


The Clayvis Collection

by Lifeshandful



Series: Seal Team Collection [11]
Category: SEAL Team (TV)
Genre: Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Hurt, Male-Female Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 75,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27547120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lifeshandful/pseuds/Lifeshandful
Summary: A collection of Clay and Lisa one-shots.
Relationships: Lisa Davis & Clay Spenser
Series: Seal Team Collection [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1668844
Comments: 72
Kudos: 122





	1. Run In And Running Away

**Author's Note:**

> The latest in the Seal Team Collection. I hope you enjoy, please comment and let me know.

**_ Run In And Running Away _ **

The worry was palpable as Sonny continuously checked his phone, Jason made just as many calls all to their kid although none were answered, Ray futilely tried to calm both worried men down despite his own growing worry, Trent and Brock were coming up with a plan on how to capture (kidnap) him, and Lisa, well Lisa, shook her head, huffed and slapped her hand down on the table causing the glasses to shake but it had their attention. She was well aware of what was going on but she wanted to confirm everything before they came up with a plan that did not involve Clay being captured, hog tied or handcuffed, and forced to interact with his distressed brothers.

“Give me those.” Lisa managed to swipe both Jason and Sonny’s phones right out of their hands as the protests from both men were silenced by her glare. “Tell me what happened from the beginning then we will figure something out.” It was an order, one that she expected to be obeyed, although she really did not have any authority over them when they were off duty and at the local bar.

“Lisa…” Brock trailed off as she shook her head and her glare intensified.

Sonny reached out to take his phone back but his hand got slapped before he got anywhere near it. “Clay had a run in with Ash. We already told you that.” Sonny was grumpy and it could be heard in his tone. “But blondie does not get to go MIA.” He rubbed at the growing red mark on the back of his hand from the stinging slap that Lisa had delivered.

Lisa rolled her eyes as Sonny had not told her anything that she did not know. What she wanted to know was details. “Okay, lets do it this way, give me an AAR on what exactly happened between Clay and Ash.” She hoped more details would be forthcoming.

Ray cleared his throat knowing that Lisa was as concerned as all of them but she had not witnessed what had happened between the father and son, had not seen the haunted look on Clay’s face or the way he looked at them when he recognised that they were there. “I don’t really think it is our place to say Lisa.”

“Ray.” Lisa’s voice took on a hardened edge to it. “The five of you are sitting here worrying about Clay because of what went on between him and Ash, and because of the fact that he has gone MIA on all of you. So spare me the ‘it’s not our place to say’ and start explaining because the sooner you do then the sooner we can figure out what to do next.” Lisa was fiercely protective of all the men but she and Clay had a particularly special bond which made her a little more protective. She hated that Ash had hurt him, and she hated that whatever had been said had made Clay retreat away from all of them.

There were a few more exchanged glances as if the men were deciding who would report what had happened to Lisa although none of them seemed overly forthcoming. “Ash walked up to Clay and started in on him because he had not returned his calls, and then it went downhill from there.” Brock was the first to start talking although he was unintentionally vague.

“Clay did not say much, did not even try to defend himself from Ash’s attack though. It was like he shut down.” Ray hated that Clay had not even tried to defend himself or his actions to Ash but then again Ray knew that the Spenser’s relationship was beyond complicated.

“There is a hell of a lot of resentment that has been built up over the years between those two.” Trent bristled as the tension had radiated from both men before Clay had shaken his head, fixed his eyes firmly on the ground, and his cheeks had flamed red with what Trent could only assume was embarrassment once Ash had stormed off.

Lisa rolled her eyes at how the men managed to say a lot without giving her any details as to what the argument or as it appeared the one sided yelling was about. What she did learn surprised her though as she had not seen Clay back down, and it concerned her even more. “Did Clay stay with you guys or did he leave once Ash was done ranting at him?” She asked deciding not to try and pull specific details about what Ash had said to Clay instead choosing to focus on other details.

Jason shook his head, his frustration evident to those at the table. “Kid hightailed it as soon as he was sure Ash was gone, and he has not been in contact since. Keeps ignoring our calls, and is not responding to any of our messages.” And didn’t that just irk Jason because Clay knew better than to dodge calls and messages from them, or that they would have taken anything that Ash had said seriously.

“I went by his apartment a couple of times but either he was out or he was ignoring me.” Sonny groused as he shared that bit of information with the table as he had been to Clay’s apartment at least four times but he had respected Clay enough not to break into and enter his apartment although that decency was quickly waning.

Lisa shook her head and muttered ‘men’ under her breath as she put Jason and Sonny’s phones down on the table then pushed herself away from the table, grabbed her jacket, and headed for the exit ignoring the calls of the men deciding to take matters into her own hands.

**_Run In And Running Away_ **

Clay sat down on the floor in his bedroom leant up against his bed in his darkened apartment; it was where he had been most of the day and he had not moved far unless it was to use the bathroom as he did not want to see anyone or have to explain anything. He swallowed thickly around the lump that had formed in his throat the moment that Ash started speaking as he could smell the alcohol on his breath and he knew that it would not be pleasant although he had not been prepared for just how unpleasant it had been. Clay had been physically exhausted and emotionally drained before but this run in with Ash had left him in even worse shape.

The sound of his phone vibrating along the floor again had him rolling his neck to see the illuminated screen which told him it was Jason calling him yet again but he could not bring himself to reach out and answer it instead he let it continue to vibrate until it went to voicemail. Clay had lost track of how many unread messages and missed calls he had received since he and Ash had argued in front of his brothers but it had to be three figures easily. He knew he could not keep letting them go ignored and unanswered but he just did not know what to say.

There were so many conflicting emotions that were flowing around Clay’s mind and he was not sure where exactly they placed. He was no stranger to arguing with Ash, after all they had been arguing for years, but it was another thing entirely to argue in front of his team, in front of his brothers, especially with the state that Ash was in. He should have walked away, stopped it before it had even started, but he knew better, knew that Ash would have raised his voice and followed him so that he could say his piece.

Clay shook his head as his phone began to vibrate once more stopping his thoughts from spiralling further as he left it where it lay.

**_Run In And Running Away_ **

Lisa stopped in front of the door to Clay’s apartment and hesitated as she raised her hand to knock instead she dropped her hand down and leaned in closer listening for any sound from inside of Clay’s apartment for a few seconds before she stepped back. Lisa knocked her knuckles lightly against the wooden door once, twice, three times before she stopped and let her hand drop down to her side.

Lisa strained to hear any movement from inside the apartment but when she didn’t she raised her hand to the door again but stopped herself once more from knocking. She stepped closer to the door leaning against the doorframe. “Clay, I know you are in there.” Talking through the door seemed insane but she was not going to pick the lock and barge in nor was she going to get a spare key from the apartment building super as she was sure that she would not get the key without coming up with some believable lie for which she did not have time. “Clay, I am not going anywhere even if I have to sit out here on the floor all night.”

Lisa waited for a few moments once more straining her hearing to hear any noise coming from inside of the apartment but the only thing that greeted her was silence. “Clay, look I… I know you are not okay and I just want to see you, so please, please open the door.” It sounded a lot like begging but if it worked then she did not mind what it was called.

The sound of footsteps coming towards her made Lisa step back just a fraction before she heard the door unlock followed by more footsteps only this time they were retreating away from her. She took a steadying breath as she placed her hand on the door handle, turned it, then pushed it open and stepped inside to the pitch black apartment. She shut and locked the door behind her as she let her eyes adjust to the darkness before she made her way carefully across the lounge and turned on the lamp lighting the room softly. The first things that Lisa noticed were that Clay’s usually spotless apartment was messy and that Clay was not in the living areas. She dumped her bag down onto the ground followed by her jacket then unzipped her boots and took them off before she moved towards the bedroom as it was the only other place he could be besides the bathroom.

“Clay.” Lisa stopped in the doorway of the bedroom as she kept her voice soft seeing that it to was descended in darkness. “I am going to come in but if you don’t want me to then you need to let me know.”

Clay had retreated back to the bedroom, back to his spot on the floor up against the bed, once he had unlocked the door as he knew that Lisa would camp outside his front door just as she had said she would. He remained silent even when she gave him the option of entering his bedroom.

Lisa waited a full minute, having counted to sixty silently in her head, before she entered the bedroom, once again flicking on the nearest lamp before she got her first look at Clay who was curled up on the floor between the bed and the wall which he was staring at. She hesitated for a few seconds before she made her way around the bed so she was beside him then she settled down on the floor facing him with her back against the wall and her legs outstretched towards the bed. Clay looked terrible, Lisa thought sadly as she could see the physical toll that his and Ash’s argument had taken on him as it was clear that he had not been sleeping or just taking care of himself in general as he was dishevelled.

“Do you want to tell me what is going on?” Lisa asked gently wanting Clay to share with her what was going on inside of his head.

Clay shrugged and took a stuttering breath that was easy to see even in the soft light that the lamp provided. “You already know.” There was no hint of accusation in his voice but rather acceptance and resignation as he knew that the guys would have told Lisa all about his argument with Ash.

Lisa shook his head before she realised that Clay was not looking at her instead he was avoiding looking at her as his stormy eyes were firmly affixed on the floor in front of him. “No, I don’t. The only things that I know are that you and Ash had an argument in front of the guys, and that you haven’t spoken to anyone since.” Okay, so maybe the second point was a bit of a reach but Lisa had made the assumption as she knew he had not been in contact with any one Navy, and she knew that he did not have many or any friends outside of the Navy. “No one was willing to give me any details, and I am not here asking for them Clay. But what I do want to know is how you are doing because that is what is most important to me. That is what matters the most to me.”

Clay didn’t know how strong of a reaction he would have to those words, to Lisa’s words, and he did not realise that he had begun to sob until he felt Lisa’s arms wrap around him as she gently guided his face into the crux of her neck as his chest heaved and tears fell from his eyes soaking his skin and her own.

Lisa was at a loss for words as she was taken aback by Clay’s breakdown but maybe it was also what he needed, to breakdown, to cry, without judgement or embarrassment. She let her hand rest on the back of his neck while her other hand ran lightly over his back feeling as each and every sob tore through him causing his entire body to convulse. “It’s okay Clay, let it out, you’re safe Clay.” She found herself whispering the words repeatedly as she began rocking him softly as she was worried that if he continued the way he was that he would hyperventilate.

The sobs gradually faded away to be replaced by whimpers and sniffles but Clay stayed where he was as his chest still heaved and the tears still came freely. He had a bunch of the fabric from Lisa’s shirt clutched tightly in between his trembling fingers acting as a lifeline for him. There was something calming and serene about Lisa’s voice and it was not about the words she was saying although those were helpful too.

Lisa rested his face lightly against Clay’s head continuing her delicate movements with her hands as she did her upmost to ground the man clinging to her letting her words fade out to nothing as he calmed and instead she felt it was better to let him talk once he was ready.

Clay took a few more minutes for himself before he pulled himself back from Lisa, ducked his head and averted his eyes as he spotted the wet patch he had left on the collar of her shirt, before he wiped his hands over his face hating the stickiness that he felt from the tear tracks left on his face. “Sorry.” His voice was hoarse to his own ears and he frowned at it.

Lisa shook her head. “Nothing to be sorry for blue eyes.” Her response was immediate.

“I’m a mess.” Self-deprecation did not suit Clay but it was an honest statement as he felt like a mess as he looked up at her letting his eyes meet hers but he did not see pity or anger instead he saw everything that she felt for him.

“We are all messes Clay.” There was no point in denying it, and Lisa would honestly put herself into the ‘I’m a mess’ category too. “I tell you what, you go have a shower and while you do that I will make us something to eat.” Admittedly Clay did smell like he was in need of a shower and she had already figured that he would not have eaten since his and Ash’s argument. She hoped that with a hot shower and a full stomach that he would open up to her about what happened or more importantly why this argument had affected him so badly and why he felt he had to avoid everyone.

Clay chuckled as he looked down at himself knowing that he had not made any effort to keep up his personal hygiene in his self-imposed quarantine after all he was still in his jeans and shirt that he had worn to the bar. “You saying I smell?” He asked with a small but real smile that tugged at his lips.

Lisa smiled in return as there was a glint of mischievousness that sparked in those blue eyes that belonged to one of the men she adored. “You aren’t at your ripest yet but a hot shower and some comfy clothes will feel better.” There were times when the guys came back from being out in the field that they were not allowed back into TOC or on the plane until they had showered, and usually those were the times when the guys were dying to shower and change out of their sweat soaked and stinking uniforms however Clay was nowhere near that point but it did not mean that he could just change his clothes either.

Clay knew that Lisa was right just as she often was although he was not going to tell her that as he was sure he would never hear the end of it. “Think you can help me up?” He asked knowing she would as sitting on the floor in the same position for as long as he had been had taken its toll on him, even getting up to unlock the door had been far more of a struggle than it should have been.

Lisa pushed herself up onto her own feet before she held her hands out to Clay which he took as she helped pull him up off of the ground. She kept hold of his hand for a little longer as she waited for him to steady himself. “Go get in the shower. I am going to see what you have in the way of food for us.” Lisa finally let go of his hand once she was sure he had his balance as she pointed towards the bathroom.

“I have ice cream.” Clay smiled knowing her love of ice cream as he made his way around the bed knowing that he was not going to get out of showering. “Pretty sure it is your favourite too.”

Lisa scowled playfully at him. “You are not having ice cream for dinner but you can have some after dinner.” She wanted to slap herself for how parental she sounded but she refrained especially as Clay smirked her way then chuckled as he made his way into the bathroom closing the door behind himself leaving Lisa to make her way into the kitchen to figure out what to make them to eat.

**_Run In And Running Away_ **

The soft humming caught Clay’s attention immediately as he walked out of his bedroom feeling far better for a steaming hot shower and being dressed in a pair of charcoal coloured sweatpants and a loose fitting white t-shirt to see Lisa had her back to him. He leaned against the edge of the wall as he watched domesticated Lisa at work and he had to admit it was nice to see her relaxed.

“Feel fresher for a shower?” Lisa asked without even turning around to look at him as she knew he was watching her.

Clay straightened up and he smiled at her instincts before he made his way into the kitchen and lent against the counter opposite to where Lisa was. “Yeah, I do. Anything I can do to help?” He asked wondering what she was making because he knew the contents of his fridge, freezer, and pantry combined were meagre especially considering he had not been to the store in quite a while.

Lisa glanced over her shoulder to get her first look at freshly showered Clay and she was glad to see that he looked lighter although she was going to put that down to the release of a whole tonne of emotions through him crying. “It won’t be too much longer and it will be ready. I want you to have something to drink though then go sit down.” She was concerned that he could become dehydrated if he was not already, and the last thing she wanted was for him to fall ill.

Clay smiled before he moved to the fridge and pulled out two bottles of beer and a bottle of water knowing that Lisa would make him drink something else before he cracked open the beer. He moved towards the couch, pausing to put the two bottles of beer down on the table, and then sat down heavily relaxing back into the cushions. He smiled as the humming resumed, filling his small kitchen and drifting in the air to him; there was something peaceful about the silence being filled with Lisa’s soft humming.

Lisa turned off the burner and the oven before she plated up the meal she had made for them then grabbed cutlery and made her way over to Clay with both plates in her hands. “I am taking you grocery shopping tomorrow morning.” She stated before she had even reached him and she made a mental note to try and talk him into getting a few freezer meals to stack away for times when he really did not want to cook but was hungry, or maybe she would make a few of her own and portion them out so they could both stock their freezers. “For now we have an omelette with double bacon, cheese, mushrooms, and spinach, along with a side of toast, and the fruit you had needed to be used hence the side of fruit.” She passed him the plate along with his knife and fork before she sat down on the couch next to him, pulling her legs up and tucking her feet beneath her, before she rested her plate on her lap.

Clay was astounded at what Lisa had managed to make and he had to admit it made his stomach rumble especially when the delicious smell evaded his nose as he had not realised how hungry he was before. “Thanks Lis, this is fantastic.” He said before he had even taken his first bite.

Lisa smiled and shook her head light. “Eat first then praise.” She pointed at his plate with her own fork glad that he was talking to her even if it was not what she really wanted to know.

“Yes Ma’am.” Clay smarted but it made Lisa smile as she watched him bite into his first piece of toast pleased that he was not trying to avoid eating instead embracing it.

**_Run In And Running Away_ **

Clay was sated as he leaned back into the cushions of the couch once more after he had placed his plate down on the coffee table in front of him before he rolled his neck to look at Lisa who had finished her own plate and put it with his but she had settled on the couch so she was facing him. He knew that he could not avoid any more of her questioning, and he did not want to try because she had given up her night to come and take care of him even though he would adamantly deny needing looked after. “It’s different this time.” It was the first thing he could think to say so it was what he said.

Lisa slightly tilted her head to the side at Clay’s statement. “What is different this time?” There were a whole lot of possibilities that went through Lisa’s mind but she was not going to voice any of them as she wanted Clay to clarify.

Clay drew his bottom lip into his mouth biting down on it with his teeth for a few seconds before he released it. “The argument between Ash and I, it was different this time.”

Lisa wished that Clay would use more words but she would continue to ask questions to prompt him if it was what she had to do. “What was different, why was it different?”

Clay huffed almost indignantly before he reined himself in. “Ash never confronts me in front of others but this time he did it in front of my team, in front of my brothers. There was a desperate wildness to him that I haven’t really seen before either, if that makes sense, berating me for not calling him back is not usual nor was anything else about it.”

It was clear to Lisa that Clay had been knocked off kilter by the variance in his and Ash’s argument from what an argument of theirs would usually be. She was not surprised that Clay was worried about the argument having been in front of the team although that was the one thing he did not need to be concerned about because they had his back after all he was their little brother. However what made her more concerned was Clay’s description of Ash and his behaviour as she was worried that something more was going on and there could be wider implications for Clay.

Clay scrubbed his hands over his face tiredly. “Ash likes to create maximum damage, likes to throw the grenade and duck so as not to get caught in the carnage.”

Lisa winced at Clay’s description of Ash and the damage he seemed to like to create. “The damage is only created if you let it be Clay.” It was the only thing she could think to say.

Clay exhaled loudly as he looked at Lisa wondering where she got that bit of information but she was right once again. “Are the guys okay?” He asked regretting his radio silence now.

“They are worried but you already know that.” Lisa shuffled closer to Clay as the last thing she wanted was for him to feel guilty. “But they understand Clay.”

“No, they don’t, not really.” Clay was quick to respond. “Ash said I was worthless, a waste of air, and that I was going to get one of them killed. He said it in front of them, and whether they want to admit it or not, it is going to make them think.” It was a rush to get the words out.

The anguish was profound, and Lisa placed her hand down on Clay’s knee to comfort him and steady herself. She could hear the pain in his words. “Clay Spenser.” Lisa used his full name making him look at her with his full attention. “Now you listen to me and you listen to every word… You have surpassed and achieved more than Ash ever has. I know Bravo, and I know that they would never listen to Ash, not when it comes to anything about you. You are not worthless or a waste of air, and you are not going to be the reason that any one of them get killed.” There was an ire in Lisa’s voice but she hoped the force of her words would be enough to make Clay believe them because she did.

“Lis…” Clay cut himself off as he swallowed thickly about the lump in his throat that seemed to have a permanent place these days. He reached out and covered her hand with his own feeling as she turned her hand over beneath his own and linked their fingers together.

“No, I know you Clay Spenser and I know that you will go to the end of the earth for the ones you love. You are a great man, and nothing is ever going to change that.” Lisa was speaking from personal experience as Clay always went above and beyond for those that he cared about. He did his upmost to protect the ones he loved, and there was nothing that would stop him from doing so.

There was nothing that Clay could say, nothing that he could respond with, as he was at a loss for words. Instead he resigned himself to sitting in a comfortable silence with Lisa.

Lisa wondered if she had pushed too far but then again it was what Clay needed although she wished she could say a few words to Ash that would not be kind in any way however her priority was the man beside her. She changed her position so that she was curled up beside him with her hand still in his and rested her head against his shoulder content to stay where she was.

**_Run In And Running Away_ **

Lisa smiled as she used all of her mite to push Clay closer to the door of the diner after having spent the night with him on the couch although she wished he would have slept but instead he did not so neither did she but she was not going to hold it against him. What he did not know was that the rest of Bravo, Mandy included, were meeting them there for breakfast. It was time for Clay to be reassured that his brothers were still his brothers, and for the team to be reassured that Clay was okay or rather he would be okay.

“Are you that hungry Lis?” Clay teased deliberating stalling as he turned around to face her as she huffed frustrated that he was stalling.

“Yes, I want banana pancakes with bacon. Now, get moving, would you?” Lisa pushed on his shoulder lightly as she pointed with her other hand towards the door that they were so close to. “And coffee seeing as you have run out. By the way how do you run out of coffee?” Yeah, that was a sore point of the morning and she knew the lack of coffee was making her grumpy.

Clay barely withheld the chuckle that wanted to escape his lips as Lisa was grumpy without coffee to start her day. “I promise to get extra coffee when we are at the store seeing you insisted on taking me grocery shopping last night and this morning.” There had been plenty of grumbling about getting to the grocery store after breakfast at the diner from Lisa. “Come here.” Clay opened his arms knowing that she would accept a hug from him and she did as she stepped forward and hugged him.

Lisa pulled back a few seconds later from Clay glad to see him smiling. “I know what you did there but seriously I need coffee and food.” She smiled up at him.

“Okay, alright. I wouldn’t want to be the one to starve Miss Lisa Davis.” Clay held his hands up in a surrendering manner before he dropped them down, turned around and reached out to hold the door open for her to walk through first.

Lisa walked through the door into the diner before she turned and looked back at Clay who had not stepped in as he continued to hold the door open for an elderly couple to walk through before he did. Of course he had to be a gentleman.

“Where do you want to sit?” Clay placed his hand on Lisa’s back as he surveyed the diner noticing that it was really quiet which he was glad about.

“Lets grab a booth.” Lisa pointed towards the booth in the far corner of the diner that was empty and had nobody around it either. She grabbed his hand and began leading him over to it before he could even protest.

Clay shook his head as he sat down having followed Lisa into the booth which he had to seeing as she had a tight grip on his hand which she only relinquished once they were seated. “So are you set on your banana pancakes and bacon?” He asked as he reached out and pulled one of the menus that were on the table closet to him.

Lisa smiled and nodded just as a waitress came over with two mugs and poured them both a coffee which they thanked her for. “What else are you going to do today after we have had breakfast and been to the grocery store?” She asked buying time.

Clay looked up from the menu and over to Lisa seeing she had her hands wrapped around the mug that was in front of her. “Go for a run, get a workout in, but other than that I have nothing planned.”

Lisa nodded her head before she took a mouthful of coffee and swallowed it down.

“Well look who we have here boys!” Sonny’s voice carried across the diner as he spotted Clay and Lisa which was not hard given that he was looking out for them.

Clay looked at Lisa with wide eyes and a hint of panic as he caught sight of all of his brothers and he silently wished for a little more time before he had to face them.

Lisa could see the panic flood Clay and she reached out and placed her hand on his forearm feeling how tense he had become. “It’s alright Clay, remember what I said last night.” Lisa murmured softly wanting him to feel at ease but she suspected that would not be happening any time soon before she turned to the guys who were all filtering into the booth making her move over closer to Clay as Brock sat on the other side of him with Trent and Sonny beside him while Jason sat next to her with Mandy sat next to him and Ray beside her. “Morning everyone.” Lisa greeted as she met Jason’s eyes silently conveying that he needed to tread carefully.

Clay kept his head down with his eyes focused on the menu in front of him as he suddenly felt overwhelmed and unsure of what to say or where to look even with Lisa’s hand firmly placed on his forearm.

“So what is everyone having?” Mandy asked hoping that ordering food would help things along as she could see that Lisa was worried, and she could understand after Jason had given her a brief rundown on the drive over to the diner as he had picked her up. The waitress came over depositing several more mugs down on the table before she filled them to the brim with coffee from the pot which they all thanked her for before they placed their orders, luckily the men all knew what they wanted which made things go smoothly although they all noticed how Lisa had ordered for Clay when he remained silent.

Sonny frowned at Clay or rather his body language as it was clear that he was still avoiding them, and he had not missed how tense he had become. “So blondie, where have you been hiding the past few days?” He kept his tone intentionally light but quickly yelped when his shin was kicked rather hard and sent a scowl around the table as he was not quite sure who had kicked him.

Clay swallowed thickly and remained silent with his eyes focused firmly down at the table as his hands clutched at the denim of his jeans beneath the table. He felt his mouth go dry and he wished to be anywhere else. Suddenly he felt like a little kid again wondering what the kids thought of him and what they were going to do to him, and despite how much he tried to will it away he could not.

Lisa was regretting her invitation but she knew that Clay needed to talk to his brothers, to see that they were not mad at him and that they still trusted him, but he looked like the lost little boy that she hated to see. She looked around the table seeing the lost looks and shared glances between the men while Mandy had her hand on Jason’s leg to keep him calm. But what was clear to her that Clay’s natural fight or flight response was kicking in although he was doing everything he could to resist it. “Clay, hey, it’s okay.” She whispered softly although she was sure that the words could be heard amongst the group.

Jason pushed his mug over towards Mandy then he leaned forward a little before he was obstructed by the table. “We aren’t mad sunshine. We are worried about you.” Jason spoke in a tone that was reserved for very few in his life, it was one that he only spoke to those he loved with.

Brock could feel how tense Clay was beside him and he was worried he was going to bite through his lip with the way he was chewing it. “Spense… what happened the other night… it wasn’t a reflection on you, and nothing that was said changes anything that we think or feel.” Brock had seen the way Clay had shut down when Ash kept yelling at him, much like a child did, and it only reinforced the beliefs he held about the secretiveness that was Clay’s childhood.

“You know us better than that blondie to think we are going to take on board anything that was said.” Sonny wished that Clay would say something but he didn’t move or speak.

Mandy looked around the table seeing that Clay’s continual silence was worrying the men and Lisa looked devastated despite how hard she was trying not to let it show. “I think that you need to tell us what you are feeling Clay. I think you need to tell us what you are worried about.” She kept her voice soft, pitching it just so, as she hoped that if Clay explained then it would give the guys the insight they needed to reassure him.

Trent was watching Clay intently and he noticed that his breathing had become fast and shallow which was concerning especially if he could not get it under control. It was clear to him that Clay felt trapped which was not what any of them wanted as none of them wanted to cause him any pain.

Lisa looked at Trent as he caught her attention and she knew that he was worried medically but she shook her head to ward him off momentarily as she contorted herself around in the booth so that she was completely facing Clay with her back to the table. She moved her hand from his forearm to his chest with her fingertips rested on the top of his collarbone over top of his shirt while her other hand worked his hand free of the grip he had on his jeans. She had never meant to cause him this much distress and she hated herself for it. “Mandy’s right blue eyes, talk to them just like you spoke to me, it’s okay, you are safe blue eyes.” She murmured softly wanting to ease his burden.

There was something fascinating about the way Clay and Lisa interacted, Ray thought as he watched intensely even though Lisa was obscuring his view somewhat but he was also grateful for the way they interacted because Lisa had a way of breaking through the walls that Clay built in rapid succession just as Clay had the same ability with Lisa. Clay took a shaky and stunted breath before he lifted his head just enough for his eyes to meet Lisa’s, and she could see all of the various emotions swimming in them. “There are those blue eyes.” She was relieved although she wished they were bright and full of mischief like they usually were. “They are your brothers honey, you need them just as they need you.” She was never fazed by the term of endearments that slipped out of her mouth when it came to Clay, nor was anyone else.

Clay still wanted to be anywhere else but he knew Lisa was right which was an all too reoccurring theme as of late. He felt as Lisa shifted back to be sitting beside him but before she could move to far he caught her hand in his and ran his thumb over her knuckles trying in part to soothe himself as he focused on the repetitive movements while keeping himself grounded as he tried to figure out what to say.

“Don’t think, just say it freely.” Lisa interrupted his internal monologue as she could see that he was trying to sort all of his abrasive and obtrusive thoughts into some sort of order.

“I’m sorry.” Clay blurted out although he was still focused intently on Lisa’s hand that was held in his over his lap. His voice was barely above a whisper but it was heard by everyone. “I’m sorry that you had to witness that argument between Ash and I. It wasn’t fair to any of you and it should not have happened.”

“It was a bit to one sided to be an argument blondie.” Sonny interjected earning himself another hard kick to his shin which had him grumbling all sorts of profanities under his breath as he glared at Ray as it was him who kicked him.

Ray met Sonny’s glare with one of his own as the last thing any of them wanted was for Clay to stop talking when he had finally begun, and none of them wanted Lisa’s hard work to be undermined because of a pointless but correct statement by Sonny who sometimes forgot to think before he spoke. “You don’t have anything to apologise for Spenser.” Ray made sure his voice was firm but still understanding although he could not believe that Clay was apologising to them when they had all failed to step in and separate the pair to stop Ash’s yelling.

Clay stole a glance at Lisa as he inhaled deeply before he exhaled slowly as if he was preparing himself for something.

Lisa felt her stomach drop as she saw the look in Clay’s eyes and she hoped to hell he was not about to say what he was but she knew despite all of her reassurances that he still had not been convinced even though she hoped he had been. “Clay…” She whispered hoping it would stop him but she was not naïve enough to think it would, and she suspected that he needed to hear the men respond to what he was about to say.

Clay swallowed thickly before he dropped his eyes back down to his and Lisa’s entwined hands as he cleared his throat. “I… I understand if… if what Ash said… has made you… has given you doubts… and if you can’t… if you don’t want… it’s okay, I understand.” The words were to hard to say and he felt the fear spike within him as he awaited the responses from his brothers although a part of him hoped they would not respond at all instead they would let him leave from the confined space of the booth.

A wave of anger spiked in Jason and he looked at Mandy in bewilderment as he realised what Clay was saying even if he could not finish his sentence or rather sentences. Ash Spenser had just moved up on his hate list, actually scratch that Ash Spenser had just taken the top spot of Jason’s hate list, and it did not take more than a quick glance around the table to see that everyone else felt the same with the exception of Lisa who looked both devastated and desperate.

“Did you hit your head blondie?” Sonny risked another kick to his shin as he raised his voice enough to make the other diners look over at them.

“Sonny, lower your voice.” Trent hissed quietly resisting the urge to slap his hand over his mouth as Ray waved and sent a friendly smile towards the diners who finally went back to what they were doing before Sonny’s outburst.

Jason wished that they were somewhere else because he wanted to be able to stand in front of Clay and have his hand be able to reach out and wrap around the back of his neck but he would work with what he had. At least the kid was in the same place as they were. “Clay.” It wasn’t often that Jason used his first name. “Kid, you are not going anywhere and neither are we.” It was the simplest way to make it clear to Clay that nothing had changed between them although he was not naïve enough to think that a few words would change Clay’s thoughts just yet.

“Spense…” Brock was watching Clay closely and he wished that he had bought Cerb to snuggle up with their lost little brother but none of them expected Ash’s words to have such an effect on Clay but then again maybe they should have expected it. Usually Jason’s words would have had the desired effect on Clay but instead he remained unmoved. “You are our little brother and nothing is going to change that, especially not Ash.” He paused and looked at Lisa who nodded at him to keep talking. “I think you are forgetting something very important or rather have not factored it in.” He hesitated as the last thing he wanted to do was cause Clay more pain but he hoped it would make him see sense. “We know you Spense, we know who you are and what you are made of. We know all those little things that are very important. We know that you like to be tucked under a comforter when you aren’t feeling well and that you like contact. We know that you prefer ice cold water over room temperature. We know that you get languages mixed up if you are overtired, and we know that you love to read all genres even though you try to hide it. We know that you love snuggling with Cerb and that you prefer to spend time exercising him or patting him instead of just feeding him treats. We know all of those things and more. We know a whole hell of a lot more about you than Ash ever will.”

Jason smiled at Brock’s impassioned speech because it was true and because he loved the way Brock spoke to Clay. It was so typical of Brock to watch, observe and catalogue all of the little things that most would not think to bother with but then that was what made Brock so vital to the team.

Clay’s chest hitched and he glanced towards Brock before he looked back down at his and Lisa’s hands, studying the lines in their skin once more. There was some validity to Brock’s point that they knew him better than Ash ever would but he still could not shake the thought that Ash’s words would make them doubt him whether it was now or in the future.

Ray nudged Jason as two waitresses were making their way over with the food they had ordered which would temporarily put their conversation on hold. “Give him a break.” Ray knew that sometimes the best way to get through to Clay was to say what they wanted to say then let him digest it for however long he needed to make sense of it.

“Here we go, sorry about the wait.” The waitress managed to get the right meals in front of the right person and topped up their mugs with coffee before she left as the other waitress had left as soon as the meals had been deposited on the table.

A tense silence that was only broken by the sounds of cutlery hitting the plates hung over the group as everyone stole glances at Clay who barely touched his food, and somehow Lisa managed to eat with only one hand as Clay was still holding her hand tightly.

**_Run In And Running Away_ **

Clay knew that Lisa was watching him from where she was leaning against the island counter top as he moved around the kitchen putting the groceries away that they had gone and gotten. He knew that he had not said much and he had refused to look at his brothers any more than the few glances that he stole.

Lisa was concerned and she knew that her plan had gone awry in the worst possible way as she thought that she had gotten through to him the night before. She studied Clay and hated that his usual confidence was lacking as his shoulders were hunched inwards and he moved around sluggishly. “Clay, I’m sorry.” She expected him to be mad at her for her part in the ambush this morning but instead he stopped and lent back against the counter top facing her.

Clay shook his head at Lisa’s apology. “Nothing to apologise for Lis.”

The fact that he was still calling her ‘Lis’ made her let out a breath that she did not realise she was holding. “Yes there is, I pushed when I should not have.” She could admit that she was wrong and she was wrong.

“You pushed because I needed it.” Clay could admit that he still wanted to hide and while he wished he could have for a little longer, he also needed the reassurances that his brothers had given him. “I needed it Lis, and I know I did not respond the best but everything is still pretty muddled.” It was as honest as he could be to explain where his head was at as he was at war with himself.

Lisa respected Clay’s honesty but it did not change the fact that she was going to be staying with him until he got things sorted in his head and felt comfortable around his brothers once more. “You are allowed to need time to process everything Clay, and while you do I will be here… And before you try to argue know that you are not getting rid of me.”

Clay smiled and shook his head because he knew Lisa could be as stubborn as the rest of them. “Pick a movie then.” He knew that she would not go anywhere and if he was being truthful he would admit that he would be glad for her company.

Lisa smiled and made her way over to the couch before she looked over at him wondering what he was waiting for. “You waiting for an invite?” She asked with a smile seeing him give her a cheeky smile before he made his way over and slumped down on the couch beside her.

“Lis, thank you.” Clay draped his arm over her shoulders as she tucked herself into his side and turned on the t.v. as she tried to decide what they would watch but it did not matter what they watched. For now, Clay needed company and Lisa was it.


	2. A Loss Almost Too Hard To Bare

**_ A Loss Almost Too Hard To Bare _ **

_“Fallen Eagle! I repeat Fallen Eagle! It’s Delta 2.”_

Lisa could not stop the words repeating in her head over and over even as she watched the hearse leave the tarmac with the flag covered coffin that held Delta 2 who had died in the field after a head shot from a sniper after his helmet had been knocked off when a grenade that had been thrown exploded around the team.

“Davis… Lisa.” Eric Blackburn had been stood on the tarmac the entire time and he had been watching Lisa closely hating that the temporary one-off reassignment to Delta had ended so tragically. He knew the burden that she was bearing, knew the weight that she now carried, knew the pain that she felt, and knew that she had to answer questions immediately in order to close the file on this death. Eric had waited to approach until the only ones left on the tarmac were Lisa and the remainder of Delta as he knew it would only be minutes before the upper brass would descend and usher them all into a conference room for an official AAR.

Lisa blinked as Eric got her attention as she pulled her eyes away from the gates as they closed and obscured the hearse from view. It was clear to her that it had not been the first time that Eric had called her name. She drew in a shaky breath before she looked over at the heartbroken men of Delta as their pain was palpable even from the distance she was from them. She shook her head stopping him from saying anything before he could even begin as there was nothing that could be said. “I will come find you after the AAR.” It was all she could say but it did not make her feel any better as she moved to follow the men seeing that they were already moving.

**_A Loss Almost Too Hard To Bare_ **

Lisa did not go to find Eric after the AAR, the very long, very draining, AAR that cleared her of any wrong decision making as it ruled the death unavoidable in the line of duty but that did not make her feel any better. Instead she went into autopilot as she drove herself home oblivious to the world around her as those words kept repeating in her head. She went through the phases as she dumped her bag on the ground and walked into the bathroom, turned on the shower and stripped off her stiff uniform as the water heated up before she stepped in, and went through the motions. She let her head rest against the shower wall until the water ran cold which forced her to shut it off as she shivered involuntarily. She got out of the shower, dried off then wrapped the plush white towel around herself before she moved to get dressed in a pair of grey sleep shorts and an oversized dark blue t-shirt that she had stolen from one of the guys some time ago.

Lisa stumbled over her own feet but managed to catch herself as she placed her hand on the bed then let herself slide down to the floor with her back against it. The stumble was her undoing as the tears that she had fought to keep at bay since the moment the men of Delta had returned with their fallen brother to the plane began to fall as she sobbed openly.

**_A Loss Almost To Hard To Bare_ **

Jason along with the rest of Bravo made their way into Eric’s office, filling the small space quickly as Ray shut the door behind them, seeing that Mandy was already there. “Have you heard anything from Davis?” Jason asked as Eric had filled them in as soon as he had received the news that Lisa had been in charge of the mission that had left one of Delta dead although they had all been aware that she had been ordered as a temporary reassignment as their usual Lieutenant Commander was out die to a family bereavement.

Eric looked up at Jason and the rest of the men. “No, I have tried calling her but it keeps ringing through to voicemail.” There was a sense of anguish and concern in his voice as he replied wishing he had camped outside of the briefing room until the AAR was over so he could have intercepted Lisa. “I know it doesn’t make much of a difference but she has been cleared, every bit of paperwork is in the correct order, and it has been declared that the death of Delta 2 was in the line of duty due to an enemy sniper.”

“I went by her apartment but she wouldn’t open the door. I could not hear anything from inside either.” Mandy reported having stopped by Lisa’s on her way to base after Eric had called her.

Ray looked around the room and wondered if they were overreacting in a way. Yes, Lisa needed support but maybe she also needed to be alone for a bit. “Let’s hang off sending out a search party for her just yet. She probably needs to get her head around things.” He voiced his opinion and knew immediately he should have kept his mouth shut as no one was receptive to his proclamation.

Jason turned and glanced over his shoulder at Ray almost as if he had two heads at his stupid suggestion. He refrained from snapping at his 2IC and friend because Ray had not been in the position of being in charge and having lost someone under his command – no, that was a club reserved for very few, and only he, Eric, and now Lisa were in it. It was a club that he never wanted to be in but in his position, and Eric and Lisa’s, it was one they found themselves apart of.

Clay, unsurprisingly, was the one who took exception to Ray’s comment although everyone was fairly disgruntled by the comments but they did not get the chance to voice their disagreement before he did. “Wow Ray, I can’t believe you just said that.” He shook his head in disgust. “She may not know the men that she was suddenly put in charge of as well as she knows any of us in this room but it does not mean that she cares any less. She lost someone under her command, temporary or not, it still will hurt.”

Ray shook his head at Clay’s blatant disrespect. “You know what Spenser? You talk like you know. We don’t all need to press the panic button and go running in search of her. Some of us don’t rely on her like others.” He regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth knowing it was a low blow.

“Yeah, well let me remind you of that the next time she makes it so you get home safe Ray, or for that matter tries to bail you out of whatever storm you get yourself caught up in.” Clay kept his voice low but his words were sharp as his eyes blazed with a fire in them that could only be described as pure anger.

The atmosphere changed in the room quickly and both Trent and Brock moved to stand in front of Clay who had taken a step towards Ray as he was not going to back down. “I would be very careful about what you say next Spenser.” Ray folded her arms across his chest defiantly.

Clay snorted but stepped back so that he was not pushing up against Trent and Brock although they did not move from where they were. “Maybe you should take you own advice Ray.”

Jason pulled Ray back by the back of his shirt to create a little more distance between all of them. “Enough!” Jason’s voice boomed in the small office as he glared at his 2IC. “Ray, shut it unless you have anything to say. Clay, go take a breather.” He ordered knowing it was best to separate the two before he was trying to break up a brawl.

“Gladly.” Clay muttered under his breath as he shot one last glare Ray’s way before he walked out of the office slamming the door shut behind him.

Sonny wanted to have a go at Ray but instead he chewed the toothpick that he had in his mouth harshly and kept his mouth shut as the last thing any of them needed was any more discord although it was hard to ignore Ray’s sudden cavalier attitude towards one of their family being in pain. Sonny shifted his attention to Jason before he caught his eyes. “Blondie isn’t going to take a breather Jase.” Sonny would place money that Clay was already on his way to his car to go to Lisa’s, and despite how much he wished that he could be the one to go, he knew it was best for Clay too.

Jason looked at Eric and he could see that he had the same thought. “Clay will get past her defences, and keep us in the loop.” He knew his men and he knew Clay, and he knew Clay and Lisa together. Lisa and Clay had a special relationship that meant they allowed each other in especially when they would not let others in.

“Jason…” Eric trailed off as he did not want to point out the obvious which was that Clay did not have the experience with this that they did but he did agree that Clay was as good for Lisa as Lisa was for Clay especially in traumatic times.

“I know Eric, I know, but we will be there when that time comes.” It would not be an easy or pleasant time but he and Eric would be there for when she realised that she had become a member of the ‘I was in charge and one of the men died’ club. Jason could recall the first death that he had in the line of duty and he could still vividly recall the conversation that he and Eric had at the time, and it had taken some coaxing before Eric admitted that it was the same conversation that he had had with his Commander when he had lost his first man. It was a hard conversation that was definitely needed each and every time, no matter what number loss the man was.

Mandy sensed that Jason and Eric needed the office to themselves and she suspected that the bottle of whiskey that Eric kept in his bottom drawer would be cracked open as she had made the connection to what they were talking about, having realised that the ‘we’ that Jason had alluded to was just him and Eric. She moved across the office ushering Ray out first before she ushered Brock, Trent and last of all Sonny out and then she followed them out making sure the door was firmly closed behind herself. “Stay available.” It was not often she gave orders but it was a simple statement that received various nods of agreement with the exception of Ray who was already down the corridor.

Brock looked at Mandy and could see the worry and the struggle that she was having as he knew that she and Lisa were good friends. “You want to grab something to eat with us?” Brock knew that it would not be anything fancy but they had been on their way out to go and grab some dinner when Jason had stopped them and they had followed him to Eric’s office. “We are just going to grab something from the chicken shop down the road before we make an appearance at the bar for Delta.” It would not be a late night as the bar would be heavy with grief just as it always was when one of their own fell.

Mandy hesitated for a few seconds before she looked at Brock, Trent and Sonny who were all waiting patiently for an answer.

“Come with us Mandy, it might be a while before we eat again.” Trent tried to convince her, glad that Brock had the forethought to invite her as she did not always take the best care of herself. And Trent figured that it might be a while because they would do whatever was needed to help Lisa through but also because Delta would be off rotation for at least a few weeks. “Jase and Eric will meet us at the bar once they are done.” They would put in an appearance out of respect even if it is brief.

“Yeah, okay, thanks.” Mandy had heard a lot about the chicken place that was near base that the guys loved and she knew that Sonny and Trent were equally fond of its spicy chicken but she also knew that Trent was right that things were up in the air and it might be a while hence why she found herself agreeing. She also suspected that Brock and Trent would need some help keeping Sonny occupied as she knew just how close he and Davis were but she could also the hint of resignation in his eyes that what Lisa needed was not him.

**_A Loss Almost Too Hard To Bare_ **

Lisa willed herself to stop trembling but the more she tried the worse it got, and she hated it. She had her head tipped back against the mattress as she stared up at the white ceiling of her bedroom although her vision was blurry as the tears had not stopped filling her eyes or running down her face. She was no stranger to loss, had experienced it early on in her life, but for some reason this loss felt almost too hard to bare.

Another sob tore loose from her lips as the image of the flag draped coffin and the looks on the men’s faces as they took their seats around it came to the forefront of her mind. She knew of Delta, had not had much interaction with them, but it had not been hard to see the closeness of the men, of the bond that had most likely been forged in fire and bullets, although it was not like Bravo’s closeness. She slapped her hand over her mouth hating that she was sobbing. She should have been able to handle this, after all it was a part of being an officer, but she had never felt a loss of someone she did not know so profoundly before.

**_A Loss Almost Too Hard To Bare_ **

Clay was relieved to see Lisa’s SUV parked outside her apartment building as he pulled into park beside it. He walked over and placed his hand down on top of the bonnet realising that the engine was cold which meant she had been there for a while which he was not sure was a good or bad thing. He shook his head to rid it of the thoughts that entered his mind before he took off in a jog as he wanted to reach her apartment as soon as he could.

It only took a few minutes for Clay to reach the white door that was the front door to Lisa’s apartment and he stopped as he caught his breath as he had taken the stairs two at a time rather than wait for the elevator. The last thing he wanted was to be out of breath once he found Lisa. He raised his fist up to the door and knocked gently before he stepped back and waited but it was to no avail as the door did not open. Clay sighed and hesitated as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys again knowing that he and Lisa had swapped keys to their apartments but they were only to be used with the other’s permission or if it was classed as an emergency. The question for Clay was this classed as an emergency, and after only seconds of deliberating he decided it was as he used his key to enter her apartment making sure to close and lock the door behind him.

The first thing that Clay noticed was that Lisa’s bag was laid on the floor before the sound of soft sobbing caught his attention and had his heart clenching. He followed the sound but stopped at the sight he came across as Lisa was sitting on the floor with her knees up to her chest crying in her bedroom. “Lis.” Clay’s voice was barely a whisper as he crossed the short distance to her and knelt down in front of her making sure to keep his movements gentle as the last thing he wanted to do was startle her.

Lisa tipped her head forward and her glassy eyes met his as she let her hand reach out to him instead of reaching up and wiping the tears away because there was no point as they just kept coming.

“I’m here Lis, I’m here and I am not going anywhere.” Clay managed to reach out and entwine his hand with Lisa’s as he moved so that he was beside her with his back pressed up against the bed and draped his other arm over her shoulders pulling her into his side. He could feel how hard she was trembling and he could tell how close she was to hyperventilating.

Lisa sobbed so hard that her chest physically ached and her lungs burned from the lack of air, and her tears continued to roll down her face. She tightened her grip on Clay’s hand involuntarily as she tried to ground herself, tried to calm herself down, but nothing was working as she kept seeing Delta 2’s body with his eyes wide open and the gunshot wound in the centre of his forehead.

Clay knew he had to do something and the only thing he could think of was to pull Lisa into his lap and hold her tightly so that was what he did without breaking the hold she had on his hand. He pulled her into his lap, unbothered that she was straddling him, then pushed her head into the crux of his neck before he rested his own head against hers softly, and held her tightly as whispered reassurances left his mouth without much preamble. She let go of his hand and her hand ended up placed flat against his chest in between their bodies while his hand went to her waist to help hold her steady. He hated to see, feel and listen to her cry but he realised it was what she needed as it was an emotional release for her.

Lisa pressed her face harder into Clay’s neck and let her eyelids close even as she continued to cry. She was torn apart in a way she never realised that she could be. And this time she had no idea if she could put herself back together, or if she could even be put back together at all.

Clay blew out a shaky breath of his own as Lisa’s sobs slowly receded until she was left sniffling although he knew that she was still crying as he could feel her warm tears drip onto and roll down his skin. He let his fingertips run up and down over her spine lightly in an effort to help continue to calm her down wishing that he could do more.

Lisa sniffled but made no effort to move as it was the safest she had felt in a long time. “What did I do Clay? What did I do?” Her words were muffled by his skin but she could not stop herself from asking.

“You did your job Lis.” It was the truth although Clay knew it would not bring her any peace but it was the only answer he had as he barely had any other details and he was not about to ask her for any.

Lisa tried to press herself closer to Clay and she felt as he tightened his hold on her a little more. “It wasn’t good enough.” She whispered but she knew that Clay could hear her, and she cringed at how thick her voice sounded.

“You bought them home Lis, you bought him home.” Clay felt as Lisa shuddered as he tried his upmost to tread as carefully as he could but it was not easy considering what they were discussing. “I know this is probably not what you want to hear but I need you to listen to me.” What he was about to say could go either way and the last thing he wanted to do was make her more upset but he also felt like she needed to hear it. He did not wait for any more acknowledgement. “We do what we do with the knowledge that we may not make it home, we accept that and somehow we find a way to make peace with it. We go to some of the most dangerous places in the world, operate in extreme situations, and we know the risks and we have all seen the rewards and the consequences. Nothing is guaranteed, you and I, well we know that better than most. But there is something I know about you, I know that you give everything to the task at hand, I know that you care about us as people, you see us as people not assets, and I know that there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome Lisa. Absolutely nothing.”

Lisa knew that what Clay was saying was not because he had some sense of obligation to her but because he truly believed it however it did not make it any easier. “I can’t stop seeing him Clay.” The grisly image of Delta 2’s body was overlapped with the radio transmission that relayed the news to her as she stood in their makeshift TOC.

Clay closed his eyelids briefly as he knew exactly what that felt like as he could still recall perfectly how Brian and Adam both looked after their untimely deaths, and he wished more than anything else that he could rid Lisa of that terrible memory but he knew he could not. “I know, I know.” His voice trembled despite how much he tried to stop it.

Lisa felt the slight shudder that went through Clay just seconds before he spoke. “It won’t go away will it?” She asked terrified of the answer.

Clay could not lie to Lisa. “No, no, it won’t but it won’t be there all the time either.” It was brutal but he did not see the point in giving her false hope because it was not something that ever left a person. It was the sort of memory that would haunt them for the rest of their life but it would fade in time and only come up when something jarred the memory from where it had been stored in the dark depths of the mind.

Lisa appreciated Clay’s honesty even though she wanted the answer to be different. “I don’t know how to do this Clay.” The admission came after a few minutes of silence as they both needed a break from speaking.

Clay stopped the movement of his fingers over Lisa’s spine and instead moved his hand as he pulled her back so that he could see her face. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen and her face was blotchy and marred with tear streaks but none of that mattered for the moment. “It’s okay not to know how to do any of this Lis.” He paused knowing that he had to say more. “You do what we all do, you acknowledge and move forward. You talk to me or anyone, even if we don’t understand everything, we will still listen. You want a cuddle then tell us. You want to scream or beat the shit out of something or fire a gun then we will arrange it. If you have a nightmare or you can’t sleep then you call me or any one of us and we will be here whether it’s to keep watch or lay with you or watch a movie with you. You honour those who have fallen by continuing your work. You don’t put your life on hold Lis. You lean on your family, after all that is what we are. You are my family Lis.”

A small but sad smile tugged at Lisa’s lips as she recalled a similar speech being given to her after she had miscarried her baby. “You are my family too Clay.” She surged forward and wrapped her arms around his neck pressing her face back into his neck once more as she felt a fresh round of tears overcome her as they began to fall once more. She remained where she was until this round of tears was finished before she slowly pulled herself back and met Clay’s eyes with her own. “Is everyone gathering at the bar?” She asked knowing they would be as it was an informal tradition that was adhered to by all of those that were stateside and not laid up in the hospital although that rule seemed to get broken because no one could ever keep a SEAL down even one in a hospital bed.

Clay was surprised at the question but then again he was not either. “They are.” He kept it simple as the last thing he wanted was for her to feel pressured to go as he could understand if she felt that she was not up to it.

Lisa inhaled slowly before she exhaled as she tried to get control of herself. “I… I should make an appearance.” She knew that she had to make an appearance even if she only had one quick drink and left, it was still better than not attending.

Clay suspected that Lisa would decide to go before she had even said it. He reached up and gently brushed a strand of hair that had fallen in front of her face back behind her ear before he left his hand drift down to hers, entwining their fingers once more. “I tell you what, you lead tonight. When you have had enough all you have to do is tell me and I will bring you back here or take you wherever you want to go.” He was not opposed to scouring the neighbourhood for an ice cream parlour that was open late if she decided that what she wanted to do was go and eat some comfort food nor was he opposed to driving through the night if that was what she wanted.

Lisa blew out a breath as she nodded her head. “Okay, let’s go to the bar.” She was not sure it was the best idea but she was going to pay her respects after all Delta had been her team for this one off assignment and despite the tragic event she still needed to be there.

“That’s my girl.” Clay knew that comment would make her smile and it did. “Alright, go wash your face cause that look isn’t really going to work for you at the bar. And, well you could keep the pyjamas on but I would recommend changing them as well.” He kept it light and it had the desired effect as she laughed lightly.

Lisa knew what Clay was doing and she appreciated it as she looked down at the pyjamas that were defiantly not fit to be seen outside of the confines of her apartment as she realised that part of her oversized old t-shirt was threadbare near the bottom but it did not matter. “Yeah, think you might be right about getting changed.” She agreed with him before she looked at his shirt seeing the large wet patch that may have been glistening with snot as well. “You are going to have to change your shirt too. Sorry.” She apologised for messing up his shirt.

Clay craned his neck to look at his shirt but he did not care about it. “Don’t worry about it.” He was just happy that she was talking to him although he still had his concerns about how the rest of the night would go but they would deal with it as it came.

“Your blue shirt is hanging up in my closet.” Lisa knew that she had borrowed Clay’s shirt to wear home after a series of incidences that left her needing a clean shirt and not having one of her own at the time. She had washed it but not given it back to him despite having meant too.

“I wondered where that shirt went. Is there anything else of mine that you have?” Clay asked teasingly as he did not mind that she borrowed his shirts as she always asked and they did eventually get returned to him once she had washed them.

Lisa smiled but did not answer as she pushed herself up onto her feet needing to get herself sorted. “Help yourself.” She probably had a few of Clay’s shirts but then she also knew she had a couple of Sonny’s and she had at least one of Brock’s hoodies. “I won’t be long.” She said before she disappeared into the ensuite bathroom.

Clay stayed where he was for a few minutes longer before he finally pushed himself up and off of the ground then he pulled his phone out and sent a message in the group chat telling him that he would met them at the bar with Lisa. He shoved his phone back into his pocket before he walked into Lisa’s walk in closet and spotted his shirt hanging up. He unbuttoned and pulled the white shirt he was wearing off then tossed it into Lisa’s hamper knowing it would eventually make its way back to him before he pulled the blue shirt on and began buttoning it up as he made his way out to the kitchen wanting to grab Lisa a bottle of water to drink in the car as she needed to replenish the fluids she lost through crying.

Lisa stood in the bathroom in front of the mirror looking at her reflection before she leaned down, cupped her hands together and splashed a lot of cold water over her face hoping it would ease how bloodshot and swollen her eyes were but she knew it would not go away that easy. She turned the tap off and grabbed the face cloth then dried her skin off before she looked back at her reflection until she turned away. She opened the bathroom drawer and looked down at all of the make-up that she could apply to help cover up her pale and blotchy skin but she decided against it mainly because she did not have the energy to apply it nor could she be bothered to pretend that she was okay but she wasn’t. She shook her head and stepped out of the bathroom before she stepped into her closet. She replaced her shorts with a pair of dark wash skinny jeans, and she replaced her oversized threadbare t-shirt with a white and black chequered flannel shirt that was still a little big on her so she had to roll the sleeves up and tuck it into her jeans before she pulled on a pair of flat boots.

Clay looked up as Lisa walked out looking only marginally better but he also knew when to keep his mouth shut. “You ready to go?” He asked as he wordlessly handed the bottle to her which she took as she picked up her phone which had her bank card slipped inside the case although she left her keys where they were as Clay had his own.

Lisa did not feel ready but she knew she could not avoid it forever. “Not really, I still don’t know how to do this but this is something I have to do.” She blinked heavily a few times to keep her tears at bay as she was far too emotional to be seen outside of her apartment.

“Remember you lead.” Clay placed his hand across her back and guided her out of the apartment, quickly locking the door behind them, before they made their way out towards the parking lot.

**_A Loss Almost Too Hard To Bare_ **

The parking lot was packed and it was not hard to see that everyone had come out just as they always did when they lost one of their own. Clay guided his car into the first park he saw which happened to be at the far end away from the bar then switched his car off before he took his seatbelt off and turned to look at Lisa who was still worryingly pale. She had kept a hold of his hand the entire drive over even though she had not said a word but he had not pushed to make conversation as he had sensed that she did not want to talk and he knew that she was putting on a brave face.

Lisa knew that Clay was not going to push her, knew that he would wait for her to be ready, but she realised as they sat in the parking lot that she was never going to feel ready. She looked over at Clay wishing he would take the lead but she knew he would not, not this time.

“Lis, you lead remember, I am not going anywhere.” Clay reminded her as he could see the way she looked at him, and he knew she was terrified even if she had not voiced it.

Lisa quickly swiped her free hand over her bare face before she blew out a shaky breath. “Okay, I am… uh… I’m ready.” She did not sound convincing even to herself but she knew if she did not go in to the bar soon then she would not for the rest of the night as she let her fingers slip from his.

Clay stepped out of his car then quickly rounded it before he opened the door for Lisa and held his hand out to her. Lisa took Clay’s hand and got out before she stepped aside so that he could shut the door and lock the car.

Clay pocketed his keys and Lisa settled into his side as he draped his arm over his shoulders once more as they walked slowly towards the bar. The low noise from the inside of the bar was making its way outside and the atmosphere could be felt but what had Clay’s attention more than anything was the way Lisa tensed the closer they got. He looked down at her and he could see the look of determination on her face.

Lisa was determined right up until they reached the door of the bar and she came to a complete hard stop which had Clay stopping too. She took a few deep breaths, inhaling then exhaling, before she looked up at Clay. “I know, I lead.” She pre-empted his reminder which made him chuckle before he drew her closer and pressed a kiss to her hair.

“There is nothing that you cannot do Lisa Davis.” Clay kept his voice low but his words were firm.

Lisa looked at Clay then to the door of the bar before she nodded and began walking once more. Clay opened the door and together they entered the packed bar. It did not take Clay long to find the rest of Bravo who was together with Alpha on the far side of the bar with the exception of Ray who was sitting with Naima at the bar. A further glance around the bar found Delta and their immediate family convened together across the other side of the bar while several other Navy personnel filled the rest of the space around the bar.

Clay guided Lisa through the crowd of people grateful that they made space before they reached the table. Clay cleared his throat as Mandy stood up, left Jason’s side, and pulled Lisa into a hug.

“I know Clay will take care of you but when you want some girl time all you have to do is call me.” Mandy whispered, knowing better than to mention her swollen and bloodshot eyes before she let go of her, as she hugged Lisa tightly.

“Thanks Mandy.” Lisa’s voice was barely above a whisper as her voice was still hoarse sounding from having cried earlier.

“Here Davis, Clay.” Brock appeared with two fresh beers and handed one to each of them before he pulled Lisa into a quick hug. “You are going to be okay.” He whispered just before he pulled away and headed back to his seat before she could thank him.

Eric looked at Lisa, really looked at her, and he could see the struggle that she was having and it was one that he knew all to well. Eric shifted his eyes to Clay who met his and nodded in understanding before he looked at Jason and the two shared a nod. He and Jason had spoken at length and had decided that Jason would be one to give Lisa ‘the talk’ although they had not decided when it would be but it was clear to them both that the sooner it happened then the better it would be.

Clay guided Lisa over to an empty chair as she had tucked herself back into his side the moment that Brock had let go of her but he stayed standing next to her.

Lisa placed her untouched beer on the table in front of her as she looked across the bar having to strain her neck to see over and through the crowds of support staff to look over at those from Delta that were assembled. She could see the sorrow that was evident and she swallowed thickly around the lump that formed in her throat once more before she diverted her eyes and looked around the table at those on Bravo and Alpha.

Sonny, like everyone else, had not missed the way Lisa looked and he shared a look with Clay that spoke volumes as they shared their worry. He tensed as he saw Delta 1’s wife Ellie crossing the bar and coming straight towards them, and he knew that the entire group had spotted what he had especially with the way they closed ranks around Lisa.

Ellie stopped in front of the wall of men that had formed innocuously the moment they spotted her approaching but what they did not know was that her husband, Master Chief of Delta, had pointed out Lisa to her the moment she had stepped inside of the bar, and further more what they did not know was that her husband had been highly concerned about the young officer as he had realised that it was her first lost and the devastation was clear to him as a seasoned veteran.

“Metal, Trent. I just want to check on Lisa.” Ellie smiled softly at the protectiveness of the men as she knew all to well just how protective they could be, and she was glad that Lisa had such a strong support system in place.

Full Metal glanced over his shoulder, first to Jason then to Lisa, before he looked back at Ellie giving her his best withering glare then stepped aside with Trent doing the same as they made room for her to pass.

Ellie shook her head at Full Metal’s warning glare although she took no offence to it as she had been around SEALS almost her entire adult life. She got her first good look at the officer that had her husband had been both praising her and being concerned for her, and she immediately agreed with her husband’s assessment. Ellie would have laughed at the less than subtle watching from everyone around her but it was not the time to laugh or pull them up on it.

Lisa straightened up as Ellie approached and she felt as though her lungs had stopped working as she was not sure what to expect but she knew who Ellie was, and who her husband was. “Ellie.” Lisa did her upmost to keep her voice firm wishing she had drunk her beer now or just avoided the bar altogether.

Clay did not move an inch even as Ellie looked up at him expectantly and he would not move unless Lisa told him it was okay too. He had placed his hand on her back the moment that he had caught sight of Ellie approaching.

Lisa would have smiled at the stare down that Clay ended up having with Ellie but instead she shook her head. “Clay, it’s okay.” Her voice was soft but it had the desired effect as Clay broke the staring contest with Ellie as he shifted his gaze to meet her eyes, and he gave her a soft nod before he stepped back just enough to let Ellie slid into the space he had created.

“Lisa.” Ellie reached out and very gently placed her hand on her forearm. “I’m so sorry.” It was the only think that Ellie could say because despite their loss, it was clear that Lisa was grieving too. Before Lisa could respond, Ellie drew her into a tight hug which caught her off guard. “There was nothing that you could have done to change anything, and don’t waste time second guessing yourself.” Ellie was pragmatic as she said the same exact words to Lisa that she had said to her husband only hours before except the only difference this time was that it was the first time she had said those words to Lisa as she had said them to her husband before.

Lisa felt as her breath hitched as Ellie hugged her tightly and she was sure she shuddered at Ellie’s whispered words. “I’m sorry Ellie.” She whispered in response as she knew that Ellie had lost a member of her family as Ellie took the maternal role that even the grown men of Delta needed. She was the ‘team Mom’ and saw those in his husband’s team as her family as she made sure they were well looked after especially with the open door (and fridge) policy that she had.

Ellie pulled back from Lisa knowing that there was not a lot she could say that would alleviate the pain and guilt that she felt, that she could see in her eyes, but what Ellie did know was that those that surrounded her were her family and they would help her through. “It may not feel like it but you are going to get through this Lisa.” That was Ellie’s parting statement before she took her leave as she needed to get back to her own family.

Lisa’s eyes followed Ellie as she crossed the bar with the crowd once again parting to make it easy for her to get through until she reached the pushed together tables that housed Delta. She felt as Clay’s hand slid back into place as he stepped forward again taking up his place beside her once more, and she was grateful for his presence as she felt even more uneasy by Ellie’s words. There was something haunting about how easy Ellie’s words came, and it was clear to Lisa that it had not been the first time those words had left her lips.

**_A Loss Almost Too Hard To Bare_ **

Jason kept flicking his eyes over to Lisa who had barely said anything the entire time she had been at the bar but he understood that she did not want to say much however there was something he had to say to her but he could also see that she was heavily reliant on Clay emotionally for the night. And Clay was staying close by even as he talked with the guys. He had found himself watching the pair closely especially during the speech that Delta’s Master Chief delivered which was now finished.

Mandy smiled softly as she pressed her chin into Jason’s shoulder softly having been keeping an eye on him from the moment he and Eric had joined them at the bar, nor had she missed the silent conversations that were being held between him and Eric throughout the night from the moment that Lisa had arrived with Clay.

Jason turned to look at Mandy as it was not often that she rested her head on his shoulder but he did not mind it. “You okay?” He asked knowing that they were all worried about Lisa without having to voice it as his hand found its way to rest on her leg.

“I was going to ask you the same thing.” Mandy’s reply came only seconds after he had finished speaking.

Jason smiled at Mandy’s response. “I think we are both worried, and I don’t like the discord either.”

Mandy was surprised by Jason’s admission but she did her best not to show it as she watched his eyes flicker from Lisa then over to where Ray and Naima were heading out of the bar as they must have decided to leave for the night. There was a lot going on, and she knew that Jason was still unimpressed with Ray and his words from earlier which was the discord he was talking about especially given the way the rest of the team had stayed away from Ray as well throughout the night. “The misfits that fit, that’s what you said to me.”

Jason chuckled as it had felt like a lifetime ago that he had said those words to Mandy on the plane travelling home, and it had been a long time ago as it was just after Clay had joined the team. “I did, and I meant it then and it still applies now.”

Mandy smiled as she was sure that Jason could have never envisioned what the team would become back then with the inclusion of Clay but she was not going to point any of that out as it wasn’t what their conversation needed to be about. “Go talk to Lisa, I know you got the job of talking to her, and I think she could do with hearing it.” Jason looked at Mandy and silently wondered how she knew that it had been mutually decided that he was the one that would talk to her. “I know you Jason, and I know that you and Eric were the only ones to experience what Lisa has now. There’s an order to things, and it is not hard to work out that it’s your turn to give the speech that happens in times like these.”

Jason finished off his beer hating that Mandy knew him well enough to know what he had to do but he also appreciated it as he knew that she would be waiting for him once he had finished giving the speech. “Thanks Mandy.”

“Nothing to thank me for Jason.” Mandy replied as she leaned back so that she was no longer resting against him. “Just take her outside to talk to her. It’s not a conversation that should be had in front of everyone.” She added quickly before he nodded.

Jason stepped away from Mandy and made his way around the table to Lisa seeing as Clay looked up at him. “Lisa.” Jason kept his voice deliberately soft as she looked to be on the verge of crying as her eyes were glassy.

Lisa looked up at Jason and gave him a timid smile. “Hi Jason.” She had to clear her throat but it did not make the hoarseness lessen.

Jason held his hand out for Lisa. “Come get some fresh air with me.” It was meant to sound light but it did not and he instantly regretted that especially with the look of hesitation that was directed his way.

Lisa could use a break from everyone but she sensed that Jason was not offering to get some fresh air just to get out of the stuffy environment of the bar. She hesitated but she knew she could not avoid it. “Okay.” She placed her hand in Jason’s as she slid off of the stool before she turned to Clay and gave him a nod that let him know she was okay. Jason let go of Lisa’s hand and let her walk in front of him grateful that the crowd had thinned although people still moved out of the way to let them through.

**_A Loss Almost Too Hard To Bare_ **

Clay felt as a hand stopped him from moving and he quickly looked over to see that Sonny was the one who had stopped him from moving after Lisa and Jason although he knew that Lisa was safe with Jason. He frowned at Sonny’s actions wondering why the hell he had stopped him but before he could ask Sonny shook his head.

Sonny saw the apprehension appear on Clay’s face the moment that Jason had approached and asked Lisa to go outside with him, and it took a quick glance at Mandy to realise what the reason for Jason’s actions were. “Give them some time.” Sonny kept his voice quiet even as the look of betrayal came over Clay.

“What?” Clay’s voice was sharp and it was clear that he felt uneasy.

Brock moved to intervene as he realised that Clay had not pieced it together although he could not blame him as it had been clear the whole night that his focus was solely on making sure that Lisa was comfortable. Clay was always extremely protective of everyone he loved, and especially of Lisa and Mandy when he had to be, and the same could be said now, Brock thought as he admired his brother. “Spense.” Brock waited until Clay looked at him. “Let Jason and Lisa talk. It’s what she needs.”

Sonny let his hand drop away from Clay’s chest as he could see the confusion cross his face. “There’s a chat that has to happen when things like this happen Clay. Jason had the talk from Eric and now he is the one that is going to talk to Lisa, and he is the best one to do it.” He explained rather gently with his Texan drawl a little thicker.

Clay felt stupid as it had not dawned him that a talk like that would happen but it made sense although a part of him wanted to protect Lisa from it for as long as he could.

Brock glanced over his shoulder to see that Mandy had made her way around the table to them and that she had reached out and placed her hand on his shoulder before he turned back to Clay who was barely controlling himself. “Jason isn’t going to push any more than he needs to Spense. He is doing this to help her and protect her. And I know if you could have done it then you would have but none of us have been in the position that she has been in except for Jason and Eric. Yes, we have suffered loss, more than most, but we have never been in charge when that loss has occurred. It’s a different page in the book, one that we don’t know.”

Mandy could see the worry clearly on Clay’s face. “Clay, sit down and take a few moments. Jason will look after Lisa, and I will go and check on them in a little bit as well.” She would not interrupt their conversation but she could check on them from afar, and she hoped it would put Clay at ease even if it was just a little bit.

Clay shook his head as the confliction rose within him as he really was not sure whether Lisa was up to having ‘the talk’ despite what everyone seemed to think. He had stayed close to her the entire night because she needed it, and maybe he did too, but he had told her she led and she had gone willingly with Jason however it did not settle him the way he hoped it would.

“Take a seat and finish your beer blondie.” Sonny gently pushed Clay down into the seat that Lisa had vacated as Clay was still nursing the original beer that Brock had handed him when he and Lisa had first walked in.

Clay sighed softly before he resigned himself to waiting where he was for two reasons, the first being that he was sure that his brothers and Mandy would make him stay where he was, and the second being that Lisa was with Jason.

**_A Loss Almost Too Hard To Bare_ **

It was nice to walk out of the bar even as the cold night air wrapped around Lisa clinging to her before she let Jason take the lead and she followed him over to a table that was far enough away from the door to let them speak privately. She drew the cold crisp air into her lungs once she was sat down on one side of the picnic table while Jason sat on the other side so that he was facing her.

“Are you going to give me the talk?” Lisa asked as she tried to prepare herself although she really was not sure whether she was ready to hear it.

Jason placed his hands on the table and clasped them together in front of him unsurprised at Lisa’s perceptiveness after all the years he had worked with her. “Yeah I am, and trust me when I say I know you are not ready to hear it but I also know that it is one of those conversations that you can never be prepared for.”

Lisa glanced out over the parking lot before she returned her gaze to Jason, letting her eyes meet his. She nodded softly almost hesitantly as she had nothing to say in response.

Jason had a rough idea what he was going to say, figured he would steal some of the same words that Eric had said to him, but looking at Lisa stole all of those thoughts away from him as she looked small and terrified which was not who he was used to seeing in front of him but what he recognised more was the very same look of doubt that he wore after his first time. “You are going to hear a lot in the coming days, hear a lot of placations and apologies, hear a lot of speculation, and hear what was said over the radio probably a thousand times if not more.” It was not the greatest opening but it was the reality of the situation.

Lisa cringed and then winced as Jason’s words ricocheted around her brain as she was sure she had already repeated the radio transmission in her head a thousand times over already. None of what he was saying was giving her any comfort but she realised in the moment that it was not supposed too instead it was preparing her for the reality of what was going to eventuate beyond her control.

Jason let Lisa have a few moments as he could see her distress already. “The only one to blame for what happened is the terrorist who took the shot. There was nothing that you or anyone on that team could have done to prevent it.” Jason might not have entirely agreed with his own statement but he knew that in the field things happened that were beyond anyone’s control but the men in the field had a chance to change the play although it was not always possible.

Now came the part that Jason felt his own uncomfortableness grow but he had to make it relatable just like Eric had done for him. He clasped his own hands a little tighter before he parted them and let his right hand drop down to his thigh as he began to rub over the denim of his jeans. “You have been with Bravo for a long time Lisa. You know just how many close calls we have had in and out of the field.” Jason paused as the memory of Manila unwillingly played out in his memory and although Lisa was not present for the explosion that almost cost Clay his life he knew there were other instances in the past. “When we lost… when Nate died…” He stopped himself although he had not meant too.

“Jason…” Lisa sniffled as it had been a long time since Nate had died but she knew the toll it had taken on Jason, had seen how much it changed him, and knew that it was his turning point. The last thing she wanted was for her own pain to make Jason’s erupt again.

Jason shook his head knowing he had to push through. “You were there then too. Nate died and I still can recall vividly what he looked like after he took that round to the neck and bled out in the boat. And I went looking for answers Lisa, more than anyone realised at the time, I wanted every piece to fit. The more I tried to make them fit, the less they did.” He paused to clear his thought hating that he had made Lisa cry as the tears were silently falling down her face. “We all carry things Lisa willingly or unwillingly, and I speak from experience that this is one of those things that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. It isn’t something that goes away entirely but it will fade eventually. Bit by bit, piece by piece, it starts to lessen, and it will probably terrify you when you realise it is happening but it is okay, that’s what you need to remember.”

Lisa turned her head to the side to avoid Jason’s gaze as she swiped at the tears that had begun to fall again despite how much she wished they hadn’t. “I don’t know how to do any of this Jason.” The admission slipped from her lips before she could stop it, and her voice was thick. His words were not meant to be comforting but in some harrowing way they were because she was not the first to be in command and suffer a loss, and she knew that she had two amazing men who would help her through if she needed them to guide her.

“None of us do Lisa. That’s why this is happening. It’s why I am here talking to you, and it’s why Eric talked to me. It’s a group that none of us want to be a part of, one we never wish upon anyone else, but it comes with the job and our ranks unfortunately. It’s okay not to know how to do any of this.” Jason reminded her even as he explained it as simply as he could. “Hey, look at me.” Lisa swiped at her swollen and bloodshot eyes that had started to burn and sting from all of the crying that she had done and was doing before she turned to face Jason. “I meant what I said, you are family Davis. We are going to be there just like you are for us.” There was something that Jason could not put his finger on but it seemed like there was something deeper at play. “And that is why I am about to ask you what I am… What is hurting you the most?” The conversation had definitely wildly variated from the one that Eric had given but it didn’t matter.

The silent tears became heavier even as Lisa tipped her face down as she let her eyelids flutter closed for a few moments knowing if she did not take the opening and tell Jason that it would probably eat her alive but then again she did not want to hurt him. “I can’t.” She shook her head as she could not possibly tell him.

Jason stood up and moved around so that he was sat beside Lisa instead of facing her. “Nothing that you say is going to leave here. Nothing is going to be repeated, not by me. I promise you that.”

Lisa exhaled shakily and a shudder ran through her spine as she knew Jason’s words were the truth. She didn’t even try to wipe the fresh tears that sprang up and leaked out of her eyes then ran down her cheeks. “There was a moment on the plane when we were flying home… I looked up from my paperwork and looked around the plane before I finally looked at the flag covered box that… that held him…” Her voice petered out and she took another ragged breath before she attempted to brace herself. “And there was this moment of relief, I felt relieved because it wasn’t one of you in that box.” She hated herself for even thinking that thought and she hated herself even more for saying it out loud.

Jason could understand those thoughts too but he did not voice those sentiments instead he pulled Lisa into his side much like Clay always did and let her cry openly as she needed to get it out.

Lisa pulled away from Jason after a few minutes although she had not stopped crying. “I’m sorry Jason, sorry.” She rushed out an apology as she added another regret to her already full list.

“Don’t be.” Jason answered automatically as he had learned that sometimes it was better to say something like that out loud otherwise holding it in only made things worse. “I am going to get Clay.” Jason recognised that Clay was the one that Lisa needed right now as he stood up.

“Thank you Jason.” Lisa sniffled as she truly was grateful for his words making him pause as he reached out and squeezed her shoulder before he continued moving back towards the bar knowing that he would not even need to step into the bar for Clay to be on his way over.

**_A Loss Almost Too Hard To Bare_ **

There was very little left to do and the stillness of Lisa’s apartment was a little overwhelming as she found herself staring at the coffee table before she looked up at Clay who was walking towards her as she was curled up on the couch tiredly as she felt far more emotionally and physically exhausted then she cared to admit. But then again that was the beautiful thing about her friendship with Clay, she did not have to tell him because he already knew.

Clay was worried, well more worried than he had been, as Lisa had not said much of anything after he had reached her outside the bar and she had asked him to take her home which he had obliged immediately. He smiled softly as she looked up at him before he sat down on the couch next to her after he had raided her freezer for a tub of ice cream that he knew she kept stocked. He held out one of the spoons to her and relinquished the hold he had when she took it.

Lisa didn’t care that it was almost midnight as she reached for the spoon that Clay held out to her. She was glad to be home as she had quickly become overwhelmed during her talk with Jason. She watched as he popped the lid off the container of ice cream and offered her it first. She dug her spoon into the softened ice cream before she ate the spoonful. She cleared her throat as soon as she swallowed the mouthful of ice cream before she looked over at Clay.

“I think I made a mistake.” Lisa hated the admission that left her lips but she felt it was only right to share it with Clay considering how amazing he had been and still was being.

Clay furrowed his brow at Lisa’s softly spoken words and he put the ice cream down on the coffee table and turned his attention to her fully seeing that she was twirling the spoon around between her fingers nervously. “What mistake do you think you made?” He asked cautiously not wanting to spook her or make her clam up.

“I told Jason something that I think I should have kept to myself.” Lisa pursed her lips as she let her eyes flicker around the room.

“Okay.” Clay stated evenly, or as evenly as he could keep his voice as he could see Lisa’s worry and it was making him worry.

Lisa swallowed thickly feeling as if she was going to choke around the lump that appeared in her throat once again. “I admitted to Jason that I was relieved. For a brief moment I was relieved Clay. I was relieved that it wasn’t one of you, that it was not anyone on Bravo.”

Clay knew that he had to keep his reaction neutral as the last thing he wanted to do was alienate Lisa. “I think it is okay to feel that.” He did his upmost to keep his voice even and steady as he digested her words. “I know you probably won’t understand that but I can understand it. I can understand being relieved that someone else is not dead. I don’t think there is any shame in it, nor does it mean that the person’s death meant any less.” He felt like he was making a muddle of what he was trying to say.

Lisa looked as relieved as she felt as the last thing she wanted was for Clay to hate her. “I just kind of want to stay in a bubble for a little while.” She admitted softly as she wanted to remain in her apartment without any urgency to have to be anywhere.

“Come here.” Clay was already pulling her to him as he shifted them both so that he was lying down across the couch and she was tucked in the space between the back of the couch and his body with her head rested on his shoulder. “You can stay in the bubble for a little while.” He assured her figuring she needed some time out as he reached for the ice cream container once more and placed it on his chest before he stretched his fingers a little bit more to grab the remove. “Right now, we are going to indulge ourselves in ice cream and bad late night tv.” He would do it for her just as she would for him, and he sensed she needed to get lost in something other than her own head.

Lisa smiled as she settled down against him and reached out to scoop another spoonful of ice cream out of the container that was now resting on his stomach before she focused on the tv that Clay had turned on as he flicked through the channels before settling on a movie that was just beginning although neither of them were particularly interested in following along.

The ice cream had been finished long before the movie had but Clay paid no mind to what was playing next as he turned to look at Lisa seeing that she had finally allowed herself to fall asleep. He thought briefly about carrying her through to her bed for the night but quickly decided against it as he reached up and gently tugged the blanket that was draped over the back of the couch down over her. “Night Lis.” He whispered gently content to stay with her for as long as she needed as this loss was almost too hard to bare for her.


	3. At A Loss With The Loss

**_ At A Loss With The Loss _ **

It was hard to believe it had been a year, in some ways it had felt like no time had passed but in other ways it had felt like it had been a whole lot longer than a year, but the thing that never went away was the pain instead it lingered but maybe the sharpened edges had dulled or maybe Lisa had just become used to it as she carried it with her every single moment of the day.

Lisa made another lap of her empty apartment as she was at a loss on what to do with her night. She had declined an offer to go to the bar with the Sonny, Trent, Brock and Ray mainly because she did not want to go out and have to pretend that everything was okay when it simply was not nor did she want to ruin their night as it had been clear to her that none of them had remembered the significance of the day although there was a part of her that was kind of relieved that they had not. However she did not want to be alone either.

Lisa stopped in her kitchen at the island bench before she reached out and thumbed the beautiful velvet like petals of the yellow long stemmed roses that had been delivered to her earlier just after she had gotten home after having spent the day on base. There had been no card with them and the delivery person had not been able to tell her anything but deep down she knew who had sent her them just like she knew he had been stealing glances at her more than usual and he had pulled her into his side to provide the comfort that she needed without having to ask. Clay had sent her the bunch of beautiful yellow roses but he decided to remain anonymous and she would leave it that way despite how much she wanted to thank him, thank him for remembering, thank him for caring, and thank him for doing the little things that he always did but that seemed extra special as they had helped her get through the day.

Lisa looked around her apartment once more as her other hand moved to rest across her flat stomach as she continued to touch the petals with her other. She was struck by the realisation that if she had not had miscarried that night that her baby, her son or daughter, would have been four months old, and while she did not know much about babies she knew that there would have been milestones like smiles and giggles, playing with toys, watching him or her kick their little feet into the air as if they are treading water, or roll around achieved around that time. She let out a shaky breath before she shook her head hoping to clear her mind of those thoughts as they filled her with a different kind of pain, one that she would never be able to explain, at least not to anyone who had not been through what she had been through.

With more force than she realised, Lisa let her hand drop from the flowers then pushed herself away from the island knowing that she could not stay in her empty apartment any longer.

**_At A Loss With The Loss_ **

A timid knock echoed throughout the apartment and Clay hurried to wrap a towel around his waist as he had just stepped out of the shower as he had not felt like going out instead a night on the couch with pizza being delivered and some beer suited him just fine. He crossed his small apartment in a few steps, unlocked and opened the front door, not surprised in the least to see Lisa. What struck him the most was how little she had made herself look and it was clear that she was surprised herself to have ended up at his apartment.

Clay held his hand out to Lisa and smiled as she reached out and clasped it with her own before he gave her hand a small tug as he pulled her into the apartment before he closed and locked the door behind her. “Just in time, I am going to order some pizza once I get dressed.” He knew better than to ask her how she was doing or why she had shown up at his because he already knew the answer and that was she needed the company and most probably wanted to be distracted. He let go of her hand and made his way back towards the bathroom as he still needed to dry off considering he was dripping water all over the carpet.

Lisa smiled somewhat relieved that Clay had not made a big deal about her turning up instead like always he smiled and made her feel at home. “You having your usual?” She asked as she dumped her bag down on the ground beside the couch before she kicked off her boots and then took off her jacket letting it fall on top of her bag. The least she could do was order pizza for them both considering she had turned up announced and empty handed.

Clay raised an eyebrow at her before he chuckled because of course she knew what pizza he preferred. “Yeah, I also was going to order some of those cheesy garlic knots you got last time.” He replied knowing that she had introduced him to them and they were incredible as he was not usually a fan of garlic.

Lisa smiled as she looked to see that he still had not made it back into the bathroom and that the water was still dripping off of him. “Okay, so one deluxe and one BBQ chicken with a side of cheesy garlic knots and a side of French fries.” She confirmed as she moved over to the couch and sat down with her phone in hand.

“Sounds good to me.” Clay answered before he finally stepped back and closed the door so that he could dry off and get dressed in the sweatpants that he already had pulled out.

Lisa made the order quickly and with ease before she tossed her phone on the table in front of her and made herself comfortable as she curled her legs up with her feet underneath her before she looked to the side to notice that there was a new framed photo that Clay had put on display. She smiled as she reached out and picked the frame up then bought it over so it was in front of her. She hadn’t even realised that the guys had a copy of the photo but then again the last few days had been a bit of a blur as she had been distracted. It was taken a few weeks ago and somehow surprisingly they had managed to get everyone in the photo that had been taken of Bravo with herself, Eric and Mandy as they all had ended up coated in mud after a sudden and surprisingly rainstorm had hit the remote base they were at and they had all been going a little stir crazy so they had somehow ended up outside having a mud fight in the pouring rain, laughing freely as it was a reprieve from everything else that had been going on and had broken the tension. Well if she was being truthful it had started as a game of football and dissolved into a mud fight within minutes although she could not be sure who had started slinging mud but she had an inkling it had been Eric of all people.

Clay stopped and lent against the doorframe of his bedroom door seeing Lisa was looking at his newest addition to his framed photos collection that he proudly displayed, and he could see the ghost of a smile that was playing on her lips. “You know I think everyone else on that base thought we were crazy. But they hadn’t spent as much time in the sandbox as we have been lately.” He kept his voice soft even as he watched her smile a little wider.

Lisa looked up from the photo and over to Clay as they had inadvertently garnered a lot of attention but she was glad that someone had the foresight to make them group together and had snapped a photo of them smiling and laughing drenched in mud and water. “We needed a little insanity that day.” She smiled as she put the frame back where it had been sitting.

Clay pushed himself off of the doorframe and made his way into the kitchen and over to the fridge before he pulled out two beers then made his way over to join Lisa on the couch. He quickly twisted the cap off of the first bottle and then handed it over to Lisa before he uncapped his own beer. “Yeah, we definitely did.” He chuckled before he took a mouthful of his beer as it was not often that the tension rose like it had before that uninvited but not unwelcome reprieve.

Lisa swallowed down the sip of beer she had taken before she let the bottle rest down on top of her knee with her hand still loosely wrapped around it to keep it upright. “You know what today is, don’t you?” If she was asked why she had posed it as a question she would not be able to answer it especially when she knew that Clay knew.

Clay shifted on the couch as he turned around so that he was facing her and he could see the underlying struggle that she was having at keeping her emotions at bay as she had been doing all day. “I know what today is Lis.” He confirmed even though he did not need too. There was absolutely no way that he could ever forget what the day was especially given that it was the first anniversary.

Lisa nodded softly as she bit down on her bottom lip not the least bit surprised by the answer. “I was looking around my apartment before I came over here.”

Clay remained silent as he knew that Lisa was not finished with her talking and he did not want to stop her from expressing herself as she had clearly bought it up for a reason.

“He or she would have been around four months now if I had carried to term.” There were so many unknowns that Lisa would never know and then there were some unknowns that she had avoided finding out. She would never know the gender of her baby, never know what they would have looked like – the colour of their eyes, the shape of their noise, the feel of their skin – or what they would grow up to be like. And then there were the things that she had avoided finding out, things that were vital like the state of her reproductive health but she wasn’t going to mention that to Clay or anyone for that matter although she made a mental note to get that sorted once she had some confirmed time off. “I keep catching myself today thinking about all of those milestones that I will never get to have, and I didn’t think it would bother me but it is.”

Clay nodded softly before he leaned forward and took the beer out of her hand then put both his and hers down on the coffee table before he reached out and placed his hands on her knees as her hands found their way to his wrist and wrapped around softly as if she needed to anchor herself which he could understand. “You know I still have these moments where I find myself taken back to Manila or in the months after, and it still manages to catch me off guard every damned time. And it took me a long time to realise that it is okay to think about things like that.” Clay paused as he was worried he was making a mess of things but what he was trying to make sure she knew was that it was okay. “What I am saying or at least trying to say Lisa is that the moments that catch you off guard are the ones that you need even if you do not want them.” It was the way he had begun to look at those moments although he had not reached that conclusion on his own instead it had taken a conversation with Naima for him to do so. “We all have scars and most of them are invisible Lis but it doesn’t mean they are any less important or traumatic then the ones that can be seen.”

Lisa appreciated the thought that Clay had put into his words although she could see the growing insecurity within him and she knew he was worried that he was saying the wrong things but he wasn’t. “Today’s been really hard Clay, harder than I thought it would be.” Her voice shook as she was brutally honest and her hands involuntarily tightened around his wrist. “For the past year I have kept moving forward but the pain has never been far away but today it feels like it’s the only thing I can feel right now.”

“I know it has been.” Clay agreed as he had expected it to be and he had seen a lot of her subtle behaviours today. “Grief has no limit Lis, I wish it did, I really do. And you just made a pretty prominent point Lis, for the past year you have been moving forward even with the pain that you have been feeling. There is nothing wrong with moving forward, with continuing on with life, but maybe tonight is where you feel all of those things that you have kept under wraps. It is up to you, no one can tell you the right or wrong way to grieve. But allowing yourself to feel is not a bad thing Lis. The pain you feel is only because you care Lis.” He was doing his upmost to make it clear to her that there were no expectations of her, and the last thing he wanted her was to feel pressured after all she had come to his to be comforted and distracted. “Everything is up to you Lis, no one else can make any decision for you, or tell you how to feel or what to think for that matter.”

Lisa blinked heavily as the emotions surged within her like a storm blowing into the coast with the waves lapping at the shoreline harshly. She let her eyes dart across the room before she looked back at Clay and nodded. “I don’t know what I would do without you sometimes.” She really did not know, and he somehow almost always managed to say the very thing that she needed to hear.

Clay smiled. “I don’t know what I would do without you either.” That was the damned truth and he did not care who knew it. “Now, what do you want to do for the rest of the night?” He was sure that their dinner would not be far away, and he just happened to always keep her favourite ice cream stocked in his freezer and her favourite chocolate in the cupboard, and the last thing he wanted was for her to feel like she had to grieve or pretend.

Lisa was grateful for the reprieve and she felt like she wanted to spend the night focusing on anything else as she felt at her emotional limit already. “Gorge ourselves on pizza and junk food, drink a few beers, and watch a whole bunch of old episodes of M*A*S*H* or Hoarders.” She knew it might be considered wallowing but she figured she was allowed too and Clay would happily wallow with her.

Clay smiled even as he shook his head because of course she wanted to binge watch episodes of M*A*S*H* and Hoarders. She would not admit it to many people but he knew those shows were two of her go to shows when she didn’t want to have to focus to much or have to keep track of what was going on; he also knew that she had a bit of obsession with Hoarders mainly because of the things that people did hoard, and it kind of fascinated her in a mildly disturbing kind of way. “We can definitely make that happen.” He finished his sentence just as a knock on the door echoed through the apartment. “Get it started while I get our dinner.” He lightly tossed the remote towards her which she caught as he got up and made his way to the door.

Lisa smiled as she turned on the tv and found what she was looking for having figured it was best to start with M*A*S*H* considering they were going to be eating before she stood up and moved into the kitchen to get them plates and napkins. She caught her reflection in the front of the fridge and even though it was distorted because of the brushed stainless finish she could still see herself; she knew that the pain would not go away, that it would hurt a little more for the next few days just as it had for the last few, but she was grateful for what she had and for the moment that was enough.

**_At A Loss With The Loss_ **

Clay smiled softly as he looked over at Lisa seeing that she had finally fallen asleep after at least a dozen episodes of M*A*S*H* then a half dozen episodes of Hoarders. Even in the low light that the lamp provided he could see that she looked to be sleeping peacefully although he had to admit that might have had something to do with the full stomach and the half dozen beers she had but if anyone deserved to indulge a little bit then it was her. She had spread out on the couch once they had finished eating and after he had gone into his bedroom and re-emerged with a couple of pillows which she gratefully accepted and arranged to her liking once she had tossed the decorative cushions to the floor then pressed her feet into his lap once he had sat back down and he had rested his hands down, one over her sock covered ankle while the other rested on her bent knee. He had not even asked if she would be staying the night because he already knew she would be although he had to admit that he had hoped to convince her to take his bed before she had fallen asleep as he was not going to risk waking her up as he suspected that she had not been sleeping much or at all in the past few days.

Clay reached over and grabbed the remote then clicked the tv off before he dropped the remote down onto the coffee table without making a noise. He leaned back into the cushions of the couch letting himself sink back as he prepared to spend the rest of the night right where he was because Lisa needed to know that she was not alone. He looked around and smiled as he reached up with his hand that had been on her knee and grasped the soft thick blanket that stayed dutifully folded over the back of his couch exactly for nights like these then rather awkwardly tossed it out over her and himself before he settled back once more pleased that she had not woken. “You are stronger than you realise Lisa Davis.” He whispered although his words carried in the silence of his apartment before he let his eyelids slip closed as he let himself doze lightly just in case she needed him. “And you always have a place here.”


	4. Tell Me About Him

**_ Tell Me About Him _ **

There was a distinct discrepancy in the air and it was unsettling to Lisa as she stood still and surveyed the men as they were spread around the C-17. She knew it had been a hard mission but the unsettled atmosphere had been there even before they had boarded the plane to fly to Bolivia to capture an HVT that the CIA wanted desperately as he was a skilled bomb maker that could be connected to at least a dozen bombings, if not more. However the HVT had not given any of them much choice especially once he had decided to fight instead of surrender, and Ray had been the one to put the bullet between his eyes but not before a hail of bullets had grazed both Sonny and Jason although it was quick enough for him to stop him from detonating the bomb that he had tried to set off.

Lisa shook her head as the last thing she wanted to think about was how close it had been especially given the guys had body cameras which had given her and the rest of those in TOC several live video feeds of what was going on. It had been a condition imposed by those above Mandy, and if Lisa had to guess it was for investigative and evidential purposes because they had expected what the outcome was. However that was not what was worrying her, and now that she had time to relax, the worry settled and formed a pit in her stomach.

Lisa looked around the plane once more seeing that Trent was doing his best to corral both Jason and Sonny and Ray looked to be helping because Bravo 1 and 3 were easily the worst patients on their own but together… yeah, Lisa did not want to be Trent right now having to try and treat both of them especially as they continually muttered that they were fine and it was just a graze. She let her gaze move to where Mandy was sitting opposite the men watching quietly before she spotted Brock who was making his way over to the group with Cerb trailing behind with a Kong toy in his mouth and a round of beers in his hand for all of them. She frowned and let her eyes continue moving before she met Eric’s as he stood at the other end of the plane talking to one of the straps, about what she did not know. But she still had not found who it was that she was subconsciously looking for and who was the only one that she had not laid her eyes upon. Her frown deepened before it eased as she caught sight of a booted foot balanced precariously on the edge of the hammock that he was in, but her view of Clay was obstructed by all of the hammocks as he had somehow ended up in the middle of all of them. It was not like Clay to curl up into his hammock as soon as they were in the air unless he had been relegated there under orders, and the only other times she could think that he had crawled into his hammock that soon was when he felt unwell or he was trying to avoid something or someone; none of those options made her feel any less worried.

It took a few moments for her to shift her eyes back to where the rest of the team were convened but she quickly noticed that they were all stealing glances towards their youngest brother although as usual when it came to Clay subtly was not their strongest suit. It was in that moment that she also realised a few things, that she knew what the distinct discrepancy in the air was from, she could attribute her worry to one single member of her family instead of all of them, and that they were all worried so she was not just being overprotective or reading to much into things. The more she thought about it the more she realised how many things she had noted but had not made a point to check in with Clay as he had been unusually quiet, rather distant and somewhat aloof in the past few days, and that had been even before the spin up.

Lisa hesitated on who to go to first but eventually her concern won out and she began to make her way towards Clay having to duck and step under and over the hammocks given the way they were hung, some low and loose so they were closer to the ground while others offered more support and they were hung taut. She could feel the rest of the team’s eyes on her, watching as she made her way through the little minefield that they had inadvertently created in their hurry, but she paid them no attention as she finally reached Clay. A small smile tugged at the corner of her lips at the sight she came across as he had managed to collapse into his hammock still in his gear which could not have been comfortable with the exception of his weapons although he still had his spare mags in his pockets of his vest, and he had somehow managed to roll onto his side and twist his legs up in a blanket that he must have pulled over himself leaving his boots exposed.

Lisa shook her head knowing that he could not remain in his vest or his boots for the next fifteen or so hours that it would take them to fly home as it would leave him sore but she did not want to wake him either. She very gently reached into his hammock and began gently and as quietly as she could working to remove his vest from him which was surprising easy to do because as soon as she had it undone he shifted just enough that she could slip it over his head and sit it down on the net seat that was nearby. Next to go was his ear piece and once again she managed to remove it without waking him up before she took the opportunity to press her hand to his forehead to check that he did not have a fever and she was relieved that he did not. However the more she ruled out the more concerned she grew as Clay was already in his hammock asleep and he had not been relegated to it nor did he appear unwell which only left one option which was that he was avoiding something or all of them.

Clay rolled over returning to his side and Lisa moved down to his feet before she untied his laces and pulled his boots off with acute precision then put them beneath his hammock. She blew out a breath that he remained asleep as the last thing she wanted to do was startle him awake before she decided that she had one last thing to take care of before she stepped away, and that was the blanket that was not really covering him considered the twisted pile it was over his lap. She very gently moved and twisted the blanket until it was free before she shook it out and laid it down over him making sure that he was covered from the tops of his shoulders right down to the bottom of his feet. There was a soft almost silent contented sigh that left Clay’s slightly parted lips and it made Lisa smile softly before she stepped away having to make her way out of the makeshift maze once more.

Jason had kept his eyes firmly on Lisa the moment he saw her begin to move towards Clay, and he knew her well enough to see the underlying concern that was mounting within her, and like him he suspected that she had no idea about what was going on with their kid. He watched in amusement and amazement as she managed to get Clay out of his vest and his boots, palmed his forehead and untwisted him from the blanket then laid it back over him without waking him before she slowly moved away. Jason had to admit that he had been a bit preoccupied with assuring Trent that he was fine and that he did not need to be monitored, after all it was a graze and he had plenty of those in his time, but it was a futile argument because Trent would not let him win even reminding him of another time he had a ‘graze’ that led to him having to have a blood transfusion or two mid-air to notice that Clay had slipped into his hammock at all at first but once he had caught Sonny’s worried glance from next to him then he had begun watching as well. It was not like the kid to put himself to bed this early as usually he would sit with them and enjoy a beer or find a place to settle with a book or spend a little bit of time giving Cerb a whole lot of attention that made Brock roll his eyes fondly especially when Cerb would grunt and groan in pure bliss especially when Clay paid attention to the particular spot at the base of his right ear that no one else seemed able to find.

Sonny had been paying extra close attention to Clay the past several days, well actually the entire past week, as he knew something was off with his little brother but it had been hard to tell what it was as Clay had practically shut down on anything that was not work related, and it irked him more than he cared to admit. It seemed that everyone had noticed and had their own concerns as they kept a closer eye than usual on him although he had not seemed to notice which was unlike him. No amount of ribbing had pulled Clay from his thoughts, and he had not even bitten back despite all of the bait that Sonny had been slinging to try and get a rise out of him. He diverted his eyes to Ray as he placed the final stitch in his arm and tugged on the stitches before he began to tie it off before he looked at the rather neat line of black stitches that now decorated his arm just above his inner elbow. He watched as Ray glanced over his shoulder towards the occupied hammock in between cutting off the excess suture thread and applying a piece of gauze then a waterproof bandage over top to hold the gauze in place.

“Are we going to talk about it or just continue to watch and wait?” Mandy asked once Trent and Ray had both sat back and taken their beers from Brock, and Eric had joined them looking relieved that both Jason and Sonny had managed to be corralled and treated despite their protests which there had been a lot of. It wasn’t in her to skirt around or poke and prod with a whole lot of graciousness this time as she was tired and they could all do with some sleep although she was loath to admit that they probably would not get it when they were all worried like they were. A quick glance to her right told her that Lisa was moving to join them although she had stopped at the cooler to get herself a bottle of water.

“Leave him to sleep, he needs it.” Lisa was the first to speak having overheard Mandy’s question as she had seen the dark circles underneath Clay’s eyes, and once again they had been there before he had even boarded the plane although she wished she had spoken to him earlier. She eased herself down into the netted seat beside Jason so that she still had a clear view of Clay or as unobstructed as she could get given the hammocks were in the way.

“You know what is going on with him.” The accusatory tone in Ray’s voice did not go unnoticed although it almost sounded like a question at the same time if you tried to discern it. He would not have been surprised if Lisa did know given how close the two were but then again if she did know then she would have been keeping a closer eye on Clay, or at least that was what he quickly concluded.

Lisa shook his head. “No, I wish I did but I don’t.” She was quick to admit before she uncapped the bottle of water that she had grabbed and took a large mouthful from it.

“I don’t like when blondie gets like this.” Sonny growled once he had swallowed his mouthful of beer having decided to forego the pain medication and choose the beer instead although he wished it had been liquor that had been on offer.

Brock glanced back over his shoulder before he turned back to everyone else. “Anyone know what is going on then?” He kept his voice soft and quiet as Brock had been aware that there was a storm brewing inside of Clay for the past week or so but it was not one of the usual ones. What Brock could discern from having observed his brother in the time since he had joined Bravo led him to believe that it was not the usual culprits at work this time – women and relationships, or Ash Spenser, or self-doubt that he seemed to suffer from bouts of from time to time, or brooding about something that happened on a mission. Whatever it was had left their little brother distant and practically a ghost of the man he was just over a week ago.

“What do we know then?” Trent asked once no one responded to Brock verbally instead there was silence and a few shakes of heads indicating that they had no idea before he looked at Lisa as he had observed her palm his forehead. “Any fever?” He asked as it would make sense why Clay had put himself to bed if he was unwell although Trent prided himself on being able to pick up on the signs when any of his brothers were ill or injured.

Lisa met Trent’s eyes having pulled them away from watching the hammock for any movement that held Clay. “No, and he knows better than to keep quiet if he doesn’t feel well.” She found herself feeling very defensive even though she knew Trent meant nothing by his question.

“I know Davis, I know.” Trent assured her softly although he took no offense to her sharper than usual tone. In fact, it made him happy that she defended Clay the way she did.

“Spenser only puts himself to bed this early, no matter how exhausted he is, for very few reasons.” Ray stated knowing that everyone was thinking it anyway. “So he hasn’t said anything to anyone about what is going on?” He reiterated Trent’s question just in a different way.

“Blondie has barely been around, and even if he has he hasn’t exactly been forthcoming.” Sonny groused knowing that Clay had been MIA quite a bit in the last week and even when he was with them it was clear to see that while he was there in body his mind was elsewhere.

“Do we know where Ash is at the moment?” Eric offered as he knew the guys did not worry like they were unless it was warranted.

“On some book tour on the West coast.” Ray admitted knowing that they tried to ascertain where Ash was when they could, and that they had done ever since the argument between the two that was in front of them, because of how detrimental the man was to his own son.

Jason leaned forward feeling the twinge as the freshly stitched wound on his shoulder flexed as he absentmindedly shifted his arm until his elbow was resting on his knee before he looked around at everyone then returned his eyes to Clay once more. “We can’t do much for now.” He hated to have to say it but he knew when to push and when not to, and this was one of those times when it was not the right time to push. “I say we finish our beers then rack out. We will keep an eye on him, and when we get back home we will see what we can get out of him.” It was the best he had for the moment and it was not like Clay could disappear when he was on the plane.

**_Tell Me About Him_ **

Brock had no idea what had woken him up or why he had woken up but he scrubbed his hand over his face hating how gritty he felt before he pushed himself up and out of his hammock after he had glanced at his watch to see that they still had three hours before they finally touched down at home. The plane was largely silent with the exception of the usual and familiar sounds like Sonny’s snoring and the familiar hum of the plane’s engines.

It took a few more moments for Brock to wake enough to look around the plane or rather at the hammocks that were filled with his brothers except for one hammock that was empty and it just happened to be the one that was in the middle of all of them. Brock let his eyes scan the plane as he managed to make his way around Trent without waking him who had ended up on the end as he wondered where exactly his youngest brother had gotten too. It did not take long for Brock’s eyes to land on Clay who was sitting with a bottle of water clasped loosely in his hand near the front of the plane with his head tipped forward focused intently on the floor.

“Spense, you okay?” Brock kept his voice low as he knelt down in front of Clay who had not seemed to hear him approach or maybe he was just ignoring him.

Clay looked up and leaned back in the netting. “I’m fine.” He answered immediately although his voice lacked any conviction.

Brock got his first look at Clay and did not like what he saw. Somehow the dark circles under his eyes had grown darker instead of easing which meant he had not slept well or for as long as they had hoped he was. “How long have you been up Spense?” The only thing that eased Brock’s mind was that at least he was drinking water as the bottle in his hand was half gone.

Clay blew out a breath really not in the mood to play ten questions with Brock when all he wanted was the flight to end so that he could go home, shower and collapse into his bed. “A while.” He answered dutifully anyway.

Brock wanted to roll his eyes at Clay’s answer as it told him nothing but he resisted as the last thing he wanted to do was for Clay to isolate himself more. He moved to sit beside Clay making sure to leave some space in between them. “You know you can talk to me or any of us, right brother?”

Clay’s eyes widened for a few seconds before he scolded himself for his reaction. “I know that.” Clay kept his voice soft as he gave a short nod because he did. It was just that he did not want to talk to anybody about anything.

Brock was relieved to hear that Clay knew that he could talk to him but it did not settle the worry like he hoped it would. “Okay, well I am going to get some more sleep.” He felt as though Clay wanted to be alone, and while he did not want to leave him alone, he respected him enough to give him that. Brock bit his tongue to stop himself from suggesting that Clay should do the same instead he settled for reaching out and giving his shoulder a quick squeeze before he moved off.

**_Tell Me About Him_ **

Lisa stayed in the shadows as she finished gathering up her belongings, or rather the stack of files that contained all of the paperwork they had needed for this spin up, as she watched the men as they gathered their gear all still stealing glances at Clay. And that bought her to Clay who had not said anything unless he was asked a direct question as he pulled on his jacket and it was clear that he was ready to get away from all of them. She bought her own bag strap over her shoulder and headed towards where the guys were grouped as they waited for the ramp to descend.

“Who’s going to come to the bar with me?” Sonny fixed his cap as he looked around the guys, and Lisa and Mandy earning various agreements except from the person he really wanted to answer him. “Bam Bam, you coming?” He asked as he reached out and lightly tapped his fist against Clay’s arm.

Clay snapped his neck to look at Sonny. “Huh?” He asked having zoned out as he had been willing the ramp to lower so he could get off the plane.

Sonny furrowed his eyebrow at Clay’s confusion as it was clear that he had not been listening. “You coming to the bar?” He repeated his question wondering what the hell was going on with him.

Clay knew he had missed the conversation just by the way Sonny repeated his question. “No thanks, I just want to go home and get some sleep.” He knew if he just said ‘no’ that it would not suffice as an answer so it was why he added on a bit more.

“You sure you are feeling okay kid?” Jason asked as he clutched his bag strap tighter in his hand so that he did not reach it out to check for a fever as it raised another red flag.

Clay looked at Jason. “Yeah, just tired.” He really was tired, actually he felt exhausted, as he had not been sleeping.

Lisa smiled softly as she stepped closer to Clay seeing that the ramp had finally begun to lower. “Want a ride home?” The last thing she wanted was for him to drive home when he looked and felt as tired as he was.

Clay shook his head as he hoisted his backpack up from where it had been rested against his feet and onto his shoulder. “I’m good. Thanks though.”

“Alright but if you need anything then call me.” Lisa kept her voice soft but it was just loud enough to be heard over all the noise that was going on around them as the plane had become a hive of activity.

Clay nodded before he ran his fingers through his messy hair then began the walk down the ramp.

**_Tell Me About Him_ **

It was quiet in the bar and even quieter at the table that they had selected as it was not hard to tell that the men of Bravo were rattling their brains as they tried to figure out what was wrong with Clay.

“Maybe he is just exhausted, he certainly looked to be.” Ray shrugged his shoulders even though he did not believe his own words.

Mandy left the table and headed towards the bar where Lisa had ended up as she had left the table to go order another round of drinks but that had been a while ago. “Penny for your thoughts.” She said as she slid onto the bar stool next to Lisa seeing she was slowly running her fingertip around the rim of her glass looking distracted. Lisa, for the most part, did not startle to violently but she had to admit that Mandy had given her a fright as she dropped her fingers away from the glass and down onto the bar top. “You’re worried about Clay just like the guys are, but there is something more that is bothering you.” Mandy knew Lisa well enough to know that it was something specific that was bothering her.

Lisa looked over at Mandy before she turned back and grabbed the barman’s attention ordering and organising for another round to be taken over to the table before a mutiny was on their hands. “Yeah but I don’t know exactly what it is.” She replied sincerely as she had been trying to figure it out since she had watched Clay get into his car and drive off of base.

Mandy looked back over her shoulder to see that the guys were still sitting talking quietly, still looking for answers, but finding nothing that appeased them or settled the worry.

Lisa followed Mandy’s line of sight before she shook her head and fished out a couple of notes from her pocket and handed them over to the barman as the drinks were delivered to the table. “I will catch you later.” She did not wait for an answer as she was already half way across the bar before Mandy had even caught the implications of her statement and had turned around.

Mandy shook her head as she quickly worked out where it was that Lisa was going so she picked up her fresh drink and made her way back to the table to join the men.

**_Tell Me About Him_ **

Clay was relieved to be home, to be in the confines of his apartment away from worried assessing eyes, and finally felt that he could let his cracking façade fall. All he wanted was to get home, take a shower and curl up in bed but the moment he stepped inside and closed the door behind him, it felt like his energy or what little that was left drained away completely leaving him spent. With a heavy sigh, he tossed his bag down on the couch before he trudged through to the bathroom and turned the shower on then stripped off and stepped into the slow warming stream of water. He placed his hands flat on the wall then dropped his head with a clunk letting his forehead rest against the cold tiles as the water hit the back of his neck and ran down over his back to the floor.

There were so many pent up emotions that Clay felt and many that he had no idea where they had come from or why they had appeared the way they had. His right hand transformed into a fist and before he even realised what he had done he had slammed his fist painfully hard against the tiled wall sending a jarring pain through his hand and into his wrist where it settled but it didn’t stop him as he hit the wall again and again until his chest was heaving, blood was dripping and mixing with the water from his opened knuckles, and his legs went out from under him as he slid down to the ground.

Clay paid no mind to the pain instead he did what he always did which was to push it out of his mind as he let his eyelids close as he dipped his head forward so that the water was raining down over him.

The water ran cold, icily so, and it startled Clay from his thoughts making him reach up and turn the water off before he ran his hand over his face which was pointless as the water continued to drip from his drenched hair. With a groan as he put his injured hand down on the floor he pushed himself up feeling all of the residual aches and pains manifest into a cacophony of pops and cracks that were all too familiar these days to his own ears and startling to almost anyone else’s. Letting out a slow breath, he stepped out of the shower and reached for a towel at the same time but paused as he caught his reflection in the steamed mirror. He left the towel where it was and stepped closer to the mirror, swiping his uninjured hand through the built up condensation until just enough of the glass was cleared so that he could see himself fully. He hadn’t even realised how scruffy his beard had got or how long his hair had grown but he hated it immediately and set about rectifying it as he retched the drawer open and pulled out the electric shaver, a fresh disposable razor, a pair of scissors, and a comb. Lucky for him, his maternal grandmother had taught him the art of cutting his own hair when he was a lot younger, when he wasn’t dressed in some type of camo or another and when he wasn’t being shot at on a regular basis.

Clay wondered when he had stopped caring as he continued to look in the mirror, watching the way his hands naturally worked as they alternated between the tools they had been given, and he found himself coming to the conclusion that he had not stopped caring per say but rather had become focused on other things and he could even pinpoint the moment it had happened.

It was weird even to his own eyes to see his face devoid of hair as his beard was gone, newly clustered in the sink, but it felt good as he ran his hand over the freshly exposed skin. He let his eyes travel up to his hair, the mass of curls gone, instead replaced with a crew cut which he had not had in years but it was a change that he needed.

The only thing he had not taken into account with his impromptu haircut was the wisps of hair that now clung to his still damp skin, with a sigh he stepped back into the shower and turned the water on for just long enough to be able to wet, shampoo and lather his body with body wash, then rinse it all off as the water was far to icy cold to stay in for any longer. He turned off the shower again, stepped out and was quick to dry himself off before he caught his towel and hung it up so it could dry before he moved into the bedroom.

Clay paused as he caught side of his bloodied hand that was still bruising and swelling and the pain registered in his head again as he went to pull the drawer open so that he could pull out a fresh pair of black briefs to wear in bed. Glancing down at his hand caused him to huff out another sigh as there was no possible way he would be able to hide the self-inflicted injury nor would his brothers accept an embarrassed ‘I lost control’ statement as an explanation, nor did he want to be questioned or molly coddled which they would end up doing as they were already worried about him. He shook his head deciding it was something he would figure out after he had slept as he pulled open the draw, found the pair of briefs that he wanted, then put them on before he closed the drawer and made his way over to his bed. He curled under the comforter and let his eyelids close knowing he would clean up the mess he had made in his sink in the morning and then figure out what to do about his hand although he gently flexed and wiggled his hand under the comforter so he knew it was not broken. He pulled the comforter tighter around his shoulders and buried his face into the pillow wanting nothing more than to sleep uninterrupted for the next several hours.

**_Tell Me About Him_ **

Lisa quietly let herself into Clay’s apartment surprised to see that the light from the bathroom was flooding the small place before it felt like her blood had suddenly run cold as the soft whimpered mumbles caught her attention from the direction of the bedroom. Lisa closed the door behind her and flicked the lock before she moved towards the bedroom as it now made sense as to why Clay looked so tired for the past week, nightmares. It would be naïve of anyone to think that Tier One Operators did not have them but it still broke Lisa’s heart as the soft whimpers began increasingly fearful sounding even to her own ears.

Lisa was now grateful for the light that Clay had left on in the bathroom as it flooded his bedroom softly as well so she could see the endless tossing and turning he was doing and the way he was alternating between clutching and clawing at the comforter that was twisted around him. She was also surprised by his lack of facial hair, or just hair in general as he certainly had a beard and longer curls when she had last seen him only a little over two hours before. The only problem Lisa now had was waking Clay up from the nightmare he was having as she had no idea what it was about or how he would react although she knew enough not to approach him or at least be ready to step back.

Lisa was just about to call out Clay’s name when she froze as Clay weakly called out Brian’s name, or rather called out for him. She shivered involuntarily as a chill went through her spine before she snapped herself out of her frozen state. “Clay… Clay, honey, you have to wake up.” She made her voice pointedly loud in the hopes that he would wake up but if anything it caused his tossing and turning to increase. “Clay.” She raised her voice a little louder but once again it did not have the desired effect.

“Brian, no, please, not Brian.” Clay’s voice was muffled but it was still clear enough to discern the words.

Lisa was not going to stand idly by and watch especially not when her words were not breaking through the nightmare that Clay was stuck in so she stepped forward and sat down on the edge of the bed although she was still ready to move if she needed too. She very gently went to place her right hand down on his wrist but stopped and blanched at the sight of his hand and his wrist as it was clearly bloodied, bruised and swollen which she knew had happened somewhere in the time he had deplaned and now but she put it aside for the moment instead letting her hand rest across the soft skin of his inner elbow while her left hand went to his head and she began to run her fingers gently through the new crew cut he was sporting. “It’s okay Clay, you’re okay. It’s a bad dream. I need you to wake up for me honey.” She found herself speaking softly as the moment her hand began carding through his hair his restless movements had slowed although not ceased. “Come on Clay, show me those blue eyes of yours.”

Clay opened his eyelids with a sharp snap as his heart thudded wildly in his chest hitting itself against his ribs with enough force that he could feel each and every impact, and he felt as if his lungs had seized as he could barely breathe.

“You’re okay Clay, it’s okay. Look at me honey. You’re safe, in your bedroom in your own home. I’m here Clay, it’s okay, you’re okay.” Lisa was relieved that his eyes were open and that he no longer seemed to be stuck in the nightmare that he was having but her concern had not lessened at all as she continued to softly speak to him so that he was aware of her being there and of his surroundings even as she continued to gently brush her fingers through his hair over his scalp.

“Lis?” Clay’s voice was hoarse and his vision was still a bit blurry as he panted out the word as he tried and failed to regulate his breathing.

“Yes Clay, I’m here.” Lisa confirmed her presence as she felt his body begin to relax beneath her hands. “I am going to get you a glass of water and a cold damp cloth.” He was covered in a light film of perspiration and she figured he would want to run a damp cool cloth over his overheated skin. She also needed to take a look at his hand and see just how much damage he had done but getting him calm and comfortable was her first priority.

“No.” There was a distinct undertone of fear that ran through him at the thought of being left alone as he rolled over onto his side towards Lisa and reached out to wrap his arms around her despite the slightly awkward angle but he shifted closer towards her with his head rested on her thighs as she continued to run her fingers through his hair.

“It’s okay Clay, I am not going anywhere.” Lisa was quick to reassure him that she was not going anywhere as it was what he needed. She wished she had insisted driving him home but she hadn’t however that was not what needed her focus.

Clay shivered as his chest continued to heave as his lungs fought to draw air in as he willed himself to calm down. He allowed himself to focus on the steadying and repetitive movements of Lisa’s warm soft hands as one remained combing through his hair while the other hand moved when he had moved from his elbow to rest across the exposed side of his ribs.

Lisa felt as Clay calmed completely beneath her hands and she was happy that he was relaxing but she knew that there was more to do. She looked down at him seeing his eyelids were closed and his eyelashes were fluttering softly against the top of his cheekbones highlighted against the dark circles that still remained. “Clay.” She made sure she kept her voice soft, almost bordering on a whisper.

“Hmmm…” Clay hummed as he continued to focus on her movements as he found himself relaxing as his chest stopped heaving and his lungs seemed not to be seizing which was allowing him to breathe deeply and slowly.

Lisa smiled fondly at the soft hum that told her just how much he had calmed down although it had taken him far longer than it usually would have. “I am going to get up in a few more minutes, get you that water and a damp cloth then I am going to steal one of your shirts and get changed. Okay?” She reiterated her plan although she added in the last bit as there was no way she was leaving him on his own especially not in the state that he was in. It didn’t matter that it was barely 8 o’clock in the evening; she was going to spend the night.

Clay nodded his head in her lap knowing she would give him a few more minutes just as she said she would. He wasn’t even ready to attempt going back to sleep despite how exhausted he felt as he couldn’t go through another nightmare so soon.

Lisa let Clay have more than a few minutes, it ended up being closer to fifteen before she stilled her hands, stilled her fingers from the small repetitive movements, making Clay open his eyelids although they remained half lidded. “Lay back, I will be back in a few minutes.” She whispered and he obeyed as he pulled himself back just enough for his head to roll off of her lap and back down onto the mattress as his hands slipped from where they had been clutching the fabric of her shirt to the comforter that was twisted up in a pile.

Lisa moved quickly choosing to raid Clay’s drawer for one of his t-shirts first before she disappeared into the bathroom to get changed. She didn’t bother closing the door sensing that the darkness wouldn’t be good for him nor was she worried that he would try to look at her. She felt her breath hitch as she stopped in the bathroom seeing the blood trail that had run down the tiled wall of the shower which dutifully filled in the piece of the puzzle on how he had managed to tear his hand open before she caught sight of the sink seeing it full of the hair that he had cut off. She shook her head knowing it would be dealt with in the morning as right now her priority was getting back to him as quickly as she could. It took her less than thirty seconds to get out of her sneakers, socks, jeans, shirt and bra before she pulled his larger maroon coloured t-shirt over her head and let it unfurl down her body before she grabbed a fresh face cloth. She then moved from the bathroom to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with fresh water, before she doused the cloth, wrung it out then draped it over her shoulder. Just as she was about to retreat back to the bedroom Lisa detoured to the freezer and pulled out one of the ice packs that she knew Trent made sure they all had on hand then she grabbed a fresh tea towel to wrap it in.

Clay had not moved from where he had landed and the only difference was that his eyelids had slipped closed again as Lisa walked back into the bedroom but she knew he was still awake just by the way he was breathing. She made her way back to the side of the bed sitting everything but the damp cloth down on his bedside table before she leaned over and pulled the twisted up comforter away from him completely earning a small groan of protest. “I’ll lay it back over you in a second, just need to get you cleaned up a bit.” She spoke fondly knowing how much comfort he drew from being tucked in under a blanket or comforter, and she would never willingly deprive him of it. “Going to sit you up for a second.” She slipped her hand under his neck to support his head before she pulled him up even as he helped push himself up before she gently began wiping the damp cool cloth over her face, down around his neck and shoulders before she worked her way over his arms, down his torso to the waistband of his briefs then over his back as the last thing he needed was the slick sweat to dry and make him feel sticky. “Almost done.” She kept her voice soft as she let him lay back down before she quickly moved the cloth over his legs and finally his feet.

Lisa tossed the damp cloth towards the hamper blindly mentally adding it to the list that would be dealt with in the morning before she turned back to Clay who was lying still almost as if he was boneless. “Have a few sips of water then I am going to put an ice pack on your hand.” She held out the glass for him to take but he didn’t try to open his eyes or reach out to take the glass from her. She gently eased her hand under his neck once more, raised his head then pressed the glass to his lips, letting him sip slowly from it before she put it back on the bedside table.

Lisa was concerned by the silence but she also knew Clay enough to see that he was physically, mentally and she suspected emotionally exhausted as well which was why she was not pushing him. She knew he would be content once he had the comforter tucked over him so she quickly rectified it, having to turn it the right way before she spread it out over him and the entire bed. “Clay?” She picked up the ice pack and scrunched it in her hands so that the gel inside of it moved freely rather than clumping together as the older ones sometimes did.

“Get into bed Lis.” Clay knew she was planning to anyway as his gravelly voice made him cringe as he blindly reached out and pulled the comforter down on the other side of the bed for her. He knew she would not leave, and he did not want her too.

Lisa kept a hold of the ice pack as she moved around the bed to the other side before she crawled in as Clay moved to cover her up with the comforter once he had rolled onto his side so that they were facing each other. “Just going to put the ice pack on you.” She wasn’t going to ask what happened, not because she had already figured it out, but because she wanted him to feel like he could tell her anything without being pressured. She waited until he got comfortable before she gently laid the ice pack across the top of her hand and his wrist although from the dim light she suspected that the ice pack would not do a lot to help given how bruised and swollen it already was.

Clay winced involuntarily as the ice pack made the pain spike in his hand and wrist once more but he knew that he should have taken care of his hand before he had crawled into bed in the first place or just not decided to use his shower wall as a punching bag. “Thank you.” He knew she did not have to come or stay but he was grateful that she had.

Lisa moved a little closer knowing how much contact helped him as she let her bare legs slip between his, and the fact that he radiated warmth was a bonus. “I told you I am here Clay, and I meant it. I mean it every single time I say it to you. And I will tell you anytime you need to hear it.”

A small smile tugged at the corner of Clay’s lips as he did know that Lisa meant it just as he meant it every time he said it to her. “It’s Brian’s anniversary today. The fifth.” The words slipped from his lips so softly that if it had not been for the silence of his apartment then Lisa probably would not have heard him.

Lisa felt her anguish grow as she could clearly hear the pain that those six words carried with them, Clay’s pain that remained for his friend’s death. She had to admit that she knew very little about Brian other than that he was Clay’s best friend and that he died in a parachute failure while on Green Team. She had never pushed Clay for answers, had never asked questions, because it was not fair to make him talk about something that still caused him pain but for some reason she sensed that maybe he did need to talk about Brian, and in that moment she realised he probably never had spoken about Brian to anyone else, at least not in the way he needed too. She reached her hand out and let it rest down on the centre of Clay’s chest, across his breast bone as her fingertips skimmed the mere edges of his collarbones.

Clay swallowed thickly as he kept his eyelids firmly closed. “I don’t know why this year is so much harder than the previous four.” He paused as he slipped his hand out from under the ice pack before he laid it across Lisa’s hip and pulled her closer to him seeking the comfort that the closeness gave him. “It started a week or so ago after I ran into Victoria at the grocery store that night when we returned late from Somalia. She mentioned that she had dropped off a file for me, put it in my mailbox, said she found it in Adam’s things that she had just got around to going through. She said it had my name on it hence why she had returned it to me.”

Lisa kept her eyes focused on Clay’s face even though his eyelids were firmly closed as she remained quiet so that he would not stop talking. She felt as his hand tightened incrementally on her hip before he would relax his grip and smooth his thumb over the jut of the bone as he spoke. A part of her wanted to curse Victoria for putting Clay in the position she had but it was also clear that it had been done unknowingly and without malice so she refrained.

“I didn’t think much of it, figured it would not be anything important.” A small shrug of his shoulder did not go unnoticed. “I opened it the next day once I was finally more with it because, well you know, that spin up was hell. Anyway, inside of it were all of Adam’s notes that he had made while I was in Green Team. Handwritten notes that probably were not meant to see the light of day, and there were a lot of observations.” He emphasised the last words. “But inside of my file, at the back, was Brian’s, and on top was his death certificate. I looked… I looked at the date and realised…” He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence but he knew Lisa would understand.

Lisa vaguely recalled a talk that had happened one night around the fire pit at Jason’s only days after Adam and Clay had returned from notifying Brian’s family as Adam had joined them that night, and with a beer in hand he had told them that he had never seen someone (not naming but meaning Clay) look so devastated twice, the first being when he first realised that Brian had been the one whose parachute had malfunctioned and the second being when he realised that he had no family to notify and then he had explained that they had ended up notifying the lady who had worked at a diner where he spent a lot of time as a young boy because his mother used it as a day care centre. It made sense that Adam would have taken possession of the death notice because it was the type of thing that he would have done.

Lisa smoothed her thumb over the warm bare skin of his chest knowing her hand rested in the very same place that Clay had taken the sniper round on that fateful night in Mumbai, and she knew it still haunted him even years later. “You realised the anniversary of his death was coming up.” She finished his sentence saying the words that he couldn’t.

“Yeah.” Clay responded in a whisper. “God, I miss him Lis.” He choked on the words, the admission feeling far too heavy. “I started seeing it all again, seeing it every time I close my eyes. See him flailing in the air, hear the voices over the radio.” His voice broke, cracking painfully. “Before you woke me up, he was there in front of me all mangled asking me what happened, why I couldn’t save him, why it was him instead of one of the others… I can’t stop seeing his broken and bloodied body Lis, I can’t.”

Lisa moved her other hand up to his face and tenderly caressed Clay’s cheek. “Clay, look at me.” She kept her voice firm wanting him to see her instead of remembering his nightmare of a bloodied and broken Brian. “Look at me Clay.” She waited until he forced his eyelids to open and even though the bathroom light was on his back she could see the glassiness in his eyes as his eyes locked on hers. “Tell me about him.” The request was softly spoken as she knew it could go one of two ways but she wanted him to remember the good things about Brian not the horror that his mind had conjured up.

Clay tipped his head forward at Lisa’s question resting his forehead against her own as he inhaled and exhaled slowly in an effort to steady himself while he tried to figure out what to say. “He was my best friend, he was family.” A small smile tugged at his trembling lips as he thought of Brian, of all of the good things about him. “Knew when and how to kick my ass without any sort of physicality. He sure had a way with words. I think I equally loved and hated that about him at times.”

Lisa smiled softly as she trailed her hand from his cheek down to the side of his neck where she let it rest with her thumb rested on the edge of his jaw. More importantly she could feel him relaxing beneath her touch which was the most important thing. “What else?” She prompted wanting him to continue talking, continue telling her about Brian, because he needed it.

Clay was not surprised at Lisa’s prompt nor did he mind it. “He was the guy you wanted at your side, damned skilled but not big headed. Kind of like Brock, actually.” The parallels were not something that Clay had been overtly aware of until the moment. “The only difference is Brian spoke a damn lot more than Brock does.”

A memory entered Clay’s mind, one that was hazy at best, but it was one that he held dear to him. “We were deployed to Afghanistan, Trashcanistan, and I got contacted as we searched through this supposed derelict building. This woman came at me with a large solid cooking pan, shot straight out of this little cupboard that was under this rickety old staircase, and before I could every fully turn around or defend myself… well let’s just say I took a really hard hit to the head, knocked me out and left me concussed.” Things were more than a little hazy after the pan contacted his head but certain things stood out. “Anyway, I woke up in the infirmary with one hell of a headache and all the other less than pleasant things that come with a concussion. And Brian was there, sitting beside me with that big goofy smile of his. He made a crack about how I had a weakness for women who wielded pans and somehow managed to laugh as I glared at him, or tried to at least.” He paused as he had to sort through the hazy moments so that they were in chronological order or at least what he thought was the right order of things. “Every single time I woke up he was there, and when the nausea had finally subsided enough for me to attempt to eat something, he managed to talk the nurse into getting me ice cream and custard although I think that was more for his benefit than my own considering he ate far more of it then I did.” He smiled softly as he moved his free hand to cover the one on his chest although he made sure not to stop the movement of her thumb over his chest. “He knew how I get.” His voice softened as a sadness washed over him. “And he never once made fun of me for it instead he figured out what I needed and made sure it was on hand or kept the contact I need.”

Lisa was glad that Brian had worked out what Clay needed when he was ill or injured, and she wished that she could talk to Brian, thank him for taking care of Clay the way it was clear he had. “I’m glad you had him Clay.” She let her thumb make a few strokes over his freshly shaven jawline. The smile that she was rewarded with was good to see.

“So am I.” Clay answered as he smiled wistfully before he chuckled. “You should have seen Ash’s face drop the first time he met Brian.” It was one of the best things he had ever seen, and anything that knocked Ash off his perch was always extra special.

“Why do I feel like the two of you were trouble makers?” Lisa could see the amusement that lingered in his smile and the mischievousness in his eyes especially considering how close they were given that their foreheads were still pressed together.

“I had nothing to do with this one.” Clay was quick to protest although in truth Brian had not been doing anything either, it had been all Ash or rather Ash had jumped to conclusions.

“Ah huh, I’m sure.” Lisa smiled teasingly noticing how the more Clay spoke the lighter he seemed to become as his hand had settled on her hip rather than fidgeting although his thumb still swept over the jut of the bone every so often.

“Brian and I had gone out drinking the night before, and Ash arrived unexpectedly at my apartment early the next morning. We were on leave so we had drunk a lot. I don’t remember why but as usual he had come to pick a fight, and his raised voice was not helping with the headache I had.” There was a hint of mirth in Clay’s voice. “Anyway, Brian stumbles out holding his head in nothing more than a pair of boxers, grumbles something about the noise and inconsiderate asses before he realised that it was Ash that had been yelling. They had never met but Brian knew who he was.” He missed that support that Brian had given him unconditionally. “Brian popped his hip and placed his hands on his hips as he glared at Ash but what really got Ash was when he looked at me, literally fluttered his eyelashes at me, then asked how long I needed before I was coming back to bed.” A short burst of laughter ripped free from his lips before he was able to rein it in. “Ash didn’t know that Brian had shuffled out of the spare room but his eyes bugged out of his head, I thought he was going to have an aneurysm especially when I replied with soon which made Brian smirk before he walked back into his room making sure to wiggle his hips just once.”

Lisa giggled softly because she could picture the bashful look that Clay would have given and she could imagine the way his skin would have flushed, but more conclusively she could sense the satisfaction that he got from Ash being shocked into silence. Definitely trouble makers, Lisa thought. She had formed a loose picture in her head that told her that Brian was the calmness to Clay’s storm. “It’s okay to miss him Clay, and it is okay to think and talk about him.”

Clay drew in a sharp breath at Lisa’s words as his hand tightened momentarily around her hip for a few seconds before a spike of pain shot through his wrist making him relax his grip. “I miss him Lisa, I miss him so damn much even after all this time.” He pushed the words past the lump in his throat that had suddenly reappeared again ignoring the way tears sprung in his eyes and he did not even try to stop or shy away from her as the first tear silently rolled down his cheek.

Lisa felt her heart break just a little more for Clay as his voice cracked and the tears that he had probably never shed for Brian came to the surface. “I know you do, I know.” She kept her voice just a touch above a whisper as she let her thumb brush languidly across the edge of his jaw. She was not going to stop him from feeling what he felt instead she hoped the release of emotions would help ease the storm that was raging inside of him.

Clay cried silently until there were no more tears left to fall as Lisa remained beside him until the exhaustion got to him.

Lisa watched the moment that Clay’s eyelids fluttered closed for the final time before his breathing evened out which told her his body had finally given into the exhaustion he had. The only thing she hoped for was that if he did dream that it would be a good dream and not a nightmare. Either way she would stay where she was for the rest of the night or for however long he needed her too.

**_Tell Me About Him_ **

The morning came around far too quickly for Clay as he forced his eyelids to flutter open once he had taken stock of the fact that Lisa was still in his bed with her legs slipped in between his, her hand was still in the centre of his chest and the other was still laid on his neck while his hand still covered hers and the other was draped over her hip. The pain that bloomed as he twisted his wrist was what forced him to wake as the night’s events came back to the forefront of his mind.

Lisa had spent the night napping on and off making sure that Clay slept peacefully alongside her, and trying to figure out what to do as she had a suspicion that she wanted to talk to him about. “Morning.” She spoke softly as she saw those blue eyes look at her as he leaned his head back just enough to look at her fully.

“Hmmm… morning.” Clay cleared his throat between his hum and his reply although it did not clear his sleepy morning voice as much as he had hoped it would. “Thank you.” He whispered grateful for her.

Lisa shifted her hand from his neck up to his hair and ran her fingers through the short locks that were left. “Quite the change there blue eyes.” She could see the flush that rose faintly on his cheeks. “But I like it. It looks good.” Clay shrugged not really having a verbal response although he knew she would not take it personally. “How is your hand feeling this morning?” She moved onto the more pressing matter as to how much pain he was in because there was not a question that he was in pain.

Clay let his eyelids flutter closed once more knowing that Lisa would press him for answers and considering everything she had the right too. “Probably need Trent to check it out, wrap it too. Nothing is broken though but I think I badly sprained my wrist.” It was an honest and fair assessment that he gave as it was definitely more painful now than it had been when he had first injured it. Before he could say anything both of their phones sounded making him withdraw his hand from Lisa’s hip before he leaned back and reached out to grab both of their phones that had ended up on the bedside table on his side.

Lisa took her phone from Clay having stopped running her fingers through his hair to do so although the disgruntled groan from him told her he did not like that she had stopped. “From Jason.” She was grateful that it wasn’t a text calling them in.

“Mine too.” Clay replied as he unlocked his phone and opened the message.

‘BRUNCH AT MY PLACE AT 1000’

Clay dropped his phone back down on top of the comforter seeing Lisa had already tossed her phone somewhere. “Is this because I have been off lately?” He asked although he already suspected the answer.

Lisa smiled softly at his intuitiveness. “None of you are ever going to pass up a free meal especially not when Jason’s idea of brunch is steak and eggs and pancakes and beer.” She paused before she bought her hand back up to rest on his neck. “I think the team needs this, you said it yourself, the last few spin up’s have been hell.”

Clay groaned knowing they still had a few hours before they had to be at Jason’s because his text was not an invitation but rather an order. “Think we can make a stop before we go to Jason’s? We would have to leave soon though.”

“As long as I can steal one of your shirts to wear then we can go anywhere you want.” Lisa would need a clean shirt to wear as she was pretty sure the one she had been wearing when she had arrived stunk like the bar. She could wear her jeans again. “Want to tell me what this stop is though?” She asked although even if he did not want to tell her she would still go along for the ride.

Clay pursed his lips together for a few seconds before he drew his bottom lip in between his teeth and chewed it until he let it go. “To see Brian.”

Lisa was surprised at Clay’s request although it was more because that was what she had been wondering about than anything else. “Okay. You lead.” She smiled softly reminding him that he lead this part much like he had let her lead during her traumatising first loss.

**_Tell Me About Him_ **

Arlington Cemetery was where Clay and Lisa ended up. The morning was cool and a light layer of fog hung lowly in the air with the dampness clinging to their exposed skin. Lisa wrapped her hand around Clay’s elbow as they walked side by side over the dew covered grass through the rows of white headstones with beautiful inscriptions as the American flags ruffled proudly with the faint breeze that was in the air. It was clear to Lisa that Clay knew where he was going and she silently mused that he had been here many times before although if she had to guess it was not for long visits.

Clay for the most part was doing everything he could to remain calm as he steadied his breathing inhaling and exhaling just as he had been trained to do but it was taking everything in him to do so. The row upon row of headstones, of deceased military personnel, were a stark reminder of where he or any of his brothers could end up, but as quickly as that thought appeared he pushed it out of his mind. There was something hauntingly beautiful about the cemetery especially with the way the fog hung over it.

Clay looked to his side as he felt Lisa run her hand, the one that was not curled around his elbow, down his forearm to his hand where she entwined their fingers together giving him the strength to keep moving. She had stayed close the entire time and he was revelling in the comfort she provided. He gently lead the way, turning left in between two headstones before they kept straight for another three rows before taking a right and walking three graves over and then they stopped.

Lisa stilled at Clay’s side when he did before she looked at the headstone they had stopped at where Brian’s name was etched into the white stone along with the date of birth and death, his unit, and his place of death. It was abundantly clear to her that Clay had been the one to make the choice, to decide how it was formatted, and she squeezed his hand quickly to remind him that she was there.

Clay looked down at the headstone even though every single detail was forever etched into his brain already before he let his eyes wonder over the vast but full space. “He would have hated this.” The words broke the silence even though they were quiet and considerate.

Lisa looked up at Clay, literally tilted her head back, and furrowed her forehead. “Why would you say that?” She asked taking the opening that she was offered.

Clay smirked before he let his eyes wonder again. “I considered having him cremated and scattering his ashes at the beach but it did not feel fitting either. He loved colour, I mean he had this terrible shirt but he loved it. I used to give him shit about it all of the time but he never cared because it made him happy.” God, what he wouldn’t give to see Brian in that godawful shirt once more.

Lisa smiled as she knew how much the men loved teasing each other. “Knowing your luck you would have ended up with his ashes all over you if you had tried to scatter them.”

Clay burst into laughter, laughing so hard that he had to bend forward. “Pretty sure he would have done it deliberately if he could have.” He managed to control his laughter but it took a few minutes. She shook her head at the statement but smiled fondly at it as well.

Clay sobered as a burst of cold wind snapped up around them appearing almost as fast as it disappeared as the flags jostled a little bit more. He reached his hand out, the one not being clutched in Lisa’s, the one that was more bruised and swollen and even sorer than he wanted to admit, and pulled Lisa into his body feeling as she wrapped her arms around his back as he hugged her back. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. “He would have loved you. I was thinking about how he would have fitted in with everyone on our way home while everyone else was sleeping.”

Lisa looked up resting her chin on his chest. “What conclusions did you come to about that then?” Knowing him he had put a lot of thought into it and she was going to indulge him.

Clay did not look down at Lisa instead he let his eyes rest on the headstone that detailed Brian’s life and service to the military as he pulled his thoughts together. “I am pretty sure he would have given you the handbook that he had in his head on everything that he knew about me, and given Trent the medical side of it. I know he and Ray would have found some common ground with deep conversations, and it would have been scary as hell if those two decided to team up on delivering those thought out lectures that cannot be argued with. Sonny would be happy to have someone who could give it as good as he would take it, but I think they would also enjoy each other’s company. Brock and Brian, well it would be another worrisome combination although I am sure that a steadfast friendship would have built quickly. Mandy, I think would have enjoyed his analytical mind, I reckon it would have been like watching a game of chess watching the others move and trying to predict the next.”

“What about Jason?” Lisa had noticed that Jason had been left off the list or maybe saved till last.

Clay chuckled softly as he finally looked down at Lisa. “I think Jason had his hands full with me when I first joined the teams, don’t think he could have handled us both. But I think they would have worked out how to be amicable to each other. I think they might have even been able to bond over my stupidity at times.”

Lisa smiled at that because she was pretty sure Jason would not have handled having both of them on the team but she had to admit it would have been interesting to watch. “If you want a few minutes alone with him, I can give that to you.” She offered as she looked back over her shoulder at the headstone.

Clay shook his head softly. “No, I just want to stay here for a while longer.” His voice was barely above a whisper but she still heard it.

A while turned into a little over thirty minutes before Clay untangled himself from Lisa letting her return to his side as he draped his arm across her lower back until his hand rested over her hip. “Let’s go see Adam then we better get going otherwise we will be late to Jase’s for brunch.” He murmured softly knowing that Adam was only three rows up and ten graves to the right from where Brian’s was as they began walking again at a leisurely pace. The only difference in the two graves was that Adam’s was visited regularly with fresh flowers and notes placed down in front of it because of the love that Victoria and Hannah had for him.

**_Tell Me About Him_ **

Lisa looked over at Clay as she had insisted driving back seeing as he had driven them to the cemetery, and he still looked exhausted as they finally got to Jason’s. It was not hard to see that everybody was already there and that they were the last ones to arrive but Lisa had the foresight to park a wee way down the block so that they were still out of sight. It did not matter if they were a little late, or later, as it was already ten minutes past ten.

Clay looked at Lisa and swallowed as he had been lost in his head for most of the drive back, lost in the passing scenery that he had never had the time to notice before as usually he was the one driving, before he looked down at his hand.

“Worried about how the guys are going to react?” Lisa asked sensing that it was a part of the problem especially given the way he looked down at his hand.

“I just don’t want to have to go into details. I know they are my family but you are my family too and I have spoken to you.” Clay shook his head unsure if he was making sense. “I kind of just want to focus on right now, right now.”

Lisa understood perfectly well about not wanting to dwell on the past, and she understood that Clay was still exhausted and struggling so he did not need the added pressure of his slightly overbearing and fretting brothers. “I tell you what, if it gets to much then you tell me and we can go back to your place. But they are going to worry Clay just like you do when its one of them. It is what family does. And yes, Trent will fret and probably become a bit of a mother hen however he does need to look at your hand and wrist but once again if it gets to much then I can have a quiet word to him and get him to back off.”

Clay let his eyes wonder over Lisa as he really looked at her. “You’re wearing my shirt.” It was his white button down that she had chosen and she had managed to make it work as she had rolled the sleeves half way up her forearm. It was not a surprise to see her wearing one of his shirts.

Lisa raised an eyebrow at him marginally wondering if he had hit his head as he had watched her pick his shirt that she was going to wear.

“No, uh, that’s… I didn’t mean it like that.” Clay rambled making her laugh lightly. “Jason pointed out, not that long ago, that you only wear my clothes when one of us is having a tough time unless there is a situation that they all witness like the time your bag got soaked and you had nothing to change into so you borrowed my shirt.” He was about to slap his own hand over his mouth. “What I mean is they will know that I am not okay, more than they already knew, but they will also know that you have it handled. Yeah, okay, I am going to shut up now.”

Lisa thought about the observation that Jason had made which Clay had just shared with her and quickly concluded that it was a fair one as she often found herself wearing one of his tops, shirts, or sweaters when one of them were going through a particularly hard time or she needed the familiar comfort that it bought to her. “It’s okay. I don’t mind it actually.” If it provided the guys with some peace of mind then so be it but she was not going to change either. “Come on, we better go in before they send out the search party.”

Clay and Lisa got out of the car and he pulled her into his side as soon as she rounded the car before they walked slowly up the sidewalk then let themselves into Jason’s without bothering to knock. It was nice to hear the familiar noise that Jason’s house was filled with as the team all gathered. Lisa felt as Clay stopped so she did too, and she realised with a quick glance exactly what he was doing.

Clay stopped and let his eyes gaze around his family taking the time on offer before one of them noticed that he and Lisa had arrived to commit the sight to his memory, and let the familiarity calm him. It seemed Mandy was the first to notice them but instead of greeting them she nudged Jason then nodded her head towards them.

“There they are! About time you got here.” Jason’s voice carried through the house making Clay and Lisa look at each other and smile before they moved forward to join everyone. “Any longer and Sonny would have eaten everything.” They all knew that Sonny would have made sure two plates were saved for both of them but it was still fun to wind the Texan up.

“Woah, look at you Mr GQ!” Sonny’s Texan drawl carried loudly as he stood up and reached out to run his hand over Clay’s freshly shaven skin but before he could Clay ducked and pushed his hand away. “Oh come on now, did you lose a bet or something?” He teased trying to reach out again only to be pushed away again. However what Sonny saw was more important as Clay smiled and there was a lightness in his eyes that told them the storm had begun to recede. Sonny nodded his head towards Lisa and she nodded straight back understanding the unspoken words carried between them.

“Sorry, we are late.” Clay offered his apologies as Ray handed him and Lisa a mug of coffee. “Thanks.”

“It’s alright. Jason hasn’t started grilling the steaks yet.” Mandy said as she and Lisa looked at each other and rolled their eyes before smiling broadly as it had been spoken about before between them that Jason’s idea of brunch was certainly different.

“Hey, I saw that look!” Jason playfully glared between both women before he looked at Clay noticing that the dark circles still remained but they had lightened at least although the clean shaven look and the short hair would take some getting used too.

“I wouldn’t even go there boss.” Brock quipped as he had seen the look that Mandy and Lisa exchanged as he lent back then took a mouthful of coffee.

Trent, as he always did, took the time to let his eyes wonder over Clay in assessment, and his eyes stopped on the hand that certainly had not been injured when he had last seen him. It had to hurt. Trent put his coffee mug down on the table in front of him before he stood up and made his way around to his brother with his actions inadvertently capturing everyone’s attention although the chatter did not stop.

Clay knew that Trent had caught sight of his hand, not that he had been trying to hide it either, but he silently had hoped for a little bit more time. He turned to Trent and tipped his head down the hall hoping that he would at least not have to have him assess it in front of everyone. Trent returned the nod before he looked at Jason who had picked up the disturbance and nodded giving him permission to go with Clay and check him out.

Clay stepped into the bathroom then sat down on the edge of the tub before he looked up just in time to see Trent step in and shut the door behind him. “I hit my hand last night Trent.” Clay offered hoping it would quell to many questions as he held out his hand having pushed his shirt sleeve up.

Trent knew that he had to be cautious in his approach as he had not missed the look that Lisa had sent his way just before he followed after Clay which told him that things were still fragile with their little brother but he knew that anyway given that Lisa’s small frame was practically swallowed by Clay’s button down that she was wearing. Trent crouched down in front of Clay because there was no way he was kneeling down on the tile floor unless he had too, before he reached out and gently took hold of Clay’s hand in his. “Where and how bad is the pain, 1 to 10?” He asked as he began examining his hand seeing that his knuckles had been split open and that the bruising was as severe as the swelling was as it went right up his wrist.

Clay flexed his hand pre-empting Trent from asking as he displayed his range of movement. “It’s not broken, pretty sure it’s a decent sprain though to my wrist. It’s not really painful, maybe about a two bordering on a three if I move it to much.”

Trent agreed with Clay’s assessment once he was done poking and prodding to make sure that none of his knuckles or fingers were broken, well as conclusively as he could without an x-ray. “Okay, I am still going to wrap it so it is supported. If it is still sore in a couple of days then I will want you to get an x-ray.” It was a compromise but it was the best he had.

Clay nodded tiredly pleased that Trent was not packing him up and rushing him to the closest clinic for an x-ray. “Thanks Trent.”

“No problem kiddo.” It wasn’t very often that Trent called Clay ‘kiddo’ but it always got a small smile out of him so it was worth it. “Let me wrap it then hopefully Jason will have the steaks on the grill by then.” Trent placed Clay’s hand gently down on his own knee before he began to dig through Jason’s bathroom cabinet finding what he wanted after a few moments before he got to work.

**_Tell Me About Him_ **

Lisa watched Trent leave the room before she moved over to the nearest bar stool and sat down resting her mug down on the bench behind her as she wearily scrubbed her hand over her face feeling the familiar tiredness setting in.

“How’s he doing Davis?” Brock was the first to ask but only because he blurted the question out as soon as the click of the bathroom door echoed up the hall. He had not missed the look that she had sent Trent’s way either, in fact none of them had.

Lisa was prepared for the question but she still did not want to answer it although she knew she had to give them something. “He’s exhausted but he will be okay.” It was the best she had as the last thing she wanted to do was break his trust. If Clay decided to tell them what had been going on than it was his choice but until then she would not utter a word. She did not miss the sceptical looks that were passed around the remaining men, hell even Mandy looked sceptical.

Mandy knew better than to push or interfere so instead she turned her focus to Lisa. “And what about you? You looked exhausted yourself?”

“I’m fine.” Lisa was quick to respond as she picked up the mug of coffee again.

“Davvviiisssss…” Sonny whined at her answer making her smile even though she hid it behind the mug.

Lisa let her smile fade before she let her eyes dart down the hall then back to the men in front of her before she glanced at Mandy as she let her shoulders drop. “Just… just treat him like you always do.” It was the best she could offer.

There was something in Lisa’s voice that made Jason tense, or maybe it was that she was asking them to treat Clay like they always did, and it left him feeling even more uneasy.

Mandy could see the unease that rose in Jason, and moved to intercept it. “Come on, we are all starving so get those steaks on the grill.” They all needed to eat, and the last thing Clay needed was to return with Trent and feel the tension that had grown. “Ray will even help.” She rubbed her hand down his arm softly hoping it would further distract him.

Jason relented although he knew exactly what Mandy was doing before he looked at Ray who nodded and stood up to grab one of the trays of steak before they made their way out to the grill.

Lisa shook her head and mouthed ‘thank you’ towards Mandy before the sound of shuffling caught her attention and she smiled as Clay followed Trent back into the room.

Clay made his way over to Lisa, sitting himself down beside her, feeling as she reached out and took hold of his freshly wrapped hand and wrist. “You good?” He asked quietly.

“I’m good, you?” Lisa smoothed her thumb gently over the bandage.

“Yeah.” Clay nodded softly knowing that Lisa knew that he was not alright but he was better than he had been.

Sonny had waited until Clay and Lisa had finished their conversation although despite how close he was he was unable to actually hear what they were saying. “So blondie, what prompted the grooming?” He waggled his eyebrows still surprised by the sudden change of appearance as there was only one time before that he had seen Clay clean shaven, and he had never seen his hair so short before.

Clay shook his head and shrugged his shoulder, somehow managing both at the same time, before he looked sheepish.

Sonny glanced at Brock and Trent who were watching on amused while Mandy had a genuine smile on her face as she moved naturally around the kitchen making sure that nothing was burning as she had made sure that there was more than just steak on offer. It wasn’t often that Clay looked unsure and sheepish.

“I think it looks good Spense.” Brock interrupted as he had seen Sonny open his mouth to speak and Lisa smiled at him for the compliment. “You should give Sonny your hairdresser’s number so he can look at least civilised.”

“Hey now, I don’t look uncivilised, I look distinguished.” Sonny’s protest had them all laughing especially as he ran his fingers through his overgrown and scraggly looking beard.

Trent shook his head. “I don’t think you have ever been described as distinguished brother.” He could not help joining in although he did tend to agree that whoever had cut Clay’s hair had done a good job.

Clay smiled at Sonny’s protests before he searched out Jason finding him standing outside with Ray. “I am going to talk to Jase.” He placed a quick kiss to Lisa’s forehead as he untangled his wrist from her hold. It struck him that he owed Jason some sort of explanation or at least an apology.

Clay stepped out onto the deck shivering slightly as the cold air pulled all of the warmth from his skin before he closed the door behind him. “Hi.” He scrubbed his hand through the back of his hair realising just how much shorter he had made it.

Jason, for the most part, did his best to remain impassive as he checked the steaks even as he watched Clay from the corner of his eye noticing the familiar but often unseen nuances that told him that Clay was unsure of himself or nervous.

Ray watched as Clay’s eyes bounced between him and Jason before darting around the back yard before returning back to him. “Good timing brother, you can keep Jase company while I go inside and warm up.” Ray slapped his hand on Jason’s shoulder before he made his way over to disappear back inside the house leaving the two to talk, and he really did hate the cold especially if he was not moving around enough to get warm.

Clay moved around once Ray was inside and the door was firmly closed behind him. “I… uh… I owe you an explanation and an apology.” He cringed at the way he was stumbling over his own words although he would blame it on his tiredness if questioned.

Jason put the tongs that he had been using down to the side of the grill before he turned to look at Clay giving him his full attention as the unease he felt only grew. “Okay…” He kept his voice even using the tone he did when his own kids had something to tell him and he did not want to spook them from doing so.

“I know that I have been… off… this past week.” Clay wasn’t sure whether ‘off’ was the best word to use but he had so he was not going to second guess it.

Jason watched as Clay fidgeted subtly shifting his weight from side to side on his feet before he ran his fingers through the back of his hair again. “Is your wrist okay?” Jason asked sensing that Clay needed a brief reprieve although it was not really a reprieve considering it was all part of whatever had been going on with him.

Clay flinched, actually flinched, before he cringed as he looked at his newly wrapped wrist. “Yeah, just a sprain.” He answered before he let his eyes gaze across the backyard. “I uh, I remembered that it was the anniversary of Brian’s death. It’s five years as of yesterday.”

Jason knew exactly what it was like to lose a friend, knew it all too well actually, and although he did not know Brian he knew Clay and he knew what Adam had told him about the both of them. “I’m sorry kid.” Jason offered softly although he knew it had never made him feel better when it had been said to him.

“Yeah, me too.” Clay snorted before he finally turned so his eyes could meet Jason’s. “It kind of got me spinning out, and I’m sorry.” The admission did not feel as hard as it should have.

Jason shook his head glad that Clay had told him but not for the apology. “Nothing to apologise for Clay, I know he was your best friend for a long time. The only thing I want you to remember is that we are here for you, that we will not ever replace Brian in any way, but we can help if you feel like you are spinning out again.”

Clay bobbed his head slightly. “Thanks Jase.” It was all he had to say and he knew it.

Jason smiled as he reached out and squeezed Clay’s shoulder grateful that he had told him what was going on with him although he knew there was more to it but he also knew that Lisa had it handled. “Come on kid, let’s go back inside, the steaks are done.” He said as he picked up the tongs and began putting the freshly cooked steaks on the clean platter dishes that Mandy had handed him before he had stepped outside.

**_Tell Me About Him_ **

It was the first time in a week that Clay looked as if he had climbed out from under all the weight that he had been under and had escaped most of the stormy clouds that had been following over him although the exhaustion still remained.

Clay looked around the table and realised that he did not have to hide his pain, not from anyone that was there, nor did he have to pretend that he was okay when he wasn’t. But more importantly he realised that just because Brian was gone, had been for five years, did not mean that he had to lock all of the memories that he had away in a box in the dark recesses of his mind either. And with that realisation, a sense of peace washed over him.


	5. Instinct And Being A Gentleman Don’t Always Go Together Well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the love! Here is the next piece in this collection. Please let me know what you think in the comments!

**_ Instinct And Being A Gentleman Don’t Always Go Together Well  _ **

It was a blur that seemed to be becoming more and more clear every time it was replayed yet the clearer it became the less it was understood. A night out, away from the prying eyes of all those that knew them, had ended so badly and yet there was still no explanation, well there was but it was not one that Lisa wanted to entertain because the idea that Clay valued her life more than his own was a gut wrenching and heart shattering thought.

_“You want to get some ice cream?” Clay teased lightly as he already knew what the answer would be knowing Lisa never turned down ice cream as he pulled her in tighter to his side as they ambled their way down the sidewalk as they had consumed at least two, maybe three, bottles of wine with their meal. Somehow they had ended up at a little Italian bistro that he had not even known was there but it had quickly become his new favourite restaurant with the fresh pasta that smelled just as amazing as it tasted._

_Lisa leaned into him, twisting herself around to mock glare at him. “You should know the answer to that by now Clay.”_

_Clay laughed. “Oh I do know but I am sure you would kick my ass if I did not ask and just presumed. After all, I am nothing but a gentleman.” He teased her some more although he was serious about her kicking his ass. “Come on, the ice cream parlour a block over from here will be open.” He nudged his hip against her own making her giggle softly as they continued ambling their way slowly._

“Lisa.” Eric had already called out to her twice although he had kept his voice soft as the last thing he wanted to do was startle her. “You with me?” He asked as she slowly almost mechanically turned to look at him, tearing her eyes away from the prone form that they were intent on watching for just a few seconds to acknowledge him. “Good, Mandy is going to take you home, let you shower and change before you get some sleep.”

“No, I am not leaving.” Lisa’s voice was barely above a whisper, still hoarse from earlier, but it was firm, and Eric knew he had a fight that he would not win if he chose to take it up.

Eric was at a loss on how to handle this, how to handle Lisa, but he relented easily for now at least. “Okay Lisa, okay.” He said before he retreated from the room, stopping and leaning against the wall once he had shut the door quietly, before he let out a soft sigh. He scrubbed his hand over his face tiredly knowing that he had a bunch of angry and scared SEALS in the waiting room, and that was a dangerous combination, but he needed a few more minutes to himself.

_The phone ringing made Eric groan as whoever was ringing his phone at the late hour was about to tell him something he really would not like, and he frowned because Bravo were on leave so it was definitely not mission related. “Blackburn.” Eric answered gruffly having been enjoying his first peaceful night’s sleep in weeks._

_“Eric.” The voice was Lisa’s but he had never heard her so shaken or terrified in all the time he had known her. The alarm had him pushing the blankets down as the sleepiness melted away instantly, as he knew that something had happened. “Something… something’s happened Eric… and it’s bad.”_

_Eric frowned as he moved around in the darkness pulling on whatever clothes he found as he went. “Lisa, are you hurt?” He asked before he tacked on, “Where are you?”. It was not often that he heard Lisa so lost and if he had not have been worried before then it grew._

_There were a few seconds of silence and the sound of rustling. “Sentara.” The one word make Eric pause as there was only one place that Lisa could have meant – Sentara Virginia Beach General Hospital._

_“Okay, Lisa I am on my way.” Eric had his keys in his hand and was already making his way out of his house._

Eric shook his head before he dragged his hand over his face one more time as he pushed himself off of the wall that he had been leaning against. He paused and looked through the narrow window of the door before he pulled himself away to head to the waiting room although he knew as soon as he relayed the news that he would have a lot more to contend with.

The waiting room was a private one but it was not any less dreary than the main one with the cream coloured walls and green couches but the tension was palpable before Eric had even stepped into the room although the moment he did all attention was snapped to him.

Jason stopped pacing and the look of pure fear was clear to see to the trained eye as he had nothing more than the rest of the guys with Eric ringing and instructing them all to get to the hospital. “What’s going on? You don’t have us meet here in the early hours of the morning unless something has happened.” Jason’s voice was demanding and Eric understood why.

“It’s Clay.” It was like the air evaporated in the room the moment Eric made his declaration.

“What do you mean it’s Clay? What happened?” Jason growled although the pure unfiltered fear had grown monumentally just with those two words.

“Eric, is he?” Brock had taken his hesitation that it was even worse than they had been led to believe especially given how haggard their Lieutenant Commander looked.

“No, god no. He’s alive Brock, he’s alive.” Eric rushed to assure them that Clay was alive before he moved across the room and sat down heavily in one of the seats that was empty. There was a moment that the tension eased. “But it’s not good, he’s in a serious but stable condition. He was stabbed.”

Eric stopped and looked around the men seeing that they had all paled and he knew he had to continue. “The knife tore open his spleen, stomach and caused a tear to his left kidney.” He paused as he recalled what the doctor had said. “The doctors did everything they could but in the interests of saving his life they had to remove his spleen however they managed to clean and close the wounds to his stomach and kidney. He is showing no signs of decreased kidney output as of now. He’s lost a lot of blood but he made it through surgery.”

“What aren’t you telling us?” Trent asked sensing there was something that they weren’t being told.

“Wait, what do you mean he made it through surgery? Shouldn’t he still be in there?” Jason spoke quickly after Trent as he picked up on Eric’s choice of words.

Eric withheld the sigh that wanted to escape his lips knowing if he was not so tired and stressed that he would have been more careful with his words. “The knife used was not clean, and he’s already showing signs of infection but they have him started on high strength antibiotics hoping to ward it off at the pass.” He paused before he turned to Jason. “I mean he is out of surgery and settled in a room Jason.” Eric had made the decision to wait for Clay to come out of surgery before he began calling everyone because he knew that they did not do well waiting for any of them to make it through surgery, and he figured they would need the extra few hours because he knew them well enough to know that they would practically move into the hospital until Clay was discharged.

Ray leaned forward feeling like the world had just tilted on its axis leaving them all free falling. “Do you know what happened? I mean do you have any more details.”

“No, I don’t, and Lisa is not up to talking right now so don’t push her about what happened.” Eric warned knowing that he would have to talk to the police in more detail in the coming hours because he wanted answers as well.

“Lisa was with him?” Sonny finally spoke although he sounded confused before his worry increased. “Is she okay?”

Eric nodded softly as he really could not answer Sonny’s second question as he was not sure of the answer. “Room 316.” He knew they all wanted to be at Clay’s side and had given the hospital the warning, and luckily the staff had been willing to accommodate them. “Go, I won’t be far behind you. I just need to make some calls.”

It was mere seconds before Eric was left alone and he would have smiled at the eagerness to get to Clay if it had not been for the tragic circumstances that led him to being in a serious condition in yet another hospital bed. He leaned back in the chair letting his head tip back until it hit against the wall as he let his eyelids close as he needed a few more minutes before he started making calls.

_It was not hard to spot Lisa curled up in one of the chairs at the far end of the private waiting room that he had been escorted too but what shocked him was how fragile she looked as a nurse sat next to her holding her hand and talking to her softly._

_“Lisa?” The sight of her covered in blood was sickening even to a man with his combat experience._

_Lisa gasped as she looked up at Eric with tear filled eyes as he crossed the room and knelt down in front of her, grateful that the nurse took it as her cue to leave. “I will pop back soon with some fresh clothes and toiletries so you can get cleaned up dear.” The nurse murmured softly although Eric was sure it was for his benefit._

_“Lisa, what happened?” Eric kept his voice soft admittedly he had been relieved when he had been directed to the waiting room but then the questions only grew because if she was alright then who was not. He reached out and pressed her hand to her trembling knee, noticing that her jeans were covered in more blood than her shirt._

_Lisa sucked in a breath, her breathing laboured, and her lips trembled much like the rest of her. “It’s Clay, he, he stepped in front of me…. The guy had a knife Eric, he had a knife…” Lisa sobbed and he gathered her in his arms as she hunched forward practically doubling over._

_Eric was sure that he felt his head spin as once again he was only left with more questions then he had answers. If he had known that Clay was hurt then he would have asked for an update on him when he had been at the desk asking for Lisa._

_Lisa sniffled and her breath hitched. “They took him to surgery but he lost so much blood Eric, he kept bleeding, I couldn’t stop it. I did everything I could but I couldn’t… It wouldn’t stop.”_

_Eric held Lisa a little tighter and his hand soothed down the back of her head. “I know you did, I know you did everything you could. It’s okay Lisa, it’s okay.” He could only wait until a doctor or nurse came back with an update because he was not going to leave her._

Eric forced his eyelids to open as the sound of the door swinging open then closed alerted him that someone had entered the room. “Doc?” A ripple of fear went through Eric as it was the surgeon who had operated on Clay.

“Petty Officer Spenser is still stable.” Doctor Callum McGuire offered quickly having seen the fear that washed over the Lieutenant Commander. “I know you said you would take care of calling his family, and with that I assumed you meant his team, but I need to ask if there is any next of kin that should be contacted.”

“No, he has everyone with him.” Eric kept the answer simple because no one, especially Clay, needed Ash Spenser coming around and playing the grieving and caring parent card.

Doctor McGuire shifted as he took the seat opposite Eric. “Petty Officer Spenser’s medical power of attorney or medical proxy as it can be referred to was recently updated.” He spoke cautiously.

Eric frowned as he had not been aware of any change and those things usually came across his desk as he looked at the doctor. “Have you notified the person?” He asked carefully hoping that it did not show that he did not know.

Doctor McGuire smiled softly. “We did not have too but I suspect that Petty Officer Spenser may have not shared his decision.” He paused. “With her.”

Eric was not surprised but it did take him an embarrassingly long amount of time to work out who the doctor had been referring to. “Lisa?” He asked for confirmation knowing Clay trusted her with his life, and apparently that extended to what would happen medically to him if decisions ever had to be made.

“Yes.” Doctor McGuire nodded softly, almost as softly as his voice. “The last thing I want to do is spring this on her especially with the trauma that she has just been through herself so I thought it was best to let you know as well. I hope that she will not have to make any decisions, further than the ones she has already made by giving us consent to transfuse and operate on him, but the last thing I want to do is blindside her more than I have done to you.” It was not hard to recognise the heaviness that had settled on the man in front of him.

Eric shook his head as he made a mental note to have a discussion with Clay about keeping them in the loop when he made important decisions like he had as Eric suspected that none of the team knew if Lisa did not. “Thanks Doc, I appreciate the warning. I feel like it might be best to leave it for the moment unless something drastically changes.” He knew it was not his decision to make but he also was not sure how much Lisa was taking in right now either. “She’s not going to go anywhere.”

Doctor McGuire gave Eric a solemn nod before he stood and moved towards the door, stopping once his hand rested on the handle. “You should be with them.” He offered before he slipped out the door heading for the on call room to grab a nap before he went to check on the young Petty Officer who had ended up on his table tonight, having fought with only the strength of a sailor.

**_Instinct And Gentleman Don’t Always Go Together Well_ **

The rhythmic beeping of the machines around Clay made Lisa both hateful and thankful at the same time as she moved her hands so that one was clasping his limp hand while the other moved up and down his forearm but it felt wrong because he was not radiating heat or pulling her closer. She had been relieved when Eric had stepped out of the room but she knew it would only be a matter of time before the men, his brothers, arrived and filled up the small room.

“You need to show me those blue eyes honey.” Lisa murmured softly as she let her eyes map his facial features. He was still far too pale for her liking with the bulky oxygen mask fixed tightly to his face giving him oxygen, and she wished he was radiating heat like he normally did. She moved her hand from his arm to his neck letting her thumb caress his jaw as he had decided that he liked to be clean shaven although she suspected that had something to do with the compliments he had gotten however she would never call him out on it; the only time he let his beard grow was when they were on deployment. “It’s going to be okay Clay, I am not going anywhere.” She let her hand move back down to his wrist and let her thumb sweep over the cold soft skin softly.

_“So what flavour will Miss Davis be having this evening?” Clay asked smiling broadly knowing exactly what flavours she would end up choosing from although he knew that ultimately she would end up being unable to choose and end up getting a scoop of both._

_Lisa knew that Clay knew the flavours she would end up getting as it was always the same. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” She teased because he was as predictable as she was when it came to his ice cream choices._

_Clay laughed as he pulled Lisa a little tighter against him. “Choc Cherry and Salty Caramel.” The combination was odd but he had to admit it was good after she had made him try it._

_Lisa did not even try to hide her growing smile at Clay knowing her favourite ice cream flavours although she never claimed they were the only ones she ate as ice cream was ice cream. “Like you don’t have a favourite.” He was less picky than she was but he still had a go to flavour. She waited until he raised an eyebrow at her waiting for her to tell him. “Birthday cake.” She knew she was right especially when his smile grew a little bit more cheeky._

“You need to wake up so I can hug you then yell at you then hug you some more.” Lisa murmured softly oblivious to the rest of the world around her.

“Damn right he does.” Sonny’s voice was thick but he quickly regretting speaking as Lisa startled violently. Sonny let his eyes wonder over Clay’s still form shocked at everything as he stopped and lent against the end of the bed as his hand reached out and gently rested over Clay’s blanket covered ankle.

Jason walked round to the other side of Clay’s bed as his uneasiness grew as his eyes looked at Clay before he looked across at Lisa. The shock was still rolling through his body at the turn of events, and he felt like his head was spinning as the only other time he had seen Clay so pale was when he had accompanied him in the ambulance in Manila.

“Lisa.” Ray’s voice was soft as he moved towards her as none of them had missed how violently she had startled. He moved closer although he stopped as he could see Lisa tense the closer he got.

Brock moved closer taking the spot next to Jason as he glanced at Trent who was already taking a peek at the medical chart that he may have pilfered from the nurses station as they made their way to Clay’s room before he leaned against the railing and took in the sight in front of them. “We are here Spense.” He spoke softly as he reached down and let his fingers graze across the pulse point in his wrist frowning at how cold he was. “Trent, he’s cold.”

Trent looked up from the file that he had borrowed at Brock’s statement. Usually the way they made Clay feel better was by letting him tuck up under a comforter but Clay did not have a comforter instead he had a thin blanket that was thinner than the standard Navy issue ones which was not going to appease any of them. “It is from the blood loss, but he has a low grade fever that is being managed.” Trent knew that it would take a while for Clay’s body to regulate itself given the amount of blood that they had to transfuse him with, and with the fever it was best not to cover him up.

Jason glanced back towards Trent grateful that the medic had stolen the file to glimpse at it and that he had kept it simple before he reached out and very gently rested his hand on Clay’s shoulder over top of the thin hospital gown that he had been put in. He frowned as he could feel just how cold Clay was through the thin layer of fabric. “You are okay kid.”

Ray had not moved any closer to Lisa but the overwhelming need to know what had happened had not left him. “Lisa, what happened?” He knew Eric had warned them not to push but he could not stand by a brother’s hospital bed without knowing what had happened.

Lisa did not pull her eyes away from Clay as she watched the rhythmic pattern of his chest rise and fall continuously and her thumb swept over the underside of his wrist in time with the movement.

_There was something in Clay’s body language that made her startle especially with the way he let go of her and stepped in front of her before he reached back and wrapped his arm around her holding her to his back._

_“Oh, you want to be the big man!”_

_“Look man, we don’t want any trouble.” Clay spoke firmly as he guided Lisa to step back in time with him._

_“You came into my territory!”_

_Lisa glanced around Clay’s arm and she tightened her grip on his arm as she caught sight of the large knife that was being waved round as the light they were under caused it to glisten. “Clay.” Lisa’s voice was barely above a whisper but she felt as he tensed against her and pulled her closer._

_“It’s alright.” Clay managed to glance over his shoulder to reassure her although he kept the angry homeless man in his sights the entire time._

_“Do you know who I am?”_

_Clay turned his full attention back to the homeless man in front of him waving the knife in front of him precariously. “We didn’t mean any harm man.”_

_Lisa felt Clay’s body hitch and bow back into her as a pained grunt left his lips. She barely had time to figure out what had happened as he fell against her as the metallic clunk of the knife echoed as it bounced off of the ground._

“Lisa?” Ray was growing increasingly worried at her silence and at the torment that was showing on her face as her eyes had glazed over even as she continued to look at Clay before he reached out and very gently nudged her shoulder making her startle again. She was jumpier than he had ever seen her.

“We cut down an alley as a shortcut.” Lisa’s voice was barely above a whisper but it was hoarse. “We were going to get ice cream after dinner.” She lowered her eyes down to the white sheet that was laid beneath Clay before she looked back up at his face.

There was a shift in the room, it was unnoticeable to the untrained eye but it was there. There was a tenseness that grew among the men because Lisa and Clay should have been safe at home going to get ice cream.

“Our guards were down, we didn’t even perceive him as a threat… I didn’t even notice him at first.” Lisa shuddered involuntarily.

“Him?” Jason picked up on that little detail and took it like a dog with a bone. There were plenty of questions that he had especially with the few details Lisa had given them like why Clay had not been able to disarm his assailant given his training but then again Jason suspected he already knew the answer, and why it had to be the kid again because he had already suffered enough.

“Jase.” Trent cautioned firmly as he could see that Lisa was more focused on Clay then on what she was saying, and he suspected that she was still exhibiting signs of shock. To Trent’s trained eye, he could see the minute trembling that her hands were doing even as they clutched loosely around Clay’s hand and wrist, and the fact that she startled so easy.

“We were going to get ice cream. He was going to get birthday cake flavour while I would get choc cherry and salty caramel.” Lisa’s eyes brimmed with tears and her voice cracked before she swallowed thickly past the lump in her throat.

“Lisa, why don’t you take a break?” Ray suggested softly as she looked like she could do with some fresh air, some time away from looking at Clay.

Lisa shook her head adamant that she was not going anywhere as she pursed her lips together as she once again alternated between watching Clay’s chest move and his face hoping to see those blue eyes sooner rather than later.

**_Instinct And Gentleman Don’t Always Go Together Well_ **

The sound of the door opening then swinging closed startled those awake in the softly lit room despite it only being just after lunchtime.

“Sorry.” Sonny kept his voice low having left to room to relieve his bladder before he went in search of some decent coffee and some sandwiches that were not stale or filled with egg, and got a blanket from the nurse because he had noticed that Lisa was shivering. “Bought us all some decent coffee and sandwiches.” They had all tried convincing Lisa to take a break but she had refused even ignoring them completely as she had largely remained silent since they had first entered the room and she had given them a brief overview of what had happened although it still felt like they had no answers. And then there was blondie who stubbornly remained asleep despite all of the noise that he had made even though it earned him glares, slaps, and reprimands.

Sonny handed the coffees on to Trent while Ray took the sandwiches before he made his way around to Lisa as he pulled the folded blanket from where it was draped over his arm. “Davis.” Sonny crouched down beside her as he used the softest voice he possessed as he really did not want her to startle again as it looked like it hurt each and every time. “I’m going to drape this blanket around ya.” He warned her as he unfolded the blanket a few more times until it only had one fold in it. She blinked heavily but made no acknowledgement before Sonny pushed himself back up to his feet and draped the light blanket around her back and over her shoulders.

“Sonny.” Trent called quietly and once he had the man’s attention he nodded towards the door. He was as hesitant as they all were to leave Clay and Lisa alone but Eric was waiting outside which meant he wanted to talk to them about something. “Lisa, we are just going to be right outside in the corridor.” Trent made sure his voice was firm but he was still concerned.

Jason stood up cracking his back as he had been sitting in the uncomfortable plastic chair for far too long without moving at all and took a long look at Clay. “We will be back soon kid, Lisa is here with you.” He murmured softly once again tapping his fingers gently against Clay’s shoulder before he moved to follow his men who had already left the room and were waiting for him.

“Jason.” Lisa’s voice cracked painfully as she spoke catching Jason just before he pulled the door open.

Jason stopped although he left his hand on the door handle as he turned back to look at Lisa.

“He protected me.” Lisa sobbed softly once she had told Jason the truth. “I know you are wondering why he didn’t take the guy down. I am the reason.” She felt as the tears rolled silently down her face and she looked away trying to shield her face as it felt wrong to cry especially when she was not the one lying in the hospital bed and she had not been the one fighting for her life.

Jason’s hand slipped off of the door handle as he turned around fully to face Lisa and he had desperately wished that her admission had come with the guys in the room but there was a reason she had waited. It was not often that Lisa showed her emotions around all of them, in fact Jason could count of one hand the times he had seen her emotional or cry, but he knew why she was this time. He moved across the room taking the seat that Ray had vacated and pulled it closer before he sat down so that he was right beside her. “You love him and he loves you Lisa, and I know he would do it again if he had to. He protects the ones he loves; it is both a blessing and a curse but it is who he is, and I could never fault him for that, neither will you, and certainly none of the guys.” Jason did know that Clay would do it again, would step in front of any weapon wielding assailant to protect someone he loved, would sacrifice his own life for someone he loved, without a hesitation of a doubt.

Lisa did not bother to swipe the tears that fell down her face, did not try to hide, as the impact of Jason’s words were far stronger than she thought they could be. “You love him too Jason, like he is one of your own kids.”

“I do.” Jason had come to realise the paternal instincts that he had towards Clay. “That’s why I am so hard on him at times, and am I going to be hard on him about this once he is well enough. But I also know what he is going to say to me.” He paused as he reached out and placed his hand on her trembling knee knowing he did not have to explain to her what Clay would say because she knew as well. “None of this is your fault Lisa, you don’t have to apologise, and you certainly don’t have anything to feel guilty about. You both should have been able to get ice cream without this happening. The only person who is accountable for any of this is the one who stabbed him.”

Lisa pursed her lips for a few seconds. “We had been drinking with dinner but we drunk a lot between us. Three bottles of wine between us.” She needed to clarify how much they had drunk with her last sentence.

Jason glanced over his shoulder before he looked at Clay and then back to Lisa. “So what? You were off duty and enjoying a few drinks with your dinner.” It was a fact. “I know for a fact that both of you can handle your alcohol. Hell, Sonny practically trained Clay to keep up with him, mind you that was helped by with a few impressive hang-overs along the way. It would take a hell of a lot more than three bottles of wine shared between the two of you and eaten with food to get the two of you inebriated.”

“I made sure I told the EMT’s and the doctor when we arrived. I made sure that they knew just in case.” Lisa rushed out.

Jason nodded his head cautiously. “That’s good Lisa. That would have helped them treat him.” He was not sure how much it would have helped but he figured it would have made them adapt on how to treat Clay. He wasn’t sure where exactly Lisa was going but he would follow her along with the conversation.

Lisa looked at Clay seeing that his eyelids were still firmly closed and he was still had a ghostly looking pallor. “Alcohol in the bloodstream affects the body’s ability to clot properly.”

Jason seriously wished that Trent would have stayed or would step back into the room but it looked like he was not going to have that much luck. “I know he’s alive because you got him here, you called 911, and you kept pressure on the wound. Nothing else matters except that you and him are okay Lisa.”

Lisa sniffled but said nothing more and Jason knew that the conversation was over. “I will be back soon.” He hesitated to leave her alone but there was no way she was going to leave Clay. He took one last look to see that Lisa had rested her head down on the edge of the bed as she kept her hands wrapped around Clay’s arm, hopefully with a bit of luck she would let herself nap but he was not very hopeful of that.

Jason stepped outside of the hospital room to see Ray, Sonny, Brock and Trent gathered with Eric at the end of the hall, and as much as he wanted to take a few minutes for himself before he had to participate in another heavy conversation he knew that the men would grow impatient as they had already been kept waiting. With far more energy than it should have taken Jason forced his weary body to trudge down the hall to join the others immediately being handed a coffee and a sandwich.

Eric looked at Jason and then at the rest of the men seeing the same thing etched on all of their faces. “Sit down, take a few minutes to eat and finish your coffee.” It was an order and they knew it was as he pointed to the group of chairs that lined the wall facing each other in front of a large window. He followed the men over and took a seat himself although he was quietly surprised at their co-operation but it also told him how exhausted they were, and he knew how they felt.

Jason shoved the last half of his sandwich into his mouth eating like a gannet before he looked at Eric. “What is it?” He asked having rushed to eat the sandwich because he was the last one to do so, and because he knew Eric would not talk to them until his order had been fulfilled or at least part of it anyway.

Eric leaned forward and looked up just in time to see a nurse slip into Clay’s room before he turned his attention back to the men. “I spoke with the police; they have arrested the man who hurt Clay.” There was no relief heard in Eric’s voice and he did not feel relieved as much as he thought he would have knowing that he had been caught.

“That’s good, right?” Ray asked concerned at the way Eric sounded.

Eric wished he could say that it was, and it was in a way but it still felt horrible. “There was a CCTV camera at the end of the alley that the attack took place, it caught it happening so the evidence is solid especially as they have the knife as well.” That was not the real news, at least not in his mind anyway.

“Was it leaked because of who Clay is? Who his father is?” That was Brock’s first thought as he took in Eric’s demeanour which was unusual.

“No, no, the media are reporting that a couple were attacked and that one of them was seriously injured but Brass is already on top of the media.” Eric was quick to reassure the men at Brock’s question which was a fair one.

“Eric, you are not making sense, and none of us have the collective patience to play twenty questions or pull teeth right now.” Jason’s words were laced with anger but it was not directed at Eric or at least he did not mean too. He was tired, stressed, and really wanted to be back in the hospital room keeping watch over the kid.

“Marine Corps Sgt Joshua Givens was medically discharged after being diagnosed with PTSD and after he suffered a TBI. He served three tours in Afghanistan, the last tour saw him and his unit come under fire from an RPG which caused the head injury, killed most of his unit as well.” Eric could literally see as the shock reverberated through each of the men at the information he had just shared and he did not blame them as he was sure he looked the same. “Clay, when he wakes up, is going to have to be told… and well after… after…”

“After Swanny.” Jason filled in the words that Eric couldn’t or wouldn’t say as he ran his hands over his face, his cup of coffee having been sat down on the floor after the last time he had spoken.

“Yes.” The implications were wide reaching and Eric suspected that not only would it bring a lot of things up for Clay but it would also implore him to consider the outcome because he could be a bleeding heart when it came to it especially after his experience which saw him get lucky.

“A public defender has been assigned to the Sergeant and he has already been ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to ascertain his level of competency.” Eric relayed what he had been told from the forthcoming detective. “Last thing Clay needs is to worry about something out of his control especially when he needs to heal but he also is going to want to know.”

“What else do you know about him?” Trent asked knowing that the more information they had the better cause they could at least attempt to mitigate the damage, and he knew the more information they could give Clay once he was awake then the better or at least he hoped.

Eric swiped a hand over his face tiredly as it felt like the day would never end and it was barely lunchtime before he dropped his hand down so that his elbow was rested against his knee and his hand dangled limply. “Givens stopped receiving care at the VA about a year ago, around the same time his wife filed for a protective order as well as divorce after a domestic incident that involved a knife but she did not want to press charges. The local police are familiar with Givens and that alley as that is where he lives by choice. Every living facility he had been put in, even court ordered, he has left.”

“Goddammit, can’t blondie catch a break?” Sonny growled although he resisted the urge to throw his half full coffee cup across the hall and make a mess. “It’s not bad enough that he was gutted with a knife while going to get ice cream with Lisa but by a vet with a TBI and PTSD.” He shook his head hating the universe more and more for its treatment of one Clay Spenser. “I’m putting him in every piece of protective gear that has ever been made and then I am going to wrap him in bubble wrap and stick him in one of those giant bubbles. The kid went for ice cream for Christ’s sake! Ice cream! I tell you Jase, he is going to wear a vest all the time. You need to make that a permanent order.”

“Sonny.” Jason groaned as he pinched at the bridge of his nose feeling the headache increase although he did not reprimand him because it was one of the ways that Sonny showed that he cared, and given the kid’s propensity for getting hurt he was rather receptive to the idea of making Clay wear a vest all the time even though he recognised the ludicrousness of it.

Eric shook his head although he could not help the smile that pulled at his lips at Sonny’s plan because he knew if there was a way he could enact it that he would endeavour too. “Okay, okay, let’s just put the boy in the bubble idea on the back burner for a while.” He held up his hand to stop Sonny’s protests before they could even begin. “The private waiting room where we met this morning is being kept closed for us. The staff offered to set up a couple of spare gurneys in there so you can all take shifts racking out because like me they know you are not leaving.” He hoped that they would take advantage of it but he also hazarded a guess that they would not.

“Let’s get back to the kid.” Jason knew that Eric had finished briefing them for the moment and he spoke as he pushed himself up to his feet ignoring the way his own body felt. He was sure that he would have time to mull over everything that they learned as he watched the kid, and decide how best to handle it.

**_Instinct And Gentleman Don’t Always Go Together Well_ **

Doctor McGuire stepped into the room and had to work to hide his smile at how his patient was surrounded by his family which in his mind was a very good thing as it helped patients to heal. The only thing that could pose a little problem was the wall that they had inadvertently formed around him but before he could approach that problem two of the men stood and moved over to lean against the wall up against the window. McGuire gave them a nod of thanks before he moved into the vacated space.

“I just need to check Petty Officer Spenser’s incision.” McGuire stated hoping they would take the hint to give him space.

“Go right ahead doc.” Sonny had stood but not moved from his place at the end of the bed nor did he make any move to remove his hand from where it rested over Clay’s ankle lightly. “We aren’t going anywhere.” There was a hardening of his voice, it was minute but it was there.

“Sonny.” Jason’s single word was firm but quiet and it was a warning for him to behave.

McGuire nodded but his eyes skirted to Lisa who had remained unmoved from Clay’s side as he had seen her when he had arrived in the emergency room, had seen how distraught she was, and he was still concerned. “I’m sure Petty Officer Spenser would appreciate a little privacy.” He said as he pulled on a pair of gloves.

Ray recognised what the doctor was trying to do and he understood and agreed with it but it was one battle that he knew would not be won. “Lisa, why don’t you and I stretch our legs and get some fresh air?” But it did not mean that he would not try.

Lisa promptly ignored Ray as she wearily watched the doctor knowing what he was trying to achieve. “You heard Sonny, we are not going anywhere.”

“Very well.” McGuire gently folded back the thin sheet and blanket down to Clay’s waist before he carefully shifted the gown making sure to keep him as covered as he could. He eased back the bandage and the gauze to see the neat long line of stitches were holding before he put the gauze and bandage back down then put the gown and blankets back in place.

“Doc?” Trent hedged as he had moved to stand next to Sonny at the end of the bed having been watching closely. He knew the doctor had been careful and he could see why he had tried getting Lisa out of the room as the wound extended down the left hand side of Clay’s abdomen almost six inches.

McGuire pulled his gloves off and disposed of them and stepped back watching as the two men moved back into place. “It looks good along with his vitals. I will have a nurse come in and change the mask out to a nasal cannula shortly. The latest test results from the blood that was drawn all look good as well as everything is heading in the right direction.”

“When will blondie be awake then?” Sonny inquired quickly with a frown because it did not make sense that Clay remained asleep when his vitals were supposedly good.

“Petty Officer Spenser’s body had been through a lot of trauma but he is young, fit and healthy which is incredibly beneficial. He lost a lot of blood and although we have replaced it, it will still take some time. He will wake up when he is ready, and there is nothing to do but wait.” McGuire explained patiently understanding their need and desire to see his patient awake as it was clear just how much they all cared. “Any other questions?” He asked as he let his eyes glance over the occupants.

“We’re good, thanks Doc.” Trent effectively dismissed McGuire just as the team closed ranks around Clay’s still body as they took their places in the seats again.

Lisa swallowed thickly and let her eyelids close as she fought to stave off the tears that filled her eyes as she saw the wound that lined Clay’s abdomen. She was not going to cry again. She leaned back in the chair, unfurling her leg out from underneath her, before she arched her back then leant forward in the plastic chair and forced her eyelids to open once more settling in again.

Jason looked at Brock after his leg was nudged by him before he saw him nod towards Lisa whose glassy eyes did not go unnoticed. He nodded back communicating that he had seen it too before he looked to Ray then to Sonny and Trent. None of them wanted to share what they had learned, what Eric had told them, but she had a right to know considering she was involved in the incident.

“Davis.” Sonny’s voice broke the silence that was only punctuated by the steady beep of the machine that was monitoring Clay. Apparently it was Sonny who decided to take the plunge and speak first. “Eric came bearing news.”

Lisa’s eyes glanced from Clay to Sonny for mere seconds before her eyes were back on Clay; it was almost as if she was afraid to look away from him. “I don’t want to know Sonny.” Her voice was hoarse but she really did not want to know anything unless it was about Clay’s medical status or if was waking. She did not have it in her to fight any of them on this, did not have any energy to spare to focus on whatever it was that Sonny wanted to tell her.

Brock sat forward, hunched over, as he reached out and cautiously placed his hand over Clay’s once more letting his thumb sweep over the skin feeling that he was returning to his usual warmth but more importantly feeling the strong pulse that was thumping beneath his thumb whilst being careful not to disrupt the intravenous cannula that was feeding him fluids. “Lisa, you need to know.” He paused and looked at Clay to make sure that he was not showing any signs of waking up just yet. “For Clay, you need to know.” It might have been a low blow but they needed her to listen because she was his rock just as he was hers. Before anything more could be said, the nurse stepped into the room making them all shift as she worked effectively to remove the oxygen mask from Clay and replace it with a nasal cannula although she took a few seconds to run a damp cloth over his face between the swap, and once she was done she gave them a soft smile before she slipped out of the room again.

Brock let his thumb make a few more passes over Clay’s wrist as the feel of his pulse was calming to him before he retracted his hand. “Lisa… the man who attacked the both of you…”

“Brock please, don’t.” Lisa shook her head from side to side interrupting him.

Brock looked to Jason before he turned back to Lisa having caught the subtle shake that told him to push forward. “And he did attack the both of you Lisa. He was a veteran with diagnosed, recognised, PTSD and a TBI.” There was no point trying to sugar-coat the information as it was devastating any way that it was put. “It sounds like he fell through the system.”

Lisa pulled her eyes from Clay and met Brock’s as the feeling of disbelief was quickly replaced with anger and then sorrow because she quickly realised why Brock had forced himself to disregard her wants and tell her. “Brett Swann.” She whispered the words painfully but they were heard. There was nothing that could be said as the heaviness set in even more as she returned her eyes to Clay once again and let her hand begin trailing up and down his forearm softly as her mind worked through everything but it felt like she was spinning rather than making any connection.

**_Instinct And Gentleman Don’t Always Go Together Well_ **

Clay laid perfectly still as he tried to work out where he was before he showed any sign of being awake. The smell of antiseptic… the steady beep somewhere close to his head… the feeling of hands on him, stroking over him softly… he was in the hospital and he wasn’t alone but he knew he was safe as he knew the hands that were on him. There was pain that laced through his abdomen, dull but definitely noticeable, and he suspected all too knowingly that once the pain medication was reduced then the pain would become sharp and persistent. The steady consistent flow of air told him he had one of those annoying nasal cannulas hooked around his ears and into his nostrils. He let his heavy tongue dart around his parched mouth. And he tried to think back to what happened but his mind was fuzzy.

“You have got to wake up blue eyes.” Lisa’s soft murmur caught Clay’s attention and he found himself smiling because he knew already that she was there and that his brothers were there too. With a concerted effort, Clay tried to force his eyelids to open but they felt far heavier than he ever recalled them feeling.

“We all want to see those blue eyes Lisa.” Jason said just as he squeezed his shoulder gently.

Clay let the small smile fall as he could not place the sound in Lisa’s and Jason’s voices but whatever it was sent a small pang of panic through him because they only had that tone in their voices when it was really bad. In his addled brain, he could put the two together given the fact that he was the one in hospital.

_Clay felt the surge of pain as the knife tore through his stomach and before he knew it he looked down just in time to see the blade of the knife that had been buried to the hilt in him be pulled out before the first gush of blood came rushing out and he was falling backwards._

_“Clay, Clay, look at me.” Lisa’s panicked voice broke through the sound of the whistling that had filled his ears as he continued to strain his neck trying to look down at the blood that had soaked through his shirt, over his hands and was pooling beneath him on the ground. “I need an ambulance, I have one male with a stab wound.” She said as she pulled off her jacket having already rattled off their location the moment she was connected with the operator._

_Clay turned his head to look at Lisa as her words pulled his attention as he tried to make sense of what was happening. “Lis… Lis…” He tried to reach out his hand to her only managing to succeed in grabbing her arm but his hand was slick with blood and kept slipping._

_“Shush Clay, you are okay.” Lisa assured him as she pressed her jacket down across the heavily bleeding wound making him grunt. “I know, I’m sorry.”_

_Clay could see the fear in Lisa’s eyes, could hear the tremble in her voice, and all he wanted to do was comfort her. “You? You’re bleeding.” His eyes caught the sight of blood on her shirt, a splattering of it._

_“I’m fine, let’s just worry about you right now.” Lisa applied a little bit more pressure and made Clay grunt again._

The alarm that was monitoring Clay screamed out startling everyone in the room, and one quick look told them all that his heart rate was rising at an alarming rate.

“Trent, what’s happening?” Jason asked in a tone where his fear was barely contained.

“Lisa, talk to him.” Trent moved around the bed having to squeeze past Jason as he silenced the alarm as Clay’s heartrate had climbed even higher with the sound of the alarm.

Lisa looked at Trent but did not ask any questions as she stood up and twisted so that she was in Clay’s line of sight even though his eyelids remained stubbornly closed. “Clay, honey, it’s okay, and you’re okay. We are all here.” She spoke softly almost like she was repeating a mantra. She moved the hand that had been gently alternating between resting on his wrist with her thumb making sweeping motions and rubbing his forearm up to the top of his head as she began to run her hands through his hair.

Trent was watching the monitors closely having seen that Doctor McGuire had arrived but had stopped at the door having seen the same thing he had. “Keep going Lisa.” Trent said quietly, unsurprised that Clay was going to wake up with a start although there had been no outward signs that he had been waking up.

Lisa glanced up at Trent as she kept her fingers moving through his hair not paying attention to any of the men around or the fact that they were watching. “Show me those blue eyes of yours Clay. I, we, would really like to see them.”

“Come on goldilocks, you’ve been sleepin’ for long enough.” Sonny couldn’t help but to speak even as he kept a hold of Clay’s ankle although he made sure not to apply any pressure as the last thing he wanted to happen was for Clay to kick out and end up hurting himself by ripping all of the doctor’s nice handiwork.

“Sonny’s right, you know, you have been sleeping for far too long. And Sonny isn’t often right about many things but I think you should let him have this one.” Lisa smiled softly even though she knew that the more rest Clay got the better. “Don’t make me get Jason to order you to open those eyes of yours.” She teased softly even though she felt very far from a teasing mood but if it got Clay to wake up then she would try.

Clay felt the panic recede in the same ways that waves receded away at the beach being drawn back out to sea and his entire body relaxed exhaustedly back into the comfortable mattress that he was lying on as he focused on the familiar and comforting feeling of Lisa’s fingers running through his short hair.

“Heart rate is right back down.” Trent announced softly as he looked at Doctor McGuire who nodded in agreeance with him as he continued to stay where he was.

Clay’s lips parted softly as he finally managed to force his eyelids to open although he had to blink several times for the blurriness to clear, and for Lisa’s face to come into focus.

“There you are.” The relief was pure as the words left Lisa’s lips as she stilled her fingers and stepped back just enough for him to see everyone else.

“Good to see you awake brother.” Ray smiled as he felt his own relief course through his body.

“About damn time goldilocks.” Sonny groused although it was not hard to discern the underlying worry and the happiness in his voice for those that knew him.

“It’s okay Spense, you’re in hospital.” Brock confirmed what he already knew knowing that being aware of one’s surroundings was always helpful especially when waking up in a hospital bed in pain.

Jason moved forward just enough to be in Clay’s line of sight as the kid had not tried to move at all. “Good to see you kid.” He kept it light knowing he had plenty more to say but it was not the right time.

Trent moved back returning to his position at the end of the bed in between Ray and Sonny. “Let the doc take a look at you then we can talk some more.” Trent wanted to make sure Clay really was okay as it was slightly concerning that he had not even tried to speak nor had he made any type of noise.

Doctor McGuire knew that was his cue and he took it although he made sure to cautiously approach the bed. “Petty Officer Spenser, I must say it is nice to see those eyes of yours after hearing your family talk about them. I am Doctor Callum McGuire, and I am the surgeon that operated on you. I just want to check your pupil reaction and a few other things, and then I will leave you but I will be back to check in with you later.” He made sure to keep his hands clearly in view at all times and made sure to verbally talk through everything that he was going to do before he even moved onto it. He had learned long ago that it was best to practise this way when dealing with members of the military even when they were not injured in the line of duty.

Clay had remained silent the entire time instead choosing to look at Lisa once the neurological exam had been completed and he frowned as his eyes wondered over her attire as he knew almost all of her clothes as he had been in her wardrobe enough times having to raid it for his own shirts on more than one occasion, not that he minded.

Doctor McGuire was not surprised by the Petty Officer’s silence but it was rather interesting to see how enamoured the young man was by Lisa because despite having just woken up in a panic it was clear the love he had for her although it was easy to see it was not a romantic love. McGuire smiled as he stepped back giving his patient some space. “Everything is looking good, I am pleased.” He paused. “Petty Officer Spenser can have some water although I will have the nurse bring in some ice chips as it will be easier on his stomach. I will be back later once he is more awake.”

“Thanks Doc.” Ray conveyed his thanks with a nod just before the doctor slipped out of the room seemingly being very understanding that Clay needed some quiet time having just woken up rather than be endlessly poked and prodded, or asked a hundred questions.

Clay frowned so much so that his forehead wrinkled before he looked around the room seeing the rest of his team, and while they looked dishevelled and tired, they were still in their own clothes. Clay spent the next few moments trying to put the pieces together – Sonny had said he had been sleeping for far too long, and Lisa was at his side in clothes that weren’t her own.

“Clay?” Lisa had seen the frown that appeared on Clay’s face, had etched into his facial features, and if she was being honest his silence was starting to concern her.

“N-not y-yours.” Clay’s voice was hoarser than hers but not by much as he finally spoke.

There were several quick glances exchanged over Clay as he laid in the hospital bed as they were not expecting his first words to be those just as a nurse poked her head into the room and handed the cup of ice chips to Sonny who took them before she left.

“What’s not Lisa’s, Spense?” Brock asked because even Lisa looked confused.

Clay managed to raise his hand up and reach out to tug on the hem of the shirt that Lisa was wearing making them all understand.

Lisa smiled and shook her head in disbelief that her outfit was what he wanted to talk about having just woken up. “I borrowed some clothes from the hospital.” A nurse, and Eric after he had ordered her to, had made Lisa go and have a hot shower to wash away the remnants of the night, to wash Clay’s blood from her skin, and she had ended up wearing a pair of scrub pants and a long sleeved top. “Couldn’t miss you waking up.” She carefully reached her hand down and gently unhooked his fingers from the grasp they had on the edge of the cotton shirt before she entwined their fingers together as she settled back down in the chair as her body was weary but that did not matter for now.

“Well at least we know he’s still perceptive as shit.” Trent was relieved although he was not sure why Clay had chosen to fixate on Lisa’s clothing but he did not care either. “How are you feeling kiddo?” He asked as he snatched the cup of ice chips from Sonny and handed them down to Lisa.

Clay smiled that smile that seemed reserved for the use of ‘kiddo’ from Trent as he reluctantly shifted his eyes to meet Trent’s. “Feel like someone put a knife in me then someone else went digging around after it.” The bluntness did not go unnoticed but it was surprising because Clay hated to admit he was in pain before Lisa managed to get a small spoonful of ice chips into his mouth to help soothe his throat.

Jason winced recalling exactly what abdominal surgery after being stabbed felt like, put plainly it sucked. “Let the doc give you the good stuff for a few days, just to take the edge off.” He implored already expecting that battle to arise, and knowing Clay it would be sooner rather than later, probably about the time the nurse came into inject the next dose into his I.V.

Clay gave some lazy flick of his hand which did not give them an answer either way but then again he had not protested being given any either before he turned his eyes back on Lisa. “Are you okay?” He asked worried that she had been hurt.

“I’m fine.” Lisa was quick to assert as the last thing he needed was to worry about her when he was the one in a hospital bed.

Clay looked to Jason and Jason could not help the smirk that tugged at his lips. “Eric had a doctor check her out, she’s fine, not a scratch on her.” Jason understood the need for reassurance especially given it was Lisa.

Clay moved his right arm, the one with the cannula in it, and tried to push himself up although Lisa was quick to press her hand to the centre of his chest while Jason reprimanded him before Brock raised the bed just enough to have him sitting up a little higher. The movement left Clay a little bit more breathless than it should have, and he was glad for the nasal cannula giving him oxygen as he was sure he would have been panting without it.

“What is it Spenser?” Ray asked as Clay had the look like he wanted to say something but he was considering whether he should or not. The last thing any of them wanted was for Clay to panic again although waking up in a hospital was sure to do that to any of them.

Clay drew his bottom lip into his mouth chewing down on it for longer than he should have before he released it feeling the exhaustion set in but he was not ready to give into it either. “The guy who did this…” He used his free hand to loosely wave over his blanket covered abdomen as he paused unsure of how to say what he had to say.

“Blondie?” Sonny was not sure whether he wanted Clay to continue speaking or to stop but if Clay wanted to say something then they had to let him.

Clay sucked in a breath that made him cringe as the pain flared for a few seconds before it receded again.

“Take it easy Clay.” Trent kept his voice light but the reprimand was still clear.

Clay gave a curt nod to Trent before he let Lisa give him another small spoonful of ice chips as the first mouthful had felt good as it wet his mouth and moistened his throat. He let the chips melt quickly before he swallowed softly as he took the time to formulate his words thankful that he was not being pushed. “He had some sort of military training.” His voice was barely above a whisper and he diverted his eyes from his brothers and Lisa.

Jason moved around Brock so he could see Clay fully slightly surprised and also alarmed at the way Clay was suddenly avoiding looking at them at his admission. It was almost like he was worried how they would react. Jason looked to Ray and Trent for guidance but neither seemed sure how to handle this development as they had planned to wait until Clay was stronger, maybe even until after he had been discharged, it all depended on how many questions he asked in the coming days. “You’re right, he did. He is a Marine who was medically retired.” Jason pitched his voice soft hoping to soften the blow although there really was no way to soften that.

Clay nodded once solemnly as his eyes flickered to Jason then around to everyone else. “Okay.” He realised he did not want any further details right now as his focus was waning quickly as the exhaustion was seeping in.

Lisa was not surprised at Clay’s acceptance although she was also smart enough to know that it would come up later but they would deal with it when they had too. She felt as the grip he had on her hand began to loosen and a quick glance showed his eyelids fluttering even as he fought to stay awake.

Jason knew that Clay was exhausted and he knew it was because of the trauma his body had been through. “Get some sleep sunshine.”

Clay gave one last feeble nod before his eyelids finally won the battle that his brain seemed intent on fighting as they closed and stayed closed. It was only seconds before his breathing had evened out and he relaxed even further.

**_Instinct And Gentleman Don’t Always Go Together Well_ **

Eric stepped into the room with Mandy following behind with two bags full of subs and cookies as well as sodas for all of the guys with the exception of Clay who would be on a liquid and soft food diet for a while. Mandy also had a small overnight bag over her shoulder having made a stop at Lisa’s after Jason’s call to the both of them explaining that he was awake, that he knew the man who attacked him was a war veteran, and that he seemed more worried about the fact that Lisa was wearing borrowed clothes than anything else.

It was early in the evening but the exhaustion was clear in the room as they were all slumped in the uncomfortable plastic chairs around Clay’s bed with their feet kicked up on the bed or in Lisa’s case curled up beneath her, and none of them even looked their way. The goal seemed to be rest while Clay rested. Eric was relieved to see that Clay had gained a lot of his colour back although not quite all of it but both he and Mandy had stopped and talked to the doctor who was pleased with his progress given that it had been less than twenty four hours since Clay was stabbed.

“We bought you all something to eat and drink.” Mandy spoke softly foregoing greeting and pleasantries as she let her eyes wander over Clay’s still form before she looked back at Eric. To her, Clay’s look shocked her but she suspected he had looked worse before given the way Eric nodded at her. “And Lisa, I bought you toiletries and a change of clothes as I understand your attire isn’t to Clay’s liking but eat first. Also grabbed a couple of items for Clay so he does not have to stay in that atrocious gown” Her words bought several smiles and snickers to the men’s faces as the smell of the food seemed to have them moving but it was only to drop their feet to the ground and sit up further in their chairs.

Lisa smiled and shook her head as she looked at Clay before she eased back into her seat ignoring the way her back hurt from sitting in the uncomfortable plastic chair as she had been doing for the past several hours.

“How’s he doing anyway?” Eric asked as he began handing out subs amazed at how Mandy knew all of the guy’s favourite fillings and glad that they had been labelled otherwise he would not have a clue what sandwich was for who.

“Could cast him in Sleeping Beauty as Sleepy Beauty.” Sonny groused clearly wanting Clay to be awake. “Award winning role for him.” He accepted the sub from Eric as he let his eyes sweep over Clay again as they had been doing every few minutes since they had first arrived in his hospital room.

“The more rest he gets then the quicker he will heal Sonny.” Trent sounded exasperated and it was clear to Eric that Sonny had probably been complaining at some point about how much Clay had slept although he also knew that Sonny would ensure that things stayed quiet so that Clay could sleep if that was what he needed which he was.

Mandy moved around the bedside and pressed the sub into Lisa’s hand, the one that was not tangled in Clay’s hand, having been made aware of what all Eric knew. “Eat then you are going to shower.”

Eric leaned back against the wall glad that the men and Lisa were beginning to eat as Mandy came to rest beside him.

A soft rustle of the blanket followed by a soft moan had all of their attention diverted to Clay as his nose twitched and his eyelids fluttered open just enough so that he could see. “What time is it?” He asked as he tried to work it out as he had no idea of how long he had been asleep for or how long it had been since he had gotten stabbed.

Trent spared a glance at his watch as he finished his last bit of food once again unsurprised by Clay’s question. “Going on 1900 Clay.” He informed him knowing the blinds were drawn hence why he used 24 hour time.

Clay nodded before he tried to shift as his back was sore from lying on it the whole time but he stilled with a wince and a grunt at the same time that his breath caught.

“Take it easy kid, best not to move around to much right now.” Jason reached out and placed his hand on Clay’s shoulder, not to still him but to comfort him as his food was forgotten for the moment.

“I’m good.” Clay blew out a shaky breath as he had been taught how to breathe through the pain long ago.

“You hungry? The doc is happy for you to eat some soup or we can get you some jelly and ice cream.” Trent asked wanting to get Clay eating but he also understood if he did not want to and decided that he would not push it for the moment. Clay screwed up his nose, whether it was the food suggested or the thought of eating, Trent was not sure. “Nauseous?” Trent asked knowing the last thing Clay needed was nausea and to vomit.

Clay shook his head as he tried to get comfortable with moving around more than he had to but it was not working very well at all. “No.” He answered once he finally settled as he realised it was probably going to be a while before he got comfortable again.

“Need more pain meds Spense?” No one had missed the wincing or the minute shifting that he had been doing, and Brock decided to take the plunge and ask the question that none of them wanted to.

Clay looked to Brock, his eyelids opened fully now, before he looked at Trent. “Sooner I am ambulatory, the sooner I can get out of here, right?” He asked catching them all of guard.

“Doesn’t mean you have to be in pain Spenser.” Ray interjected quickly hating that Clay believed that he had to suffer through the pain of his injuries just to get home quicker.

Trent was surprised considering Clay had hardly said anything nor had he even tried to get out of bed but he understood not wanting to stay in the hospital for any longer than he had too. “That’s up to the doc. They will keep you a few more days at least given that you just had major abdominal surgery and suffered severe blood loss.” Trent kept his voice level while giving Clay information that he had not even asked for.

“Can I at least be transferred to the base hospital?” Clay’s question had shocked them yet again as he was not arguing about staying in the hospital but was requesting a transfer of hospitals.

Jason glanced over his shoulder at Eric who seemed just as surprised as he was before he looked back at Clay wondering what exactly they had missed as there had to be something.

Trent looked at Eric and received a subtle nod telling him it was his and Doctor McGuire’s call but he was not going to object. “Is that where you would prefer to be?” Trent asked wanting to confirm Clay’s wishes, and he had to admit that being at the base hospital would be easier for all of them as it was much closer to home for all of them and he would be completely protected even though there was no threat to him or his safety.

Clay raised his hand to his face and ran it over his face although he was careful to avoid the nasal cannula that he was still wearing before he nodded tiredly towards Trent. “Yeah, if I have to stay in hospital, that’s where I would prefer to be.” He stated so there could be no miscommunication.

Eric stepped forward and looked around the room seeing that everyone was more than a little bit stunned by Clay’s request although he also suspected that he knew why but it was not the time to share his suspicion but it was to do with the change in Clay’s medical proxy paperwork. “Alright, Trent and I will go talk to Doctor McGuire about getting you transferred to base in the morning, and see what we can get organised. And while we do that Lisa is going to go have a shower and get into some of her own clothes.”

Lisa looked up at Eric wondering how she had been factored into him and Trent stepping out of the room. “It can wait a little longer.” She dismissed quickly before Clay looked at her.

“Go have a shower Lis, I’m not going anywhere anyway especially not with the hold Sonny has on my ankle.” Clay smirked at Sonny who did not even looked ashamed at being called out for having a continuous hold on his ankle before he looked back at Lisa who looked more exhausted than he felt. “You look like you could use a nice hot shower, and you definitely need to be in your own clothes.”

“Okay Clay.” Lisa relented after a few moments of wavering as she knew Clay would force himself to stay awake to badger her about showering rather than rest like he needed too.

“Come on Lisa.” Mandy moved towards the door waiting for Lisa as she had the bag strap over her shoulder. Mandy figured that Lisa could do with some company, not in the shower, but from the looks of it more than a few minutes out of the hospital room would do her some good so if they stopped and had a chat then no one would mind.

“I’ll be back soon.” Lisa told Clay somewhat uncomfortable leaving him despite the fact that she knew Jason, Ray, Sonny and Brock would not be going anywhere for the moment.

“I know.” Clay smiled softly before he let go of her hand from his. It took a few moments for Mandy and Lisa to exit who were then followed by Trent and Eric but it was enough time for Clay to turn his attention towards Jason. “What aren’t you guys telling me about the guy who did this?” It was clear that something was being kept hidden, and now he wanted those details that he had not wanted to know when he had first woken up.

Damn the kid’s perceptiveness, Jason thought as the kid was damn perceptive even with a whole lot of medication in his system and recovering from severe blood loss and significant trauma.

“You said he was a Marine, and medically discharged.” Clay repeated what Jason had told him.

“I did. The Marine served his tours in Afghanistan, on his last tour he got injured and sent home.” Jason knew he was not giving Clay the details that he had asked for, and he knew he would not get it past him but he had to try at least.

“Okay? That doesn’t tell me a lot.” Clay wished that they would stop trying to protect him momentarily and just tell him.

Brock leaned forward deciding to soften the blow as much as he could while being as honest as he could be. “He was being treated at the VA up until a year or so ago for a TBI and for PTSD. He stopped getting treatment and he would not accept any help he was given as he kept running away from houses and facilities that he had been put into. The alley you and Lisa walked into was his home.”

“You came into my territory.” Clay uttered the words as the pieces clicked into his head.

“What? What are you talking about blondie?” Sonny exclaimed loudly before he softened his voice and asked what he was talking about just as he gave his ankle a slight jostle.

Clay looked up as everything clicked into place from what he had learned about TBI’s and PTSD before and after Brett’s suicide. “It’s what he said when he was waving the knife around. It didn’t make sense at the time but it kind of does now especially with all I know.” He paused having to get his breath back because thinking of Swanny almost always stole his breath momentarily. “What happened to him?”

Ray could see that Clay was not going to rest until he knew. “He was arrested not long after it happened but he is being required to undergo an assessment given his history.” It was simple although it felt far from it.

Clay was still for a few minutes and they let the silence fall over them as they all watched cautiously before he leaned forward and reached up to tug at the collar of the gown trying to pull it free.

“Woah, what are you doing?” Jason was quick to reach out and grab both of Clay’s wrists to stop his actions. Not even the sound of the door opening shifted Jason’s attention or made him loosen his grip.

Trent stopped immediately wondering what the hell was going on as Jason was restraining Clay’s wrists. “Jase, let him go. Clay, talk to us.” Trent ordered even though he held no authority.

Jason let go of Clay’s wrist although he was ready to grab them again if it was needed.

“I want to see.” Clay said simply once again making a move to tug at the neck of the gown but once again his wrists were caught and held.

Trent moved around into the space that Lisa had vacated so that he was right next to Clay’s head and indicated for Jason to release Clay’s wrists once more which he did after a few prolonged seconds. “You want to see the wound that you have?” He asked understanding although he was unsure of what prompted the sudden need to see it.

“Yeah.” Clay’s voice had begun to get raspy again relieved that Trent understood what Clay wanted.

“Okay, just hold on a second and we will help you to look. Do you want to change out of the gown while you are at it?” Trent asked figuring there was no harm in letting him get changed out of the gown and into a pair of fresh briefs and a pair of sweatpants that Mandy had bought for him as they both would rest low enough on his hips not to interfere or pull at the wound, and he would be more comfortable.

Clay nodded softly glad that Trent understood although he was not looking forward to the effort that it would take. “What did the doc say about getting me transferred?” He asked as he leaned forward just enough for Trent to reach around and loosen the first knot of the first set of strings on the hospital gown that was behind his neck.

Eric had been watching closely but had stayed out of the way until now deciding to answer Clay’s question rather than make Trent do it. “It’s all arranged, the transfer will take place in the morning but it is conditional on you not throwing any complications until then.” Eric emphasised the condition that they had reached with the doctor although Doctor McGuire had been and continued to be very understanding.

“Thanks.” Clay rasped as his energy was fading, and the way he was sitting was putting pressure on the wound that he had yet to see.

Trent heard the strain in Clay’s voice as he finished the first knot that was far tighter than it should have been. “Clay, I am going to leave the tie at the side cinched together for the moment just until we get you dressed.” Trent waited until Clay nodded before he pressed forward. “You just let me know when you are ready for us to uncover your torso.” It had to be Clay’s choice and Trent was not going to push him on it or begrudge him if he changed his mind and decided he was not ready to look as it had been shocking even to Trent.

Clay tried to take a deep breath but stopped as he felt the stitches pull. “I’m ready.” He had to look and the sooner he did then it would be one less thing to worry about.

“Okay, Jase hold his shoulder once I get the gown down.” Trent wanted Clay to be supported and the last thing he wanted was for him to lean to far forward and fold over as that would just put undue pressure on his abdomen. With slow movements Trent managed to keep Clay’s movements to a minimum as he eased the thin hospital gown until it was pooled in his lap.

Jason kept one hand on Clay’s shoulder just as Trent had directed before he moved the pillow behind his back trying to give him a bit more support as he could see the signs of pain that he was doing his upmost not to show. “Just take it easy kid. We’ve got you.” Jason assured him as he could feel the moment that Clay had started trembling from exhaustion rather than anything else.

Trent stole a pair of fresh gloves from the nearby box and pulled them on as the last thing he wanted to do was contaminate the wound as he pulled back and then replaced the bandage as Clay was still largely susceptible to an infection despite still being on intravenous antibiotics. “Ready?” Trent asked as he moved in front of Clay as much as he could so that he did not pull on the skin or the stitched wound in any way when he lifted it.

“Trent.” Clay rasped needing Trent to stop checking and just lift the bandage so he could see the wound. It didn’t help that his energy was waning faster than it should have been, and maybe his patience should be included in that.

“Alright.” Trent could see that Clay was getting antsy so he reached forward and very gently pulled the bandage off and then removed the gauze that was under it taking a moment to check it and he was relieved to find there were no signs of infection including pus although it was a little bloody.

Clay looked down and he felt his eyes widen at the thick black stitches that now lined the left side of his abdomen vertically. It was just another wound that would become another scar to add to his ever growing collection.

Brock could see that Clay’s hand had started to gravitate towards the wound but before it could even get close he reached out and caught his wrist much like Jason had done several minutes prior. “Sorry Spense but you can’t touch it just yet.” Brock kept his voice soft capturing the rest of the men’s attention as they had all been focused on watching Clay’s face. They were all familiar with tracing their fingers over their scars from time to time but it was not a scar yet.

“Doc did a good job at getting a nice neat line, and the thread he used for the sutures is supposed to help minimise scarring.” Trent advised as he made sure to keep his tone easy. None of them were strangers to scars on their body but anything to lessen them was always appreciated.

Clay watched the way the wound moved, watched the way the stitches moved, and tried to reconcile the feeling that he had felt when the knife went through him with what he was seeing. “What’s the damage beneath this? Internally, I mean.” He asked without shifting his eyes away from his own stomach feeling like it was a question he should have asked earlier.

Trent was hesitant to tell Clay as he was not sure whether he was up to it but he had a right to know. “The blade hit your spleen, stomach and caused a small tear in your left kidney.” Clay’s breath hitched noticeably but Trent knew he had to continue on. “The doctors made the decision to remove your spleen because it was ruptured however they repaired the tears to your stomach and your kidney. There is no decrease in your kidney function which is great news.”

Clay frowned at the list of internal injuries although he knew in his mind it could have been far worse however there was one thing that stuck out to him and caused a shrill of panic through him. “Can I still operate without my spleen?” He asked as his mind went blank.

“What the hell are you talking about not operating because you don’t have a spleen?” Sonny frowned before he turned his frown into a mildly murderous glare that was aimed at Trent because there had not been any talk of his injuries meaning he could no longer operate.

Trent shook his head and promptly ignored Sonny’s murderous glare as he focused on Clay wanting to know what was going on in his mind. “What makes you ask that Clay?”

Clay screwed his eyelids closed as he felt the storm raging within him as he tried to work out the sudden onslaught of conflicting emotions that had come on quickly. “Without a spleen…” He trailed off trying to recall what he knew but the exhaustion was making it harder to think.

Trent glanced around at his brothers and Eric seeing the conflicting emotions that ranged from face to face and he understood it. “Are you worried about the fact that without a spleen your immunity can be compromised?” Trent figured that was what had spurred Clay’s question but he also did not want to put words in his mouth either so it was a delicate balancing act. Clay’s silence was answer enough especially with the way his body reacted as he clutched the blanket tightly in his free hand. “It can but it is easily managed Clay. It will mean a routine of yearly vaccines and prophylactic antibiotics just to give your immune system a boost. And it will mean a bit more work for you and I but that’s okay because that just means we will need to make sure that any scrapes and scratches are cleaned and treated thoroughly as soon as they can be to try and limit the risk of infection which we do anyway. There are a number of Tier One Operators, both past and present, which have operated after having their spleens removed.”

Clay opened his eyelids just in time to look at Trent just as he said his last sentence feeling as the panic receded once more.

“Any other questions kid?” Jason asked softly as he let his hand migrate from Clay’s shoulder to the back of his neck and he gave it a soft squeeze. It was easy to see that Clay was fading fast but it was not unexpected, if anything he was staying awake longer than he should have been at this point in his recovery.

Clay shook his head softly as his eyelids were heavy once again.

“Alright Clay, lets get you bandaged up then you can get changed and get some more sleep.” Trent had already pulled out a fresh packet of gauze and a new sticky bandage from the supplies drawer that was tucked into the corner of the room. There was no point prolonging things any further and forcing Clay to stay awake more than he already was.

Clay let his eyelids flutter continuously despite how hard he tried to focus on watching what Trent was doing even though he knew he did not have too.

“Alright blondie, put your briefs on.” Sonny flung them at him lightly knowing that the gown and blankets were still covering him making Clay force his eyelids up once more.

“Sonny.” Ray shook his head wondering what he was thinking flinging Clay’s underwear at him. “It will be easier to move him to the edge of the bed, let him get dressed that way then in the bed. That way he doesn’t have to wiggle and lift himself up as much.”

Trent shook his head as Sonny and Ray descended into a slightly ridiculous argument about what the best way was to get Clay dressed. Ultimately Ray was right but Trent was also smart enough not to join the argument. “Brock, think you can hold him up while Jase joins me on this side.”

“I’ve got him.” Brock seamlessly slid into Jason’s place as Eric pushed Ray and Sonny out of the hospital room so that could continue their squabble, and because Clay did not need them all watching as he got changed.

“Okay Clay, this is going to be uncomfortable but Jase, Brock and I are going to help you move so that you are sitting on the edge of the bed. We are going to move really slowly and if you need to stop just let us know. It won’t be for long, I will get your feet into your briefs and sweatpants then pull them up to your knees where you can hold them and pull them up under your gown once Jase and I stand you up.”

“Yeah, okay.” Clay did not have the energy to be embarrassed although he knew that Trent would keep the gown around his hips until he was dressed so at least he would be covered. As much as he was not looking forward to moving, he was looking forward to being out of the hospital gown that did not provide any warmth at all and he still felt cold.

Jason, Trent and Brock moved together working efficiently to get Clay up, and over to the side of the bed before Trent did just as he said then with his and Jason’s steadying support Clay managed to stay upright for long enough to pull his briefs then his sweatpants up before Trent undid the final tie on the side of the ground and let it fall to the floor.

“Okay, sit him down Jase.” Trent had felt Clay’s shaking increase as he had watched his blood pressure drop a few points but that was understandable given how long he had been lying down but it also meant that Trent did not want to push Clay’s fragile body more than it had been already. “Did Mandy pack him any socks?” Trent asked having noticed the goose bumps that had formed on his skin, having been there before he had even moved the gown.

“You got him?” The question was directed at Brock from Jason.

“Of course I do.” Brock smiled as he was holding both of Clay’s shoulders with a firm but gentle grip.

Jason could see that Clay was in pain and fighting his exhaustion as he had been doing the entire time so he moved quickly and pulled the socks that Mandy had packed although he left the t-shirt. “Here Trent.” Jason tossed the rolled up bundle of socks to Trent who caught them and quickly managed to get them onto Clay’s feet.

Trent smiled softly as he stood up from being crouched on the floor. “Back in bed kiddo.” Even as tired as Clay was he still smiled at Trent.

Clay went limp as Jason, Brock and Trent gently moved him back into the bed and tucked him back under the thin hospital issue blanket knowing he would snuggle down and sleep through although he was still fighting sleep.

Eric slipped back into the room having ordered Ray and Sonny to stay out in the hall as he moved onto his next task of getting the men to go home for the night, or most of them anyway. He already knew that Lisa was not going anywhere so there was no point causing an argument although he hoped that now Clay had woken and was stable that she would at least allow herself to rest. “Jason.” Eric waited until Jason had stepped back from Clay once he had finished making sure that the blanket was tucked around Clay just as he preferred.

Jason moved across the room to confer with Eric although he already suspected what he was going to say. “You want us to go home?” He asked beating Eric to it.

“Lisa is going to be here and the medical staff here are brilliant. You and the guys should take the opportunity to go home and get some sleep because I know once Clay is discharged from hospital that you were all be taking shifts to stay with him, and even whilst he is in hospital.” Eric was direct knowing that they would all stick close.

Jason knew that Eric was right, that Lisa would take care of Clay, but he couldn’t help but feel like at least one of them should stay with the both of them. It must have been evident on his face because Eric sighed softly interrupting his thinking.

Eric did not want to voice his other reason for wanting the guys to go home but he could sense and see Jason’s reluctance. “I think the two of them could use some time together without all of you guys around.” He was well aware that nothing was going on between Clay and Lisa but he also was aware that the two would not necessarily talk about what they needed to if the others were around. “Just to give them both a sense of peace.”

Jason looked back over his shoulder to see that Clay was still fighting going to sleep and it made sense. He ran his hand down over his face as he admitted silently to himself that getting away from the hospital would do him some good. “Yeah, okay but you get to tell the guys.” Jason was quick to put that stipulation in as he really did not have the energy to deal with his brother’s separation anxiety that would surface in all of them.

Eric chuckled softly at Jason’s negotiations. “That’s fine, I will tell them.” He accepted readily unprepared but accepting of the battle he had just been tasked with. “Trent, Brock, outside with me.” He looked at the men before he looked back at Jason knowing he would stay with Clay until Lisa got back, and then Mandy would have him out of the room.

**_Instinct And Gentleman Don’t Always Go Together Well_ **

Lisa had to admit that she felt a lot better for a steaming hot shower, and it felt even better to be in her own clothes as Mandy had picked out her comfiest pair of tights and an oversized sweater for her to wear but she knew the thing that had eased some of the weight that she had felt was the fact that Clay had woken up. She stepped out of the bathroom with the small bag held by its strap over her shoulder as she ran her hands through her damp hair that she had done her best to dry but it didn’t matter as she was not going far.

“Feel better?” Mandy asked softly as she stood up from the chair she had been resting in as she had waited and took a look at Lisa seeing she was still a little paler than usual and she had dark circles under her eyes but given what she and Clay had been through less than twenty four hours ago she figured it was understandable.

“Yeah, thank you.” Lisa barely withheld the yawn that was threatening to escape her lips.

Mandy smiled and shook her head. “Come on, let’s get you back to Clay’s room.” Lisa looked ready to curl up and nap but Mandy knew she wouldn’t.

Lisa smiled softly as she and Mandy made their way through the halls from the bathroom that the nursing staff had let Lisa use back to the room that was Clay’s for the night.

“You know if you want to talk about what happened, or even if you don’t but want to indulge in a night at the range with pizza and wine, then just let me know.” Mandy offered breaking the comfortable silence that had fallen over them.

Lisa smiled as she looked at Mandy. “I might take you up on that sometime soon.” Somehow nights spent shooting targets before going to one of their apartments after stopping to pick up a pizza to share and a bottle of wine had become a semi regular thing when their schedules permitted.

“Good.” Mandy smiled just as they rounded the final corner that took them into the corridor that Clay’s room was off seeing that Eric was leant up against the wall beside the door.

Eric smiled as he heard the women and it was good to see that Lisa looked a little bit more relaxed and definitely a lot fresher before he pushed himself off of the wall and stood to his full height.

Lisa felt her shoulders relax as Eric smiled at her and Mandy as they stopped as they reached him. “Everything okay?” She asked cautiously.

“Everything’s fine. I have sent all of the guys home for the night as long as you want to stay otherwise Jason will as he is still here sitting with Clay who is fighting going to sleep, and the painkillers the nurse just administered for the night.” Eric told them already knowing Lisa’s answer.

“I am good to stay with Clay.” Lisa’s response was immediate.

“Go on.” Eric nodded his head towards the door excusing Lisa before he looked at Mandy. “You mind driving Jason home?” Mandy had ridden with Eric but he suspected that Jason needed someone to and she was that person.

“I’ve got him.” Mandy kept it simple as she wanted to make sure Jason was okay because she knew he was rattled just as he always was whenever one of his men was injured whether it was on or off duty. “How are you doing Eric?”

Eric knew what Mandy was really asking but right now he did not have much of an answer. “I’m tired Mandy.” It was all he had as he had not been home either as he had been bouncing back and forth between the hospital, the local police station and base since he had received the phone call from Lisa in the early hours of the morning.

Mandy nodded understanding what he was saying and what he wasn’t as she leaned back against the wall beside him. “Why don’t you go, go home and get some sleep? I’ll wait for Jason and make sure he gets home.” There was no point in both of them waiting when only one of them was taking Jason home.

Eric hesitated but ultimately agreed as he would be meeting Bravo at the base hospital for when Clay arrived barring any unforeseen complications which would be early in the morning, and he had been up for several hours leaving him exhausted. “Alright but if he’s not out in ten minutes then you drag him out.” Sometimes Jason needed to be taken care of rather than taking care of everyone else although he did not seem to recognise that.

Mandy laughed softly despite Eric’s sternness. “I will, now go home.” She answered with ease. Eric seemed satisfied as he gave her a nod then began heading down the hall.

**_Instinct And Gentleman Don’t Always Go Together Well_ **

Jason looked up as Lisa stepped quietly back into the softly lit room before he looked at Clay who was still fighting against his exhaustion as every time his eyelids finally closed he forced them back open and looked around his small hospital room. Jason had even laid out a second blanket over top of the first hoping that a bit more warmth and a bit more weight would help him go to sleep but it hadn’t worked.

Lisa stepped up to the side of the bed once she had sat the bag of her belongings down on one of the chairs noting that Jason had moved to the side that she was on so she had been forced to take his side. She smiled softly as she reached out and placed her hand on the top of Clay’s head seeing those blue eyes of his tracking her movements as he kept forcing his eyelids to open every time they closed. “Why are you fighting going to sleep blue eyes?” She asked softly although she knew she would not get an answer from him.

Jason smiled softly as he realised that Clay relaxed even more the moment that Lisa had stepped into the room although the injectable pain killer had helped with it too. “You okay with him for the night? Otherwise I can stay.” He pitched his voice soft as he stood up but made no effort to actually step away.

“We will be fine Jason. Mandy is waiting to take you home.” Lisa did not lift her eyes from where they were focused on Clay who reminded her of how RJ fought going to sleep although the difference between the two was that Clay was a hell of a lot more stubborn than RJ was when it came to giving into their own exhaustion.

“Okay. I have my phone on me.” Jason hesitated to leave but he knew that Eric was right, that they needed a good night’s sleep, and he suspected that Mandy would drag him out if he did not leave on his own volition.

“I know. Go. Don’t keep Mandy waiting especially not in a place full of injectable fast acting sedatives.” Lisa teased Jason with ease although she was sure that Mandy would be able to convince one of the nurses to tranquilise Jason if she wanted it done.

Jason shivered involuntarily as he was pretty sure that Mandy would not even need a nurse to do it. “Alright, alright. Get some sleep and I will see you in the morning sunshine.” Jason watched as Clay gave him a soft nod before he finally forced himself to step out of the room.

It was getting harder and harder for Clay to keep forcing his eyelids to rise despite how determined they seemed to want to stay closed, and the lull of the warmth of the pile of blankets that he was under was also not helping him to stay awake nor was the pain medication that was coursing through his bloodstream. He waited until Jason had left the room before he shifted his hand towards Lisa whilst still being careful of the cannula in his hand and the mass of intravenous tubing that was attached to it, and somehow managed to move himself right over to the edge of the bed so that he was only about an inch from the railing that Trent had insisted be put up on both sides of the hospital bed. “Come here.” He rasped wanting Lisa to rest beside him instead of spending the night in the uncomfortable looking plastic chair.

“Clay.” Lisa kept her voice soft as she swept her thumb delicately across his forehead. “I can’t, I don’t want to hurt you.” She smiled softly.

“You won’t.” Clay pouted his lips. “Please.”

Lisa shook her head as her willpower waned by the second. “You need to rest.” She tried to reason with him but she knew how stubborn he could be.

Clay sighed tiredly not wanting to argue with her and although he understood her reasoning he was not going to accept it. “So do you, so tuck yourself into my side and lets rest together.” His voice was only growing raspier but he was going to keep going until she was where he wanted her to be. “No point spending the night in a horrible plastic chair when there is a perfectly mediocre bed to be shared with me.” It wasn’t like they had not shared a bed or slept together on a couch before.

“Perfectly mediocre bed, huh? You make a hell of an offer Clay Spenser.” Lisa teased feeling as the rest of the stress melted away from her because of course he was trying to sell her on lying down with him while also telling her that the mattress was not top quality. Clay sobered after a few seconds and it made the panic that had just melted away from Lisa rise and swirl. “Clay?” She questioned unable to keep the worry out of her voice.

Clay blinked heavily before he realised he had inadvertently panicked Lisa. “Lis, please, I need… I hate being stuck here, need some help feeling grounded.” He had never had a problem with being admitted to hospitals before Manila but ever since he always found himself bordering dangerously on the edge of panic as he always feared what the doctors would say. “Please Lis.”

“Okay, okay, I am here, not going anywhere Clay, but you have to tell me if you need me to move or if you are in pain.” Lisa knew that Clay felt vulnerable when he was ill or injured but she was not going to harm him and cause that vulnerability to increase.

Wordlessly Lisa kicked off the sneakers that Mandy had bought for her leaving her in light blue socks that had cream coloured polka dots all over them as Clay pushed the blankets down wanting her underneath them and next to him before she very gently eased herself down into the bed and let him cover the both of them up with the bedding.

“You okay?” Lisa asked as she laid on her side giving him as much space as she could as Clay slipped his arm under her neck and wrapped it down around her back although he was cautious not to tug on the cannula that was in it holding her against him. She rested her head down on his shoulder and placed her hand over his ribs on the right side that she was lying on.

Clay turned his head and placed a delicate kiss on Lisa’s forehead as he finally relaxed enough to let his eyelids close and stay that way. “I’m better now. I love you Lis.” He murmured softly as the reality sunk in on what he could have left behind if he had not gotten as lucky as he had.

“I love you Clay.” Lisa did not hesitate to say it back to him as she felt his breathing even out against her as she let her own eyelids close as she relaxed against him thankful that he was still alive, here with her, holding her.

And if any of the medical staff noticed the two of them sleeping together then no one mentioned it or woke Lisa up to force her back down into the chair. But someone had the diligence to capture the moment with one of the old polaroid camera’s that sat largely unused at the nurse’s station, and left the polaroid on top of Lisa’s bag having the feeling it would be treasured for years to come.


	6. One Strange Role Reversal

**_ One Strange Role Reversal _ **

Sonny sighed exasperatedly and looked at Ray who looked far more amused than he should have been considering they were both standing out in the frigid cold freezing their asses off watching a very drunk game of tag being played in the back lot of the bar by an equally drunk Clay and Lisa. The two had decided to have a boozy lunch that seemed to involve very little food and a hell of a lot of tequila at their usual bar when at home, and somehow they had spent the rest of the day drinking then continued to drink when the rest of the team arrived to join them having received some rather interesting text messages from the drunken pair.

“How the hell are they still standing, let alone awake?” Sonny groused even though he could not help smile at the two acting carefree and very much like children.

Ray had failed to hide his smirk and it only grew at Sonny’s question. “I don’t know but I am damn glad we will be able to get a copy of the security footage of this.” He made an outlandish gesture of pointing towards the security camera that was aimed directly at Clay and Lisa.

Lisa stopped abruptly and spun around as her smile grew wider. “Clay! I just had an idea.” The bold exclamation was enough to make Sonny groan and pinch the bridge of his nose while Ray snickered beside him.

“What is it?” Clay asked looking slightly more confused than a puppy that was being surrendered to an animal shelter as he stopped in front of Lisa looking slightly more unsteady on his feet than he had moments before.

“We… we need another… another drink.” Lisa’s bright idea was drinking more as she slurred and giggled.

“You are a beautiful genius Lis.” Clay slurred even as he pulled her into arms hugging her tightly.

Sonny shook his head. “Just what they need is another drink.”

Ray was not helping at all as he tried not to laugh as he watched Clay and Lisa skip, yes skip, past him and Sonny. He was definitely getting the security footage. “Come on brother, at least they are going back inside, and we should take the chance to get some water into the both of them cause they are going to be worse for wear tomorrow.” Ray slapped Sonny’s shoulder before he began heading back to the bar. “And I’ve got some negotiating to do for a copy of that tape.” He threw over his shoulder as he ignored Sonny’s muttering as the man finally moved.

Jason looked up at the familiar sound of Lisa giggling which she only did when she was very drunk to see that her and Clay were stumbling over towards the bar somehow managing to hold each other up as they did. “How long have they been here?” Jason asked looking around the table that contained Mandy, Full Metal, Brock and Trent before he looked back just in time to see Ray step back inside then Sonny.

Mandy tutted even though she was smiling as she gently poked Jason in his ribs making him flinch as he turned his attention to her. “Leave them alone Jason. They both could do with some fun and it is called leave for a reason.” Lisa and Clay weren’t the only ones who had a bit to drink although Mandy was only borderline tipsy unlike those two.

Jason smiled at Mandy as she was kind of adorable when she was tipsy although he was smart enough not to say that to her when she was sober as he was sure she would give him a look that would promise retribution before he turned his attention back to Clay and Lisa at the bar seeing that Clay was standing behind Lisa with his arms wrapped across her shoulders as she leaned back into him but what was more pleasing was that they were both drinking large glasses of water.

Brock did not bother to hide his amusement at seeing Mandy make Jason flinch or the way she told him off but he thought it was best to supply the answer to Jason’s original question. “They decided to have a boozy lunch and kept drinking afterwards. Neither of them drove, I already checked.” Brock had figured out when he arrived at the bar that the messages he had received from the pair were not as much of an invite but rather a quest to see who would give them a ride back to one of their apartments but he did not mind as it was good to see the two of them having some fun and letting their guards down a bit.

Sonny sat himself down at the table shaking off his jacket just in time to catch the last part of what Brock had been saying. “I will take the terrible two home, drop them off at Lisa’s cause at least her fridge will be stocked.” Sonny volunteered knowing he had his truck which would work.

“You been drinking?” Trent asked Sonny immediately as drink driving was not happening but he had not seen Sonny drink any beer or spirits since he had joined them.

“Nah, kind of figured those two had had enough for all of us when I arrived. And someone needs to make sure they get home without one of them ending up in the hospital.” Sonny waved his hand absentmindedly in the loose direction of the pair. Sonny had been slightly more protective since Clay had ended up stabbed and in the hospital when he and Lisa had been on the way to get ice cream after dinner and drinks although no one blamed him as they all felt the same way. The shock of that night still had repercussions that reverberated for Sonny.

“Got it.” Ray called out from across the bar as he managed to hold the disc up in his hand and wave it while he kept a hand on Clay’s back pushing him and Lisa forward over to the table.

“Got what?” Jason asked as Ray pushed Clay into the nearest chair and somehow Lisa ended up sitting in his lap. It was clear that Clay was an affectionate drunk but it just made them smile as it wasn’t often that he was not subtle.

Ray just smirked and shook his head. “We will have to have a team movie night soon.” He grinned and watched as amusement reined across those that were sober enough to work it out.

“Team movie night?” Lisa perked up at those words as she tried to escape Clay’s clutches but he just tightened his arms and pulled her closer making her laugh and wiggle relentlessly against him without trying all that hard to fight the hold he had on her. “I vote we watch Finding Nemo.” She managed to raise her hand to vote.

“Aww, I love that movie.” Clay cooed as he somehow managed to hold Lisa tight to his chest and rest his head on her shoulder while looking at her.

“Of course you do.” Sonny smiled fondly at the pair just as Lisa gasped.

“We should watch it!” Lisa said it as though it was the best idea ever. “Now!” She added on excitedly.

“It’s time for the two of you to go with Sonny so he can take you home to sleep.” Jason decided to interrupt before the two drunkards decided that Finding Nemo had to be watched and became set on it because he was sure if they couldn’t then there would be some extensive pouting and puppy eyes, he just was not exactly sure from who first.

Lisa and Clay looked at each other and Sonny groaned loudly as he caught the mischievous look that the two shared. “Nope, don’t even think about it either of you.” He knew that look and he knew it never led to anything good even if he did not know exactly what they were thinking.

“Aww but Sonnyyyyy…” Clay actually pouted and Lisa mirrored him as they both looked at him wide eyed.

“Good luck with that.” Brock laughed as Cerb covered his own eyes with his paws from where he was curled up in his lap. He certainly did not envy Sonny having to deal with a extremely drunk Clay and Lisa.

Lisa leaned forward as Clay’s hold had loosened just enough to do so although his arms were still wrapped around her. “Come on Sonny, please, we need ice cream to watch Finding Nemo.” The slur was noticeable although Lisa did not seem too.

“Nope, no ice cream for either of you.” Sonny pulled the toothpick out of his mouth and waggled it at them as he was not wrangling them in the ice cream parlour given the game of drunken tag that he had just spent the last twenty minutes supervising. The equal looks of betrayal sent Sonny’s way from the both of them would have been comical if not for the fact that they made Sonny feel like he was being the meanest person in the world right now.

Jason felt as Mandy once again poked him in his ribs pulling his attention back to her and he could see the amusement on her face as she was smiling broadly and there was a twinkle in her eyes. “Yes?” He arched an eyebrow as he looked at her even though it was amusing to watch Sonny be the responsible one.

“Sonny should just get them the damned ice cream.” Mandy lowered her voice as she rested her chin against his shoulder as if she was sharing a secret with him.

Jason laughed knowing she was probably right but he was not going to share that with her. “Let Sonny deal with them.” He shrugged his shoulder, the one that she was not resting on.

Clay pulled Lisa back to him as he continued to glare and pout at Sonny. “Mean Sonny, mean.” He said before he childishly poked his tongue out at him.

Lisa leaned back against Clay suddenly feeling all of the alcohol that they had drunk start to take its affect although she still smiled at Clay poking his tongue out at Sonny while her hands found their way to Clay’s. She somehow managed to turn her face into his neck and settle herself against him.

Clay may have been drunk but he was still in tune with Lisa and he noticed the change in her immediately. “Lis, you ready to go home?” He slurred as he moved just enough so that she would be more comfortable without shifting her to much.

“Yeah.” Lisa answered not even bothering to lift her face away from Clay’s neck as she clutched his hand tighter in hers.

Clay smiled softly as he nodded his head knowing it was time to call it a night. “Let’s go home then.” He did not care where they ended up whether it was his or her apartment but as long as they went home was all that mattered. And home was where she and his team were.

There were several glances shared across the table, some stunned and some content, at the way Lisa settled and Clay immediately sobered (at least as much as he could considering all he had drunk) as he adapted to her. There were moments that they got glimpses at the relationship between Clay and Lisa when the walls had fallen and the view left unimpeded, and it still managed to surprise them but it was also nice to see.

Sonny leaned forward and caught Clay’s eyes. “Alright Bam Bam, let’s get you and Davis home.” The fond exasperation did not go amiss nor did the way he slanted his voice soft. It had amazed him at the way the two bonded, and it was always a pleasure to watch the two together especially when they weren’t aware. The implicit trust that Lisa had in Clay was almost entirely unmatched and while jealously had reined at first, he was now glad that the implicit trust was shared between the two.

Clay nodded with ease. “You going to walk or am I carrying you Lis?” He asked softly.

“Spense, last thing we need is either of you ending up making Trent pull out his medical kit or a trip to the emergency room.” Brock spoke softly as he doubted Clay was that steady on his feet all of a sudden as he certainly had not been earlier. But he also knew that Clay would if it was what Lisa wanted, they all did.

“And I’ve had just enough to still be able to assess and treat but that dainty touch that Sonny loves to claim I have might have left me.” Trent snickered knowing that Sonny complained that he did not have a dainty touch and the glare he got proved it making him smirk.

Lisa did not want to move but some part of her drunken brain recognised the validity of Brock’s statement although she was not sure how steady her own legs were either. “I’ll walk.” She managed to mumble as she began to shift.

Clay smiled and pushed himself up without letting go of Lisa so they were both standing. Yeah, maybe they were a bit more drunk then he realised as he could feel himself swaying along with Lisa. He felt as she managed to shift around enough so that she could tuck herself into his side with his arm wrapped securely around her.

“Say goodnight you two.” Sonny instructed much like a parent would a child as he placed his hand on Clay’s shoulder steadying him as he was swaying with Lisa’s weight against him.

“I’ll walk out with the lot of you.” Brock was ready to go and he figured that Sonny could use some help as it did not look like Clay and Lisa were going to make it out of the bar let alone across the parking lot to Sonny’s truck without some sort of fall. A quick click of his fingers had Cerb down off his lap and Brock pushed himself to his own feet.

There were a round of ‘nights’ shared before Sonny and Brock with Cerb followed out after a stumbling Clay and Lisa who were quietly subdued. It took more time than usual to cross the parking lot to where Sonny’s truck was parked but they got there without any major or minor incident – no scraps or scratches.

Brock smiled as he watched as Sonny held the passenger door open before Clay helped Lisa up into the truck before following in after her although it was a little more uncoordinated than the walk had been. “You got them brother?” Brock would follow behind if Sonny felt he needed help with them as he took in the look of fondness that Sonny had as he watched the two before he closed the door.

Sonny smiled before he shook his head. “No, I’ve got them. They will be asleep as soon as I get them back to Davis’.”

Clay smiled as he relaxed back against the door of Sonny’s truck watching and feeling as Lisa tucked herself up against him with her head rested on his shoulder and her face tucked into her neck, and he wrapped his arm around her holding her close as her hand moved down until it was rested against the scar that was left from the night out that had gone very wrong.

Sonny climbed into the truck taking a few seconds to situate himself against the steering wheel before he pulled out of the parking lot and spared a glance at the two before he returned his eyes to the road in front of him knowing that they would be alright as long as they had each other.


	7. Unwell In Confinement

**_ Unwell In Confinement _ **

Being confined to base was never fun or ideal but being confined to base when sick was a whole new level of hell, Lisa thought stubbornly as she leaned over at the desk until her head was rested down on her folded arms relieved that there was not a single piece of paperwork that she had left to finish as it was all done. It wasn’t even like she was really sick but the cold that she had despite it being the middle of summer was really kicking her. How the hell did she even get a cold in the middle of summer? She asked herself before the headache made her cringe and ended that round of thinking. She let out a soft groan as she brushed her cheek against the sleeve of her uniform as she contemplated whether she should move but decided against it as there was nowhere to go and the last thing she wanted was anyone else to get sick.

Clay had left the mess hall and the rest of the team including Eric and Mandy in search of Lisa knowing she was not feeling well and it wasn’t helped by the fact that the entire team was confined to base so it was not like she could be in the comfort of her home snuggled down in her own bed tucked under a mountain of blankets. He didn’t bother knocking as he slipped into her office that was about the same size as a prison cell although he kept that to himself as he closed the door behind him silently once he spotted her hunched over her desk.

“Lis.” Clay moved around the desk and knelt down at her side as his left hand went to her waist while his right hand went to her forehead feeling that the fever she had which while still relatively low still worried him before he moved his hand to the back of her neck and gently ran his fingers over the area hoping to comfort her.

“Clay.” Lisa forced her eyelids open, unsure of when she closed them, before she slammed them shut again as the fluorescent light hurt her eyes. “Oh god, I feel bad.” She moaned as she felt a lot worse now than when she had laid her head down.

Clay was concerned immediately because Lisa hardly even admitted that she was sick let alone felt bad. “When was the last time you took some Tylenol or Advil?” He kept his voice soft and low as he knew she had a headache just by looking at her.

Lisa groaned before she unfolded her arm and blindly managed to reach out and pull a tissue from the box she had managed to locate before she turned away from Clay to blow her runny nose. “Don’t have any in here.” She replied once she was finished blowing her nose and had dropped it into the wastebasket that was tucked under her desk in the corner.

Clay looked round at Lisa’s desk and frowned as he had not found what he was looking for which was a bottle of water or any drink. “Come on, up you get.” The decision was made in an instant, and he knew she would do the same for him, hell she already had. Without waiting for her to respond, Clay stood up then pulled her up to his feet and tucked her into his side knowing she would tuck herself into him trying to steal some of his warmth.

“Where are we going?” Lisa managed to ask even though Clay was already leading her out of her own office.

“Somewhere you can rest properly.” Clay answered with ease as he figured that she had not been sleeping although he was sure that if she had the energy that she would have argued that napping at her desk counted but it didn’t.

Lisa didn’t say anything instead she just let Clay lead her through the quiet corridors that housed DEVGRU because she knew he would not take her to the infirmary without her consent and for the fact that they were going in the opposite direction to the infirmary. She had her eyes closed as she trusted him but she opened them once they stopped and the familiar sound of a door being assessed as it beeped as it permitted them. “Clay.” She paused to rub her watering eyes as they entered Bravo’s room and stopped again outside his cage. “Not sure whether this is a good idea.”

Clay shook his head as he unlocked and opened the door to his cage where his hammock was already hung as they had all been bedding down in their cages despite a bunk room being made available to them. “You feel like shit Lis, and you haven’t slept. We are confined to base so you can’t be at home in your own bed. You would do this for me or any of us, hell you already have. You need to sleep Lis, and none of us are going to say anything.” Clay was adamant that it was what she needed, and that way he could watch her too.

Lisa nodded tiredly as she hated being sick and of course Clay knew her well enough to know she felt terrible even if she had not have told him, and that she had not slept.

Clay turned his body inward to support Lisa. “Just let me get you sorted Lis.” He waited for another nod from her before he gently reached between them and methodically unbuttoned her shirt because he knew she had a t-shirt underneath, and she could not have the blanket over her if she had to many layers on especially with the fever she had. Lisa tipped her head forward so it was rested against Clay’s chest as she was sure her head was trying to explode as he made quick work of pushing her shirt off of her shoulders although he managed to catch it and sling it over the end of the hammock. The next thing he did was reach down and pull the hair tie from her wrist before he gently gathered her hair up and tied it into a messy bun just in case her stomach decided to revolt against her later than at least that was covered. “You ready to lay down?” He could pull her boots off once she was in the hammock.

“Yeah.” Lisa’s voice was small and muffled against Clay’s chest.

Clay moved her with him with ease then gently swept her off her feet and lifted her into the hammock putting her down gently all without making it sway. He moved down to her feet and slipped her boots off then sat them on the floor. “Can’t go to sleep just yet Lis, want to get some Advil and Gatorade into you.” He told her as he shook out the blanket then laid it over her as she turned on her side so that she was facing him.

“I’m really tired Clay.” Lisa’s voice was sleepy sounding and sounded far younger than she was.

“I know you are.” Clay quickly dug through his bag finding the bottle of neon green Gatorade and packet of Advil that he made sure was always stocked before he turned back to Lisa. It didn’t matter that the Gatorade was not cold when it was a matter of hydration. “Here Lis, take these then I will let you sleep.” He held out two pills and the pop top bottle to her which she took without complaint swallowing the pills down in quick succession before she drank down a third of the bottle then she handed it back to him.

“I’ll be right here.” Clay made sure she was tucked in, in the same way that he liked to be tucked in when he was unwell with the blanket right up to her chin and under and around her feet.

“Love you Clay.” Lisa murmured as now that she was lying down the exhaustion was pulling her under.

Clay smiled as he settled down in the chair once he had grabbed his book from the shelf. “Love you Lis.” He could see that she was already on her way to dreamland, and for once he was glad she was not fighting it.

Clay waited almost ten minutes just watching as Lisa’s breathing evened out and she fell into a heavy sleep before he picked up his book from where he had rested it down on his lap and cracked it open to where he had left it, and even as he read he kept looking up and over at her making sure she was still asleep and showed no signs of distress.

**_Unwell In Confinement_ **

The sound of the door opening had Clay closing his book and setting it down on his lap as he looked up to see that the team were arriving back from lunch although they had taken their time as their afternoons were their own while confined which meant they were free to do what they wanted.

“There you are blondie. We thought you’d disappeared on us.” Sonny’s voice boomed through the room just as it always did when the Texan was trying to make a point or stir up trouble.

“Sonny, quiet!” Clay hissed sharply before he glanced back at Lisa relieved to see that she had not stirred even a bit yet somehow that worried him too.

The sharp words from Clay bought the guys to a standstill before Trent stepped forward as he caught the worried look that Clay had, and it was one he knew very well, they all did, as it was the one Clay had when one of them was sick or injured. Trent knew Clay had become better at handling those times but he still got that worried look that he could not shake. “What’s going on kiddo?” Trent stopped in the doorway of Clay’s cage before he followed Clay’s eyes and found Lisa curled in under a blanket in his hammock. Somehow Trent felt stupid for not figuring out where Clay had disappeared to earlier especially considering they all knew that Lisa was sick.

Clay swallowed even though a sense of relief went through him now that Trent was there and his use of kiddo always made him feel better. “Lis is sick.” It was a simple statement but the enormity of it was not lost on Trent because Clay did have that look, but at least the look did not look as profound as it did and it was almost as if it was something relatively minor.

“You want me to take a look at her?” Trent offered knowing it would not only make Clay feel better but it would make him too as he had been subtly keeping an eye on her since they had been ordered to stay on base although she had largely isolated herself.

Clay nodded softly before he shook his head seemingly changing his mind. “No. Just don’t wake her.” The words came out soft but the intensity of them could be heard.

Trent barely kept his surprise concealed as he would have bet that Clay would have jumped at the offer but he would have lost. “Okay. You need anything?” He asked as he exchanged a look with Jason.

“No, thanks.” Clay turned his attention back to Lisa but he left his book untouched as he had hardly been able to focus on it before everyone had filled the room.

The guys moved away as Trent seemed okay with leaving the two as they were but it did not mean that they all would not be stealing glances.

**_Unwell In Confinement_ **

Lisa groaned softly as the Advil and the sleep had done nothing to ease the headache or the general feeling of terribleness that she felt before she tried to pull the blanket over her head as the florescent lights overhead were making her eyes water.

Clay who had been watching with the same intensity as when he was readying himself to take a shot with his rifle over a long distance noticed the first signs that Lisa was waking and it was not the groan but rather the way she curled her feet beneath the blanket. He moved from the chair he had settled in and crouched down so that his face was level with Lisa’s just in time for her to force her eyelids open. “Hi there Lis.” It wasn’t hard to see that she still felt terrible as she was still pale yet her cheeks were flushed with a rosy pink but at least the dark circles underneath her eyes had lessened although he wished she had slept longer. He gently reached out and pushed the blanket down just enough to uncover her shoulders much to her chagrin, and he was sure she glared at him for a few seconds before she turned her face into his pillow. “How you feeling?”

“What’s the time?” Lisa asked, her voice a little croaky sounding, once she turned back to look at him.

Clay was not surprised that Lisa had avoided answering his question but he really did not need her to answer. “A little before 1730.” He could understand the awful feeling that came with being unsure of the time or at least disorientated. The sound of footsteps drawing closer pulled Clay’s attention away from Lisa towards the edge of his cage seeing Trent lingering as he stopped. Clay turned back to Lisa seeing that she had managed to tug the blanket back over her shoulders in the few seconds that he had been distracted. “It’s Trent Lis.” He reached out and palmed her forehead feeling that her fever was still there although it did not feel like it had increased or reduced.

Trent knew that it was Clay’s way of giving him approval to move closer so that it what he did although he hung back to give the two space. “Hey Davis.” Trent kept his voice soft seeing that she was cocooned in the hammock nor did she look like she had any attention of moving anytime soon.

Clay smiled softly at Lisa. “Going to let Trent have a look at you but we need to sit you up first Lis.” He kept his voice firm wanting Trent to look at her now that she was awake.

Lisa would have rolled her eyes but she knew it would only have made her headache worse, and she could see the underlying worry that was plaguing Clay just as it always did. “Yeah, okay.” She really did not want to move but she knew Trent needed her sitting up. “But it’s just a cold.” She asserted easily knowing that it was not anything else as Clay helped her up so that she was sitting in the centre of the hammock with her legs folded underneath her.

Trent snickered quietly even though he tended to agree with Lisa that she had a cold but it did not mean she was going to get out of being examined either. “Let me be the judge of that Davis but first drink this.” Trent held out the bottle of Gatorade that was cold which Clay took and uncapped before he handed it to her.

The cold liquid eased Lisa’s parched mouth and throat and quenched her thirst as she finished off the bottle quickly. “Really Trent, it’s a cold, a nasty one, but a cold.” She told him even as he grabbed her wrist and checked her pulse before he moved onto checking the glands in her neck.

Clay smiled even as he shook his head unsurprised at Lisa’s stubbornness. “Lis, just let Trent check you out. I will even say you are right when Trent confirms you have a nasty cold.” He teased although he would if it meant that Trent got to finish his examination.

Trent wasn’t surprised but he was not going to miss the opportunity either. “Woah Davis, I would not pass up on the offer to hear Clay say that you were right.” He sent a smirk Clay’s way as he continued to check her out. “Has the Advil that you had earlier made you feel any better?” He asked knowing that she could have another dose and would need it.

Lisa pulled her eyes away from Clay to look at Trent. “Hasn’t touched the headache I have.” She admitted softly although she did glance back at Clay to see his reaction but he remained worried but largely impassive otherwise.

Trent nodded thoughtfully suspecting the headache was worse because she was mildly dehydrated which was not uncommon given the low grade fever that she had, and it would be easily rectified by having her drink more and regularly. “I can give you another dose of Advil but a part of your headache can be attributed to the mild dehydration so we need to get you drinking more.”

Lisa pursed her lips for a few seconds. “Yeah, haven’t really had a whole lot to drink today.” She had not really left her office considering how bad she felt since she had holed up there in the early hours of the morning.

“I figured as much. Have you eaten anything today?” Trent made sure to keep his voice calm as he really was not surprised that Lisa had not been taking care of herself.

“No.” Lisa answered prompt and short as she really did not have the stomach for eating anything that came from the mess hall food line.

Clay stood up preparing to walk around Trent to go and get Lisa a couple more bottles of Gatorade and more importantly something to eat but was stopped by Trent. “I’ve already got the guys bringing some supplies back, and since we are ordering in tonight, I had a container of chicken and vegetable soup ordered which should be easy on your stomach, and some orange juice.” It was a liberty that Trent had taken but it was one that was appreciated as they were having food delivered to them on base after it had been mutually decided that they could not eat one more mess hall meal while the rest of them were eating lunch.

Lisa smiled grateful that Clay did not feel the need to worry about it although she knew he would fuss. “Thanks Trent.”

“Not a problem, and by the way you are right. You have a particularly nasty cold. The best thing we can do is make sure you get lots of rest, stay hydrated and eat, and keep you on Advil to help with the fever and headache that you have.” Trent knew it was simple enough but everyone would pitch in to make sure Lisa was taken care of. “Any idea of when we will be out of this confinement though?” He sneaked the question in making her smile.

“I still don’t even know why we are confined yet, Eric is working on that.” Lisa sniffled as she understood the frustration at being confined to base without having been given a reason despite having demanded one. “What I do know is that I need a shower, if I have time?” She stated then asked because she had to admit the thought of chicken and vegetable soup made her appetite appear but she felt sticky and in need of a hot shower too.

Trent nodded his head surprised that Lisa was asking for permission from him but then she barely looked like she would remain upright for longer than a few minutes as he stepped back to let Clay back in. “You have time to shower.”

Clay held his hands out to Lisa already guessing that she was going to be unsteady on her feet. “I’ll walk you to the bathroom then go and grab your stuff from your office.” There was no way she was making the trip from the team room to her office then to the bathroom and back to where they were without exhausting her even more than she already was.

“I am not even going to argue with you on that.” Lisa placed her hands in Clay’s letting him help her up and out of the hammock, and immediately her body did not like the change in position or altitude as she wavered.

Trent looked at the way Lisa was wavering and was glad she had made the call for her own health. “Keep the shower lukewarm Davis, and short.” It was likely that she would pass out if she made the water hot or stayed under it for longer than it took to do the necessities.

“I will.” Lisa let Clay led her out of his cage and the room.

**_Unwell In Confinement_ **

Bravo never did anything by halves especially when they were confined to base and had ordered in, Lisa thought as Clay settled her down in one of the fold out chairs before he gently spread a blanket out over her. She had to admit she felt far better for a shower even though she still felt terrible but it seemed like the Advil and the two bottles of Gatorade she had already had were beginning to make a difference as her head was not trying to kill her at least anymore.

“We have one order of soup, and one large orange juice for our favourite Ensign.” Jason smiled as he handed the soup with a spoon over to Lisa as he pulled it from the tray that it was contained in and put the orange juice in the cup holder of the chair.

“Thank you.” The smell of the soup was far more enticing than it should have been as Lisa popped the lid off of the carton as the rest of the guys sat round in a loose circle with her. It looked like the shower had helped to clear her blocked nose, and she only hoped that it lasted. “Where’s Eric?” She asked wondering if he was going to be joining them for dinner.

“Blackburn was just finishing up when I went to tell him dinner had arrived, shouldn’t be too long.” Ray answered dutifully knowing he would not mind if they started eating without him.

Sonny smiled at the way Lisa was tucked up as if he did not know better she had picked up a few habits off of Clay especially with the way she had the blanket draped over her legs and tucked in around her. “How are you feelin’ Davis?” He asked in between mouthfuls of his own beef and bacon burger.

“Advil has finally kicked in so I can’t complain to much.” Lisa said before she spooned the first mouthful of soup into her mouth which somehow tasted even better than it smelt.

“Well see there now I was thinkin’ about that.” Sonny waggled his finger towards her making her squint her eyes.

“Uh oh, Sonny’s been thinking. Didn’t we ban you from that after you thought it was a good idea to play kick the grenade against the wall so it bounced back at us?” Brock snickered although he was serious about Sonny having kicked the grenade and it bouncing back at them.

“Well now there mighty mouse, I was just giving you a practical lesson in dodging and diving that day.” Sonny grinned although it had not been intended and he knew how lucky they had gotten that mission especially considering there was nothing more than a few scratches and scraps on all of them.

“Oh, that’s what we are claiming that was now, is it?” Jason was quick to cut in with an amused smirk although he had been anything but amused at the time or for several hours afterwards.

Sonny had the good grace to look sheepish before he returned his attention to Davis. “Anyway, I reckon we could you whatever bug you have as leverage.” He announced as if it was the greatest idea ever.

“Have you been drinking?” Trent asked as he dropped his burger into the container that it had come in and turned his full attention to him.

“It’s a cold Sonny, no leverage to be had.” Clay was not in the mood for jokes as he shook his head at Sonny’s thinking.

“No, I haven’t been drinking!” Sonny looked highly offended at the question before he turned to Clay. “And the brass that are keeping us here penned in like animals don’t know it’s just a cold.”

“And what do you suggest then Sonny?” Lisa was going to play along with the conversation for a moment because she wanted to hear Sonny’s plan more for amusement and entertainment sake than anything else.

Sonny grinned like a cat that had gotten the canary, and a resounding series of groans went around the room. “Well you see now I suggest we front the brass, make a stink about being kept in confinement with a sick person.” He paused still looking proud of himself. “Or we tell them it’s the plague.” He shrugged his shoulders.

“No one is telling anyone that Lisa has the plague, nor will anyone be causing any problems with the Brass, Sonny.” Eric had stepped into the room unnoticed but he had to stop Sonny’s thoughts from spiralling.

“No one is going to do anything of the sort Eric but we would like to know the reason for our confinement.” Jason was quick to send a pointed glare Sonny’s way before he looked at Eric hoping that he had some sort of answer for them.

“We will be briefed at 0730 tomorrow.” Eric replied before he sat down in the last available chair and was handed his food from Ray which he thanked him for. He looked across at Lisa and was concerned. “Lisa, how are you feeling?”

“Well I don’t have the plague.” Lisa replied sending a pointed glare at Sonny for his stupidity. “I have a cold, that’s all.”

“Trent?” Eric asked not having touched his meal yet as he looked at him for more information than Lisa was providing to him.

“It is a cold. Clay got Lisa started on Advil and fluids which is being continued.” Trent had nothing to do with getting Lisa on the path to getting better, and Clay deserved the acknowledgement for it. “She’s already looking better.”

“Good.” Eric had been starving before he had been told about the briefing but now his appetite was gone. “We’re going to need to be sharp tomorrow, all of us.” There was a foreboding feeling that he could not shake, or pin down for that matter.

Lisa looked across at Eric and wondered what was going on but it was easy to see that he did not know what was happening either as he was not concealing it well or maybe it was just because she knew him so well. For the moment, they would sit and eat and talk.

Clay watched as Lisa finally finished the soup that she had been slowly eating her way through and put the container down. It was easy to see that she was exhausted and that the fever was still lingering even with the Advil and persistent fluids. “Lis, why don’t you grab some more sleep while you can?” He kept his voice soft and quiet as he leaned closer to her.

“I’m okay here for now.” Lisa replied tiredly but she was comfortable where she was.

“Okay.” Clay relented easy not willing to force her to move as he knew how hard it could be to get comfortable whilst being sick. He remained where he was as he had stayed close since he had found her in her office but fell into conversation with his brothers knowing for the moment that she was okay.


	8. I Just Want To Know Why, That’s All

**_ I Just Want To Know Why, That’s All _ **

Every year without fail Clay somehow managed to make it work even when they were so far from home, never forgetting and always finding some creative way to get her a bouquet of yellow roses even if they weren’t the real thing, and it was their secret. Sure the men and Mandy knew that she got a bouquet of yellow roses once a year but they never made mention of it, never made the connection and if they had they had never asked her about it.

Lisa thumbed the long stemmed yellow roses that were absolutely gorgeous before she bought them to her nose and inhaled the beautiful scent from them. Of course, Clay had managed to sneak them into her office on base because he knew the long hours that she had been working. She smiled softly as she let herself lean back against the edge of her desk taking a few moments for herself before she had to put everything aside to focus back on the task at hand although she wished more than anything that she could have the day to herself but then again she never felt like being on her own either.

“Morning Lisa.” Eric stood in the doorway as Lisa had not bothered to close the door surprised to see her with a wistful smile and holding a bunch of roses to her nose. A faint memory surfaced in Eric’s mind and he glanced at his watch to check the date before he realised that it had been a year since the last bouquet of yellow flowers had arrived for her, the difference being the last bouquet were made from a mix of yellow tissue paper and old yellowing newspaper that had been lovingly crafted while in the middle of deployment. Eric still had not managed to connect the dots together in regards to the date and the flowers turning up or who it was that was leaving the flowers nor had he tried to hard as there was always something pressing that swept it aside however he could not help but wonder.

Lisa looked up as she lowered the roses but remained holding them as she was not ready to put them down. “Morning Eric, everything okay?” She asked.

“Everything’s fine Lisa. The guys are here, assembling in the briefing room as we speak. Best thing we can do is brief them and let them make a plan while we wait for the green light.” Getting the green light was proving to be difficult even with Mandy pushing as hard as she was but the intel was solid and as far as Eric was concerned it was just a case of the Brass crossing their I’s and dotting their T’s before they did.

Lisa nodded softly as her thumb absentmindedly caressed one of the leaves. “I will be there in a few minutes with the files and the plans.” Everything was ready to go but she needed a few minutes to herself and she was going to take them. They had planned to brief the team so they could plan extensively while they waited for the green light so she had stayed late the night before to make sure their briefing packages were assembled with everything they had.

“Okay.” Eric relented although he wanted to say more but he decided not to. “I’ll see you in there.” With that he left heading to the briefing room.

Lisa looked back down at the roses in her hand knowing that she only had a few minutes so she pushed herself off of the desk then moved around her small office finding a jar then she filled it with water and put the roses in it as the last thing she wanted was for them to begin to wilt before she placed them down on her desk. She took a deep breath as she placed her hands flat on the edge of her desk before she tipped her head forward and closed her eyelids before one of her hands migrated from the desk to lay flat across her stomach with her fingertips clutching at the fabric of her shirt, well Clay’s shirt as she was wearing his light sky blue button down tucked into her skinny jeans. It had not been done with much thought when she had gotten dressed after her shower but she was glad that she had as it provided her a small amount of comfort just as it always did.

Lisa straightened herself up as she inhaled then exhaled deeply and forced her eyelids open as she braced herself. She took another minute before she pulled her hair back and tied it up then she picked up the briefing packs and the rolled up plans she had managed to get her hands on before she made her way out of her office, closing and locking the door behind her, and headed towards the briefing room.

**_I Just Want To Know Why, That’s All_ **

Clay was leaned back in his chair slowly swaying from side to side as he kept his eyes firmly on the door. He hadn’t seen Lisa yet but he knew what the day was and he wished he had been able to see her before but at least he had managed to get the flowers into her office without being caught. But Clay wasn’t naïve enough to think that Lisa did not know it was him however it was not something they spoke about directly.

“You coming to the bar tonight blondie?” Sonny reached out and punched Clay lightly trying to draw his attention away from the door.

Clay looked around the table and it was obvious that he had missed the conversation that had been going on around him before his eyes returned to the door once more. “Nah, not tonight.” He answered without much thought.

“What? Have you got a date kid?” Jason teased although he would not be surprised. “Someone that we haven’t met yet?”

Clay frowned as he wondered how Jason had reached that conclusion. “No.” Sure, he kept his calendar clear on this date when he was home as much as he could, but he did not need to point that out to his brothers.

“Come on Spenser, the more you say no, the more we are going to dig.” Ray smirked joining in.

Sonny raised his eyebrow and stopped chewing on his toothpick as he swung himself around in his chair to look at Clay who had been late and quieter than he usually was. He reached up and plucked the toothpick out of his mouth before he leaned over and sniffed Clay, startling him.

“What are you doing?” Clay glared at Sonny as he slid away from him knowing him startling was going to raise a red flag with his brothers.

“Just checking.” Sonny eyed him wearily as he shoved his toothpick back into his mouth.

“Checking what? I don’t want to go to the bar and you all suddenly think I need to be interrogated?” Clay knew he was overreacting and he regretted the words the moment they came out of his mouth.

Eric stepped into the room and stopped at the tense atmosphere although it was not a usual sight to see as everyone with the exception of Clay looked bewildered while Clay looked angry but there was also a brief look of disappointment that crossed his face. “Everything alright here gentlemen?” Eric asked as he moved to the head of the table as the last thing that he needed was an issue among the men of Bravo.

Jason looked at Eric, the bewilderment and surprise still evident on his face, before he looked around seeing that Mandy and Lisa had yet to join them. “It’s fine. Are Mandy and Lisa joining us for this briefing?” He hoped that Eric would not call him out on changing the topic.

“Mandy and Lisa are on their way.” Eric answered as he let his eyes roam around the table knowing Jason had deflected but not the reason although given the glances that were being thrown Clay’s way he was going to assume it had to do with him. Clay muttered something under his breath as he pushed away from the table and made his way over to the kitchenette to get himself a coffee leaving Eric to pin Jason with a look that told him things better get sorted.

Clay knew he was on edge and now things were going to be worse with his brothers throwing questioning glances his way every few seconds. He was worried, always was, when the date came up on him, and yet without fail he always did the same things – got a bouquet of yellow roses or something with a yellow rose, made sure his schedule was clear if he was at home or if he was deployed then he made whatever time he could, and he always made sure to stay a little closer to Lisa if he could. The day was never easy on her and while he would never admit it but it was hard on him also which is why he did those small things for her because they helped him too.

Clay swivelled his head as the door opened distracting him from the coffee he was about to pour for himself but diverted his attention when he saw it was Mandy back to the coffee although he probably did not need anything else given how on edge he already felt. At the last moment, Clay grabbed a tea bag, draped the little tag over the edge of the cup then poured the hot water over it leaving it to brew as he pushed himself away from the countertop using his hands that were wrapped around the edge before he dropped his head and closed his eyelids as he took a few deep breaths.

Brock did not bother to hide the fact that he was watching Clay religiously, like a falcon would watch its prey, although he had been subtle earlier given how Clay had arrived late and how oddly quiet he had been. There was something troubling their youngest brother but Brock’s worry really cemented when he startled then snapped at them but what was more concerning was the way he kept watching the door. Brock looked down at Cerb seeing him sitting beside him with a tennis ball in his mouth. “Cerb, go see Spense.” Brock whispered, and he hardly had the last word out but Cerb was already darting across the room.

Clay’s frown deepened but he forced his eyelids open at the sound of Cerb’s tennis ball being dropped and bouncing at his feet as the last thing he needed was to be knocked over by a Belgian Malinois chasing after his ball but it quickly became apparent that it was Cerb who had dropped the ball at his feet. “Hi there Cerb.” He whispered as he reached down to get the ball but Cerb moved quicker placing his head over top of the ball and under his hand. He smiled softly knowing Cerb played a part of that night as he had ended up providing Lisa with a lot of comfort and as quickly as the memory appeared it was pushed away just as Cerb nuzzled closer.

Clay stood up much to Cerb’s annoyance if the whine was anything to go by but his attention was pulled as the door beeped permitting access. Clay picked up the tea that he had made and began moving just as Lisa made her way through the door with her arms full with Cerb keeping pace at his side with his ball in his mouth. Lisa smiled softly but it didn’t hide the sadness that lingered in her eyes, not from Clay because he knew what he was looking for. “You lead.” His voice was so low that no one else could hear him as he let his fingers graze across her back over top of his shirt as she moved towards the head of the table to put the heavy pile of files down.

Lisa felt the wave of calmness wash over her just by those two simple words from Clay as she reached the top of the table and put all of the files down. She took the rolled up plans off of the top and set them aside before she began handing out the briefing packets that were a lot thicker than they usually were. She took two, one for herself even though she knew the material, and the other was for Clay who had sat himself on the edge of the desk behind Jason. Clay took the file from Lisa just as she took the tea from him before she sat down next to him as he shifted over to give her some more space as Cerb settled at their feet.

Brock was watching closely even as he looked through the briefing package and just like everyone else he had not missed the fact that Lisa was wearing one of Clay’s shirts despite styling it as her own but what was more interesting to him was the way that Clay had calmed considerably from just having seen her. Whatever it was that was going on with their little brother clearly related directly to Lisa but what that was Brock did not know however he also had the decency not to pry either unlike some of his other brothers.

“Alright, I know there is a lot of information in those files which is why we are going to go over it.” Eric had everyone’s attention before he looked to Mandy and stepped aside letting her start the briefing.

**_I Just Want To Know Why, That’s All_ **

The briefing and planning had taken the remainder of the morning and went well into the afternoon yet they still did not have the green light to get on the plane and execute what they needed too. Clay rolled his neck from side to side then his shoulders as they had finally been dismissed from the briefing but ordered to remain on base.

Lisa looked over at Clay, partly relieved that he had remained in the briefing room and slightly confused as to why he had not gone with the rest of the team to get lunch from the mess hall, but she also understood. “You want to grab some food and go find somewhere to sit outside? We could probably both do with a bit of fresh air.” Lisa offered even though she was not hungry she was going to take the opportunity to grab something, and it would be nice to be away from almost everyone for a bit.

Clay smiled softly as he pushed himself up from off of the desk that he had perched himself on once more. “Yeah, that sounds good Lis.” It did sound good as it meant he could reassure himself that she was doing okay behind the façade that she was well adept at keeping up and sheltering behind. “Might even throw the ball for Cerb.” Cerb’s ears perked up at Clay’s words and it made them both smile as they shared a look across the table from each other.

“Cerb’s staying close today.” Lisa stated without prejudice knowing that he was not just staying close to Clay but to her as well as he had spent the entire briefing between the two of them, and if they split apart there was an apprehension about who to go with. Brock did not even bat an eyelid at Cerb’s refusal to go with him instead he smiled and went on his way knowing that they had him.

“Yeah, he is.” Clay leaned down to nuzzle Cerb’s head for a few seconds before he stood back up. “Come on, I think I know a good spot for all of us.” He moved around the room to meet Lisa with Cerb stuck to his side.

The two with Cerb left the briefing room, grabbed a sandwich and a drink each from one of the smaller mess halls on base then made their way outside until they reached the spot that Clay had decided on for them.

The two sat down side by side on the ground up against the disused building that had been scheduled for demolition years ago yet it remained standing and was used on occasion when space was at its peak, and Cerb managed to lay down in between Lisa’s legs with his head and front paws draped over Clay’s legs before he deposited the tennis ball down in front of him disinterested. A comfortable silence settled over them as they began to eat as being together was enough for the moment.

“You okay?” Lisa asked unobtrusively once she had finished her sandwich which was a struggle as she let her head rest down on Clay’s shoulder.

Clay reached his hand out and gently placed it on Lisa’s knee giving it a small squeeze. “Yeah.” It was the only answer he could give, and he knew she would see through it but today was one of those days where she would let it slide just like he would. “You?”

“Yeah.” Lisa stole Clay’s answer but it was fitting as it still got to her, still made her an emotional mess when it was just her and him, or by herself.

Clay understood perfectly well and he was aware that they were still on base. “Depending on this whole green light that we are waiting for… well what do you say to us getting some takeout and having a movie night at yours or we could go for a drive or anything else, if we get to go home?” It had become a regular thing for them to spend the night together mourning Lisa’s loss without actually mourning it instead they acknowledged it in their own way.

Lisa smiled reflectively as somehow it had become another important thing about the anniversaries of her miscarriage just like the yellow roses. “That sounds like exactly what we need.”

“Good.” Clay answered softly unsurprised by her answer.

Lisa waited a few minutes or rather used the time to try and figure out how best to say what it was that she wanted to say. It wasn’t that she did not know how, it was more that she did not want to put Clay in an uncomfortable position. “Clay?” Lisa’s voice was barely above a whisper and she earned a small short hum in response to spur her on. “Thank you.”

“Never have to thank me Lis.” Clay’s response was automatic as it had been said many times between the two but they both still meant it each and every single time.

“Every year you remember, every year you manage to get me yellow roses even if we are in the middle of a warzone. You know I still have that beautiful paper bouquet and I press and dry one rose every year to keep. Every year and you never say anything unless I speak about it. You will never understand how much what you do means to me.” Lisa felt as Clay’s breath hitched and his body tensed before he relaxed back against her.

Clay was caught off guard by Lisa bringing up the fact that he made sure he got yellow roses every anniversary, as he had kind of figured that seeing as she had not spoken about it the first year then it would continue to be one of those things that they did not speak about but apparently not. It was also nice to hear what they meant to her even if she did not use the words but he could hear the emotion in her voice. Truthfully Clay was a little unsure of what to say. “Do you know what the colour yellow means for roses?” He had to clear his throat before he spoke but his voice was light and his tone was soft.

Lisa was taken back by the question that Clay had posed to her but she knew that there was a reason he had asked it. “No, no, I don’t.” She didn’t usually get flowers, and they weren’t something that overly interested her unless it was the ones that Clay got her so she had not looked into the meaning behind the specific colour of rose that he had chosen.

Clay considered his next words carefully. “Maybe you should sometime.” It was simple; it was a suggestion although he held no malice towards her if she decided not to. It would not stop him from getting her the flowers or an alternative depending on where they were in the world each and every year.

Lisa placed her hand over top of Clay’s that was still resting on her knee smiling as he turned his hand over and entwined their fingers together. For the moment, she would make a mental note and file it away, and stay where she was as his presence helped keep the forecasted storm away.

**_I Just Want To Know Why, That’s All_ **

There was nothing they could do with the Brass holding back the green light as they wanted an independent risk assessment so Eric had rescinded his orders for everyone to stay on base effectively dismissing them for the evening although it had been reiterated that they were to stay available but that was a part of the job anyway.

Clay walked into the team room and headed straight for his cage ready to go home as he already knew what the guys were doing. Clay had said barely anything all day only contributing when he needed too. He stepped into his cage and grabbed his bag before he stuffed a few items in it as he needed to take some pieces of clothing home and get them laundered as he had been meaning too.

Brock watched Clay seeing his brothers all sparing glances as they packed their bags up to leave as they were headed to the bar for a few drinks but what was more concerning was that Cerb had not come back with Clay. Brock paused for a few seconds before he made his way over to Clay’s cage leaning against the door of it. “Hey brother, where’s Cerb?” He asked softly although he knew everyone was watching the interaction but he did not look away from Clay but he was not concerned as he knew Clay would not have left without Cerb unless there was a reason to do so and even then he would be hard pressed to do so.

Clay barely glanced up as he sorted out his things as quickly as possible as he had Chinese food to pick up on the way home before Lisa joined him for their standard night of eating takeout and watching either re-runs of old television shows or terrible movies that they could poke fun at for inaccuracies. “Cerb’s with Lis.”

Brock did spare a glance over his shoulder at the monotone voice and the short answer before he stepped back as Clay slung his bag over his shoulder preparing to leave.

Sonny stepped out of his cage letting the door slam shut heavily behind him as he fixed his hat. “So you just left Cerb? And now Brock has to go get him.” There was a hint of accusation in Sonny’s tone that set everyone on edge and had them holding their positions nervously although they were ready to jump into the fray if needed.

Clay was tired and he did not have the energy to deal with a begrudging Texan. He knew he should apologise for the way he snapped before the briefing but the accusatory tone was pissing him off.

Brock could see the frustration and tiredness, and more importantly the edge that Clay had had earlier return. “It’s okay, I will grab Cerb on my way out from Lisa. I just needed to know where he is.” Brock tried to smooth things over but he knew Sonny well enough to know that he would not even though there was nothing to pick a fight over. However Brock was also smart enough to realise that Sonny was channelling his concern for Clay into picking an argument with him over something that he really had no right to be bothered about.

Clay’s shoulders hunched inward seemingly deflating in front of them as the weariness was beginning to show. “I’ll go get Cerb and bring him back here.”

“Spense…” Brock didn’t get to say anymore as Clay was already out the door but he did turn around to glare at Sonny. It was obvious to Brock that there was no point in trying to talk any sense into Sonny. He shook his head, darted across to his own cage, grabbed his bag then went to catch up with Clay.

It took Brock far longer than it should have to catch up to Clay who had set a fast pace. “Spense, woah, just hold up a second.” Brock managed to get in front of Clay and make him stop. “I am fine that Cerb is with Lisa.” He began before he paused as he tried to figure the best way to continue without seeming to be prying. “Spense, I must admit that I know something is going on but I don’t know what, and I’m not asking to know unless you want to talk to me and you can talk to me.”

Clay tipped his head back so it was resting against the wall. “It’s fine, I have it handled, its just a bad day. I’m tired and I really can’t deal with Sonny right now.” He knew that Brock would leave it. There were so many things going on in his head. “I’m sorry that I didn’t ask about leaving Cerb with Lis, I shouldn’t have assumed that it was okay either.”

“It is okay.” Brock assured Clay knowing that the self-doubt that Clay kept very well-hidden cloaked under layers had bubbled to the surface. “You and Lis love Cerb, and I know he is spoilt by the both of you. Plus if you haven’t noticed, he can be just as stubborn as the both of you, and he wanted to spend the day with the two of you. I have absolutely no problem with that.” Brock truly did not have a problem with Cerb wanting to be with the pair especially considering how well they looked after him. “Now come on, let’s go get Cerb from Lisa so that you can head home and I can head to the bar.”

“Thanks Brock.” Clay pushed himself off of the wall grateful that he wasn’t being pressed for answers as he fell into step with Brock as they made their way to Lisa’s office.

Brock smiled and looked at Clay as they stopped just outside of Lisa’s office seeing that the door was open. What made Brock smile was that Lisa was sat on the floor with Cerb in her lap and peppering his face with kisses which he returned in multitude. But what caught Brock’s eyes were the long stemmed yellow roses that were on Lisa’s desk. It hadn’t been the first time that he had seen Lisa with a form of yellow roses, and it was always the day after his birthday; suddenly things made perfect sense as he connected the dots as he realised that Lisa only received the flowers after she had her miscarriage (or as far as he knew) although he would keep that piece of information to himself.

Clay smiled at the genuine smile he saw on Lisa’s face and although he hated to break up the kiss fest that her and Cerb were having he had too. “Lis, Brock is heading out.” Clay kept his voice soft as he stayed where he was.

Lisa looked up at both men then she clicked her fingers making Cerb get off of her before she pushed herself up and onto her feet although she did place one more kiss on his head between his ears. “I’m heading out myself.” She moved to pick up her bag and the bouquet of roses, smiling a bit wider as she caught the beautiful fragrance from the roses that were made all the more special now that she knew what the colour yellow meant as she had looked up the answer before she had sat on the floor with Cerb.

“Good, we will walk you out.” Clay already knew that Lisa was heading to his apartment but Brock did not need to know that.

The walk to the carpark and to their cars was short, and Lisa was relieved just as much as Clay was because they did not have pretend for to much longer instead they could spend the night away from prying eyes eating crappy takeout and watching crappier television. Brock with Cerb said their goodbyes before they got into Brock’s truck and headed for the bar.

“I’ll pick up the food and met you at mine.” Clay knew that Lisa had a key and that she would arrive first as he pulled her in for a quick hug.

Lisa smiled as she pulled back from Clay and he opened her door for her. “I’ll open the beers.” She said as she got into the car letting Clay close the door but she waited until he was in his own car before she pulled out of the parking lot.

Lisa stopped at the traffic lights, glancing in the rear view mirror to Clay behind her before she looked over at the roses that lay on the passenger seat beside her bag, and they were even more special to her now that she knew the deeper meaning behind them, and of course she was only more grateful for Clay and the way he cared. She knew now, and she was so glad that she did because even though she still felt her loss she also knew that she would be okay.


	9. Left Stranded

**_ Left Stranded _ **

There were many things that Lisa would have done differently, and only one thing that she would not have. Lisa felt incredibly stupid as she knew better than to get herself stranded but what was worse was being stranded in the middle of winter in only a short black dress and high heels that were not suitable to make the long walk back. She wrapped her arms around herself, rubbing her hands over her bare icy cold skin, as she sheltered in a narrow doorway trying to stay out of the bitter wind as she waited for Clay which had been the only thing she had done right as she had called him to pick her up.

Lisa was angry at herself for being pushed into a blind date but when Naima set something up it was not something that you argued about, in fact no one was willing to argue with Naima unless they were on a suicide mission. She should have known better than to let her date pick her up from Ray and Naima’s house, and she should have known better than to not bring a coat. She also should have known better than to go out without her phone being fully charged but luckily she had just enough battery left to call Clay. She groaned as another shiver went through her as a gust of wind wrapped around her like a blanket. And it seemed like her luck had truly run out as the skies opened and the rain poured down hitting the ground so hard that it splashed up off of the concrete, and of course it was not a drizzle but rather a torrential downpour. “Just great.” She muttered indignantly pressing her back harder against the door to no avail from the rain as she silently willed Clay to hurry.

**_Left Stranded_ **

Clay had no idea how Lisa had ended up being stranded across town on a freezing cold night but the moment she had called he had made his excuses and slipped out of the bar glad he had been nursing a drink of lemonade instead of a beer because he was on yet another course on antibiotics. He shook his head trying to shake away the frustration of having to be on another course of antibiotics but the alternative was far less appealing so he was not about to stop taking them.

Clay’s worry only grew as the wind seemed to howl and buffet his car but it was when the torrential rain came down did his worry increase tenfold and visibility quickly became an issue. He just hoped that Lisa had managed to find somewhere that was relatively sheltered from the deplorable weather until he reached her, and he wished he could have stayed on the phone with her but her phone had died the moment he had finished telling her he was on her way. He reached over and cranked the heater all the way up, letting it keep the windscreen clear from fogging over and heating the interior up so it was warm when he got to her.

It was another fifteen anxious minutes before Clay finally managed to turn onto the street that Lisa said she was on and he made it to the stretch that she told him she was in having managed to rattle off the two streets that lined the block. The rain had only grown heavier along with his need to find her, to get her out of the cold and wet weather.

Clay peered through the windscreen with the wipers on the fastest setting as he slowed his car to a crawl and silently berated himself for not asking where exactly she was waiting. It was more luck than it was great eyesight as he jammed on the brakes and threw his car in park as he spotted Lisa cowering in one of the narrow doorways absolutely drenched as it was not providing her any cover.

Lisa was a shivering mess, her hair and dress were soaked and sticking uncomfortably to her skin, her make-up had run as it was not waterproof, and her teeth were chattering loudly but she had never been more relieved to see Clay’s green Nova come to a hard stop several feet away from her. She knew she had to be careful as the torrential downpour was causing flash flooding and she would hazard a guess that it was making the concrete slippery as she was going to have to run in her high heels to get to the car. With a deep breath, Lisa unfurled herself and dashed as quick as she could around to the passenger side of the car, relieved when Clay opened the door from inside allowing her to slip in and get the door closed behind her.

Clay’s eyes widened at the state of Lisa as she was ghostly pale but at least she had managed to get to the car as she was trembling violently because she was freezing. He had just been about to get out of the car to go and get her but she had already been on the move before he could even get his seatbelt off. “Christ Lis.” He exclaimed worried as he reached over into the backseat where he had hastily thrown his bag when he had left base. “We need to get you dried off and changed.” There was no way she was going to warm up if she stayed in the drenched dress, as it was she looked damn near hypothermic maybe even in the first stage of hypothermia.

Lisa was grateful for the blast of warmth that surrounded her but it did not take the freezing feeling that was deep in her bones away as she let her clutch fall to the floor. She rolled her head to the side to look at Clay to see what he was doing before she looked down at herself. “Oh shit, I’m sorry.” She rushed out realising she was getting the interior of his car wet as she kicked off her heels and leveraged her hips up off of the seat.

Clay briefly glanced at Lisa before he registered why she was apologising. “I don’t give a damn about the upholstery Lis. Here, put the towel around you then strip out of that dress and dry off.” He pushed his towel into his hands knowing he had used it earlier after his post workout shower but at least it was dry before he dove back into his bag pulling out his spare set of clothes which included his blue hoodie, a pair of grey sweatpants and a pair of thick socks. All of the clothes would be baggy but he didn’t care as long as she was warming up. “I’ve got some clothes you can change into, just let me know when you are ready for them.” He had the decency to avert his eyes despite how much he wanted to check on her as he could hear her teeth chattering.

Lisa knew that Clay was right that she needed to get out of her wet dress otherwise she would never warm up but she could not get her hands to work or her arms to move the way she wanted them too. “C-C-Clay.” She stuttered through chattering teeth.

Clay panicked for a split second as his brain was flipping through what it knew about hypothermia, and he forgot about averting his eyes as he looked at Lisa seeing she was having trouble co-ordinating her freezing body. Stage two of hypothermia was classed if the person experienced a lack of co-ordination amongst other things. “Okay Lis, I’ve got you.” Clay bought the handful of clothes with him, tossing them up on the dashboard before he moved across the bench seat to be closer to her. “You got lingerie on underneath the dress?” He asked without meaning to pry but he knew that sometimes a bra might not be worn because of the type of dress or even underwear was forgotten, and her answer would determine how they moved forward.

“Y-Yeah.” Lisa managed to get out not as all disturbed by the question or the fact that Clay was going to have to help her get out of the dress. After all that had been through together there was not much that phased them but she also knew Clay was a gentleman which is why he asked as he wanted to give her at least a little privacy.

“Okay. Lean forward for me so I can get this unzipped.” Clay instructed as he did not want to leave her in the soaked clothing any longer than she had been already. Lisa’s body was slow to react so he reached out and gently placed his hand on her arm where the skin was exposed as he realised just how cold her skin was and helped her to lean forward. With practised and efficient movements, he managed to unclasp then unzip the dress all the way before he had Lisa lift herself up again so he could pull the dress up and over her head before he discarded the sopping wet piece of fabric down on the floor. He wrapped the towel around her tightly and began running his hands over top of the towel trying to dry her off and generate some warmth with friction.

Lisa let her eyelids slip closed as the cold had made her tired and she knew she was safe with Clay. “Hey Lis, need you to open your eyes for me.” Clay did not like how lethargic Lisa had become in a matter of minutes even as he continued to get her as dry as possible.

Lisa struggled to force her eyelids open but she managed it and her eyes met Clay’s. “Remind me to tell Naima no next time.” She huffed before another violent shiver went through her.

Clay glanced up at her as he finished running the towel over her soaked legs wondering what had spawned that comment. “Okay, I will but right now I am going to get you dressed then we are going home. We need to get you warmed up.” Clay set the towel between them wanting to get Lisa in his hoodie before he wrapped the towel around her hair as it was drenched and dripping onto her skin. In quick succession he got the hoodie on, the towel wrapped around her head, followed by the socks then the pair of sweatpants before he took of his own jacket – the one with the wool lining – and laid it over top of her.

Lisa curled her legs up underneath her and shifted just enough to be in the direct flow of the hot air that was coming from the heater. “Your place.” She had left her keys at Ray and Naima’s thinking she would not be late, and just in case they needed to move her car that was parked in their driveway. She knew that Clay had a key to her apartment but his place was closer and would be warmer because it was always warm.

Clay smiled as he pulled the seatbelt over Lisa and clicked it into place before he sat back ready to go as he needed to get her warm. “Yeah, I’m taking you back to my place Lis.” It wasn’t even a question. He shifted the car into drive and pulled away from the curb having to focus on the road ahead of him as the weather had not eased instead it had intensified just like his worry.

Lisa’s teeth would not stop chattering nor could she stop shivering despite the heat that was flowing around her or the fact that she was huddled under Clay’s thick jacket and in some of his comfiest clothes. She was exhausted but she knew it was because of how cold she was, because of how the warmth had been leeched from her body, and she knew how dangerous it could be.

Clay spared a glance Lisa’s way although he wished he could have checked more but the last thing needed was for them to get into an accident. “Lis, tell me how you ended up out here.” He hoped that by keeping her talking would also keep her focus off of how cold she felt.

“Naima set me up a blind date with one of the doctor’s that work with her at the hospital.” Lisa was sure her cheeks would have flushed with embarrassment if she wasn’t a popsicle.

Clay spared a questioning glance this way. “Ah, hence why I have to remind you to say no to Naima next time.” He did his best to keep his voice light and try to keep the concern away.

“He was an arse Clay.” Lisa pouted although there was a lot more she could say. “We didn’t even make it to dinner.”

Clay made a mental note to make sure that Lisa ate something before she went to sleep. “What do you mean that you didn’t make it to dinner?” He might not have known the area that they were in all that well but he did know that there were no restaurants within the next four blocks so it made even less sense as to how she ended up where she was. Oh, and he would definitely be talking to Ray about getting the name of the doctor that Naima had set Lisa up with.

Lisa shifted as another shiver went through her trembling body. “I don’t know why Naima thought we would be a good match. He didn’t like that I was in the Navy, surrounded by men all of the time and I got defensive. Anyway I asked him to take me back to Ray and Naima’s instead he pulled over and told me to get out so I did.” There was a sharp edge to Lisa’s voice.

Clay knew that Lisa would stand up for herself, would not let anyone degrade her, but he was seriously considering tracking down this doctor and giving him a lesson on being a gentleman. “What was his name?” He asked hoping to slip the question past her.

“Nice try blue eyes.” Lisa might have been freezing cold, and her movements might have been stunted, but she was with it enough not to answer Clay’s question.

Clay chuckled although he was pleased that Lisa was still aware enough to catch him out however he had other ways to get the name. “It was worth a try but seriously Lis no man has any right to treat any woman like he treated you tonight.” Lisa was worth more, it was just that simple.

Lisa knew that she was worth more, knew that she did not deserve the treatment that she received tonight, but she was okay, she was safe and that was what mattered. “I know, and I know Naima wouldn’t have been aware of his bias otherwise she would not have put me in the position she did.” She stopped and curled up a little bit more to try and ward off the cold that had settled deep in her bones. “I don’t think I have ever been this cold.”

“We don’t have long to go.” Clay responded as he took the left turn not liking how pale Lisa still was or the way she was still shivering. “A hot shower, some tea, and something hot to eat before we get you bundled up under a pile of blankets. I am sure you will be complaining that you are hot once you get through all of that.” Or at least he hoped she would be.

**_Left Stranded_ **

Lisa smiled softly as she found herself tucked into Clay’s side after he had buried her under just about every blanket he owed once she had showered, redressed in more of his clothes, had eaten a couple of toasted sandwiches and drank a mug of tea. She still was not completely warm but at least she was not freezing anymore nor were her teeth chattering. She let her head rest against his shoulder tiredly as his arm that was draped around her tightened a little more pulling her closer without dislodging any of the blankets.

Clay knew that Lisa still was not as warm as she usually was, nor had her colour returned fully as she was still slightly pale but she looked a hell of a lot better than when she had clambered into his car. “We should get some sleep Lis.” Now that she was out of the clutches of hypothermia he was happy for her to sleep as she looked exhausted, and he wasn’t going anywhere.

“Hmmm…” Lisa hummed not moving in the slightest as she was comfy and cosy against him. “Don’t want to move.” She managed to speak softly before she felt and heard Clay chuckle.

Clay chuckled before he placed a kiss on her forehead understanding why she did not want to move and he suspected the cold had made her body ache despite being warmed up. “You will be comfier in bed.” He had no qualms about sharing a bed with her, and neither did she as it wouldn’t be the first time that they had.

  
“But I’m comfy right here.” Lisa’s tone could almost be classed as whiny but she really did not want to move as she pressed her face into his neck causing the blankets to shift around her.

Clay smiled as it wasn’t often that Lisa fought going to bed. “And warmer, I’ll even let you put those ice blocks that you call feet on me.” He teased knowing her feet were always cold and she would snake them between his legs to warm them up as she hated wearing socks in bed claiming that they came off and got caught up in the bedding.

“My feet aren’t ice blocks.” Lisa protested immediately just as he knew she would. “But it is kind of tempting.” She often claimed that he was a furnace that radiated heat but only when he was not sick because when he was feverish it scared her how hot he could get.

Clay rolled his eyes fondly. “I’ve already got the electric blanket on. You are the only person that I will swelter in my own bed for.” The electric blanket came in handy when his body ached uncomfortably but it always ended up off as it made him too hot however he would withstand it for as long as Lisa wanted it on.

Lisa tipped her head back just enough so that she could see him. “I am still cold.” She wasn’t admitting anything that he did not know.

Clay smiled before he twisted around enough to snake his arm underneath Lisa before he stood up with her in his arms making her laugh.

“You can be such a caveman sometimes.” Lisa did not even bother to resist the hold he had on her as he carried her and the pile of blankets through to his bedroom. “But you are going to have to put me down cause I am not sleeping in a hoodie or sweatpants.” It wouldn’t be comfortable.

“I will get you one of my long sleeved shirts.” There was no point in arguing with her as he gently placed her down on her side of the bed leaving her to push off all of the blankets while he moved to get her a different shirt to sleep in. “Any preference?” He asked as he began to dig through his drawers.

“Nope.” Lisa answered as she managed to get herself out from under the pile of blankets and twist around so she was sitting on the edge of the bed with her back to Clay as she got rid of the sweatpants and socks. She knew he would find her something comfortable.

Clay found one of his smaller long sleeved tops knowing that he had gained more muscle since he had last worn it and it was tight then. “Here Lis.” He tossed it gently across the bed so that it landed beside her.

“Thanks.” Lisa smiled at the charcoal grey shirt he had tossed at her as she picked it up feeling the soft cotton beneath her fingers. She slid the hoodie off then replaced it with the shirt before she quickly tucked herself under the sheet and comforter feeling the warmth from the electric blanket soaking into her skin.

Clay smiled once he was stripped down to his briefs seeing Lisa was already in bed cuddled up under the comforter, and within seconds he joined her, reaching up and turning off the bedside lamp before he settled in feeling as she tucked herself into her side. He flinched just as he always did as her feet landed on his legs because as always they were icy cold. He wrapped his arms around her, letting his hands rest on her back and hip respectively as her hands landed on the side of his ribs and over his stomach. “I’m glad you called me tonight Lis. I’m not glad about what happened but I am happy you called me.” He kept his voice soft in the darkened room.

“I’m always going to call you blue eyes.” Lisa knew he would always be the first person she called because he was always there for her. “And it goes both ways.”

“I know it does.” Clay pressed his lips to her forehead, kissing her as he could feel her relaxing against him once more. “Sleep Lis.”

“Night blue eyes.” Lisa mumbled softly, tiredly, as her eyelids fluttered closed for the final time as she finally gave into her exhaustion as the cold had stolen all of her energy.

The sound of the howling wind and the bullet like rain was not missed as it hit the window and echoed in the dark around them as the weather was unforgiving and unrelenting. Clay laid awake staring up at the ceiling as he felt and listened to Lisa breathe as the last thing he wanted was for anything to change and for him to be unaware. She had been left stranded by some horrible man but she would never be left stranded by him. “Love you Lis.” He whispered as he pulled the sheet and comforter up around her shoulders making sure she was covered as the last thing she needed was to get sick.


	10. Simplicity Is The Best, Sometimes.

**_ Simplicity Is The Best, Sometimes _ **

Simplicity is the best, sometimes, and it was something that Clay had learned whilst in his role as a Tier One Operator, while being a member of Bravo. Sometimes simplicity is the best, and if he happened to apply it to other areas of his life then who was anyone to judge.

Clay juggled the bags he held in his hands around enough to be able to knock on the door before he stepped back and just off to the side as he needed to use the wall for balance for a few seconds as one of the bags was in danger of toppling over and falling to the ground. He might have gone overboard but it wasn’t like he did it often. He managed to shift the bag back over so it was balanced on his arm just in time to hear the door unlock and be pulled open. “Hi Lis.” He smiled broadly as he tipped his head to the side. He knew she had not been herself for the past few days which is why he had decided to turn up at hers.

Lisa smiled as she found Clay had been the one to knock on her door. “Come on in.” She stepped aside once she had reached out and snagged the top bag from him that was precariously placed. “What’s all this?” She said once she had closed and relocked the door.

Clay made his way into the kitchen knowing that Lisa was trailing after him. “Well I figured we could have a movie night, and you can’t have movie night without dinner and lots of treats so I bought dinner and treats.” He splayed his hands out towards the bags making a show of them.

Lisa was amused more by the sheer volume of things that looked to be packed in the grocery store bags. “You couldn’t decide what to get, could you?” She teased as an impromptu movie night with dinner and a whole lot of junk food was just what she needed.

Clay ducked his head for a few seconds before he looked up at her knowing she had caught him out as he did not know what to get why is why he had gone overboard. “What’s better than an assortment? But I did settle on Jamaican food.” He might have gone overboard at the grocery store in the junk food aisles but he had only picked up one type of takeout.

Lisa smiled at his thoughtfulness. “From the place we tried a couple of months ago?” She asked as she moved across the kitchen to the fridge and pulled out two beers.

“Yip.” Clay popped the ‘p’. “Got what we had last time, figured we would share just the same.” He carried on watching as Lisa moved around the kitchen grabbing a pile of napkins and a couple of forks while he moved to put the ice cream away so that it did not melt.

Lisa could have salivated given how good the food was the last time. “We better get to eating it. What movie do you want to watch?” She threw over her shoulder already on her way over to the couch.

Clay smiled and shook his head as he picked up the bag of takeout and followed her over, putting the bag down on the coffee table in front of him before he sat right beside Lisa. “Your choice Lis, I don’t really mind.” He really didn’t care what movie they watched as he took the beer from her while he pulled out the containers and opened them up.

Lisa pinned Clay with a look that told him he had to help her pick. “Is there anything you feel like watching then?” She asked before she stole a piece of jerk chicken, almost inhaling it because that was how good it tasted.

“Something light.” Clay shrugged knowing that they often did not get time to watch movies and especially not new movies so he really did not have a preference but he figured that they both needed something on the lighter side.

Lisa nodded as she thought about what they could watch. “I don’t know about light but there has been a movie I have been wanting to watch for ages, it’s called The Blindside. Have you seen it?” She really had been meaning to watch it but things also seemed to get in the way.

Clay smiled as it wasn’t often that Lisa admitted to wanting something. “No I haven’t, I’ve heard of it though. Let’s watch it then.” He encouraged before he put a forkful of slaw in his mouth.

“Okay.” Lisa smiled as she found the movie on Netflix and pressed play before she settled back into the couch beside Clay as they both continued eating.

**_Simplicity Is The Best, Sometimes_ **

The coffee table was scattered with candy wrappers, an ice cream tub that was scraped clean, and empty beer bottles by the time the movie finished playing. Lisa was curled into Clay’s side and his arm was draped around her just as he always did. “I am to full to move.” She complained knowing she had overindulged although she wasn’t regretting it as the credits rolled.

Clay chuckled although he had to admit he was feeling the exact same way. “Maybe we should have waited a bit longer between meals.” He ran his hand up over her arm to her shoulder pausing to give it a light squeeze before his hand went back down to her waist.

“Nope, you can’t watch a movie without ice cream and candy. That’s just not right.” Lisa protested feebly much to Clay’s amusement. She shifted just enough to be able to lift her head off of his shoulder and look at him. “Thank you for coming over tonight.” The sincerity was not lost on either of them.

Clay pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Who’s to say I didn’t have an ulterior motive?” He teased as he pulled back waiting until she raised a questioning eyebrow at him. “You saved me from eating one of those microwavable meals and channel surfing.”

Lisa laughed lightly as she dropped her head back down onto his shoulder. “I am always available to save you from microwavable meals and channel surfing.” She kept her tone deliberately light but she meant it.

Clay smiled before he sobered. “Yeah, well I might end up having to crash at Sonny or Brock’s for a while so at least I won’t be eating alone if I do.” It was a comment made absentmindedly but it had Lisa’s attention immediately as she lifted her head up off his shoulder again and turned further around in his arm to look at him.

“What are you talking about having to crash at Sonny or Brock’s?” Lisa knew that it was the first time she was hearing about it and it caught her by surprise but what was more surprising was the look that Clay had as he realised what he had said. Clay would have hit himself if he did not think that Lisa would yell at him for doing so. He was meant to be here for her and somehow he had ended up letting it slip. “Clay, hey, what’s going on?” Her voice was tightly controlled despite the worry that she felt grow as the possibilities were endless.

Clay felt as Lisa tensed and he knew that she was withholding her panic and worry. “Slow down Lis and I will explain everything.” He knew it was the only way to get her to take it easy. “My lease is up in a couple of weeks, and the landlord has put a hold on any renewals in the building. I am not the only one in this position.” He admitted although his landlord had not been forthcoming on the reason for the hold. “I was going to mention it to you, figured you might want to come and look at places with me, if you have the time.” The upheaval wasn’t great but it had also made him consider a few things like maybe it was time to leave behind his one bedroom apartment days.

Lisa frowned as she never thought Clay would leave his apartment, at least not until he had someone to build a life with, and it seemed strange that the landlord would rather have empty apartments then have them filled and rent coming in. “I will make the time but you know you can crash here.” They would make it work just like they always did. “Do you have any apartment viewings lined up?” She asked thinking ahead because there was no way he or any of the guys would not have a place to call home if she could help it.

Clay smiled because it was so like Lisa to already be thinking ahead. “Well actually I don’t think I want an apartment.” He smiled having already visited the bank, and considering most of his money stayed in his bank as his expenses were minimal he had more than enough to buy a house with a very small mortgage.

Lisa tilted her head to the side as she studied Clay. “You don’t want an apartment?” She had to confirm she was hearing correctly.

Clay laughed at her question. “I think it’s time to make a house a home Lis.” It was the simplest way to put it after all sometimes simplicity is best. “I’ve already been to the bank.” He shrugged lightly seeing her smile which matched his own.

“You’re going to buy a house.” It was not a question, it was a statement, one that Lisa was extremely proud to say. There was a niggling feeling that it had been a long time since Clay had a house that had been a home for him, and she knew he would make the house he chose one.

“Well I was thinking about it.” Clay smirked because he did not think that Lisa would be so excited about the prospect of looking at houses with him but if it made her smile then he was all for it.

“You are going to buy a house Clay.” Lisa was probably more excited than she should have been. “Okay so I will rephrase my earlier question then so do you have any house viewings lined up?”

“No, I don’t. I’ve been to the bank which is as far as I’ve got.” Clay shrugged as he leaned forward and grabbed the open bag of M&M’s off of the table before he leaned back.

Lisa grabbed a handful of M&M’s that Clay offered her. “So then do you know what you are looking for then? Like what do you want?” She asked excitedly for him, and if she was being honest it was the best distraction.

“Lisa Davis likes house hunting.” Clay teased as he definitely would not have thought that Lisa would get excited over the prospect of house hunting. She was more excited then he was as he threw a handful of M&M’s into his mouth.

Lisa pursed her lips before she smiled. “It’s nice to be distracted.” She shrugged her shoulders.

“Well I will distract you any time you need it.” Clay was slightly caught off guard that Lisa would admit that she needed a distraction. “And I kind of figured you did but that’s not why I mentioned it, I kind of didn’t mean to just yet.” He rushed out.

Lisa sobered momentarily putting the idea of Clay buying a house to the side to address what he had said. “I know I have been off the last couple of days. I just haven’t felt like myself.” It wasn’t the greatest explanation but it was all she had, and she knew Clay would not press her on it. “But tonight has been pretty good so thank you.” She didn’t need to elaborate any further.

Clay nodded before he smiled softly. “I’m glad, I’ve enjoyed tonight too.”

Lisa pushed herself up off of the couch. “We need to make a list for what you want and would like so that the realtor knows and can find suitable houses.” She pulled open a drawer and pulled out a notebook and pen then made her way to the fridge to pull out two more beers for them before she returned and settled back into him once she had handed him his beer. Clay chuckled as excitable Lisa was back and it was what he needed, it was what they both needed.

At the end of the night simplicity still could be the best and if they had a list made then it would only help.


End file.
